Parenting Secrets to Building the Foundations for Self Esteem and Wellbeing:
"Essential Principles of Parenting"
Isabella McKenzie Parker ©2013
When building anything, if you want it to be solid and withstand the tests of time and events, the best and logical place to start is at the beginning, laying down a sound foundation. Ditto, when building kids’ Self Esteem and Wellbeing. So, where is the beginning and what is the foundation for Self Esteem and Wellbeing? For both Self Esteem and Wellbeing, the beginning is early infancy and the foundation is Self Worth.
Secret #1
Having a strong, healthy sense of Self Worth is the secret to building high Self Esteem and emotional Wellbeing in your kids. Our Self Worth comes from adopting or internalising the value that we perceive our parents place on us. It is imperative that parenting strategies, from early infancy, are aimed at building this foundation of Self Worth. If parents fail to do this, whether due to lack of understanding of their role in this foundation building or simply due to disinterest or priorities in abrogation of their parental responsibilities, no amount of Self Esteem and Wellbeing programs at school will compensate adequately.
You may think that Self Esteem and Self Worth are one and the same, since they are terms that tend to be used interchangeably. However, being a Clinical Hypnotherapist working with the subconscious minds of clients, it has become apparent to me that, while they are both terms referring to Self Value, they differ in their origins and their temporal emergence, and refer to different aspects of Self Value.
So, how do Self Worth and Self Esteem differ?
Self Worth is covert, a subconscious belief about our worth which is a value received from our parents. It is an internalisation of the value we perceive parents place on us as kids. This Self Worth is long term and stable across time unless it is improved by a ‘life changing’ experience or a therapeutic intervention. Having a healthy sense of Self Worth is an asset in coping with life’s trials and tribulations.
Self Esteem can be regarded as a conscious value of self that is more akin to the self-image presented to the world (ie, more overt). Self Esteem is a self-construct, based on what people value about themselves. For example, the Self Esteem of someone beautiful may be based on physical appearance and dressing well. An athlete’s Self Esteem may be based on fitness, sporting prowess and sporting achievements. Self Esteem may also be based on qualities and attributes such as character, work ethic, achievement, talent or creativity. Self Esteem is not stable across time but can be boosted by positive experiences or consciously working on the specific areas that the person values. Conversely, Self Esteem can take a beating from negative life experiences. For example, a champion athlete who believes he is the world’s best in his field will probably have high Self Esteem (based on his sporting prowess) and may have confident expectations that he will ‘win gold’ at the Olympic Games. However, if he fails to win, his Self Esteem will likely come crashing down.
Self Esteem is not stable across time but can be boosted by positive experiences or consciously working on the specific areas that the person values. Conversely, Self Esteem can take a beating from negative life experiences. For example, a champion athlete who believes he is the world’s best in his field will probably have high Self Esteem (based on his sporting prowess) and may have confident expectations that he will ‘win gold’ at the Olympic Games. However, if he fails to win, his Self Esteem will likely come crashing down.
It appears that Self Esteem overlays Self Worth, so that if a healthy sense of Self Worth provides a strong foundation, Self Esteem can also be strong and healthy. Conversely, if the foundation is poor Self Worth, then boosting Self Esteem may serve to mask or compensate for this poor Self Worth, but may be fragile and crumble when confronted with negative experiences that challenge what they value about themself. So, in the example of the champion athlete with high Self Esteem who failed to ‘win gold’, if he had a healthy foundation of Self Worth, although devastated by his loss, he will soon bounce back – but then, if he had a healthy sense of Self Worth, perhaps he would not have compensated with an exaggerated Self Esteem and implausible expectations.
Hence, for parents who are genuinely concerned that their kids have the best chances of enjoying long term mental health and emotional Wellbeing and a healthy sense of self, there is no short cut to building Self Esteem and Wellbeing. There is no bypassing the essential step of parental responsibility in building the sound foundation of a strong, healthy sense of Self Worth. This is a job that cannot be outsourced to someone else, regardless of their professional qualifications. No professional qualifications in child care can fill the role of parents as a satisfactory substitute for parenting. The reason is that Self Worth is developed in the context of the Attachment relationship with the child’s primary attachment figures – the mother and father. No substitute carers (even if they are family members) can fill this role of building the emotional foundations of Self Worth. All adults playing a significant role in the child’s life can supplement parental efforts, but not substitute them.
So what do I mean by this ‘Self Worth’?
I define Self Worth as a ‘subconscious belief in what we deserve in life’. Having a strong or healthy sense of Self Worth means acknowledgement that you have needs and acknowledgement that you are worthy of these needs being met (eg, acknowledging that you are lovable and worthy of being loved - including, being loved by yourself. Note: Self Love is not about being self focussed, selfish and self indulgent, but is more about treating yourself with Self Respect). Having a healthy sense of Self Worth is also the basis of Self Empowerment which means having the ability to ensure these needs are met, being able to be assertive when required in achieving needs - in a calm, confident, polite manner, without being selfish, without use of aggression or manipulation or having a sense of entitlement and without interfering with or violating the needs of others.
Self Worth (or lack of) has a significant impact across all areas of life. It determines expectations we have of what we subconsciously believe we deserve: what we will get out of life (the best available or the ‘short end of the stick’); how we will be treated by others (with respect or disrespect, used, abused); whether we will have the confidence to be assertive (non-aggressively, non-selfishly) in ensuring our own needs are met and speak up in seeking justice and a fair go (for self and others); seek to improve our situation in life or always settling for second best (in jobs and relationships) in the subconscious belief that we don’t deserve anything better and should be grateful that we have anything at all. People with a low sense of Self Worth have poorly defined personal boundaries and may live a life of compromise – compromising their needs, compromising their self respect, allowing transgression of their personal boundaries, never ‘speaking up’ out of fear of being disliked.
Beliefs about Self Worth are self-fulfilling because subconsciously we are attracted to people and situations (or subconsciously create them) where we will be treated as we subconsciously expect. Hence, behaviour based on negative beliefs about Self Worth can be self-sabotaging, self-defeating and self-destructive.
A strong healthy sense of Self Worth developed in childhood means a greater chance of long term mental and emotional wellbeing. Conversely, some degree of poor Self Worth developed as a child means less chance of achieving long term optimal mental and emotional wellbeing - regardless of successful achievements.
A person with low Self Worth may constantly engage in ‘self-less’ behaviour. Most people will engage in self-less behaviour, but a person with a strong or healthy sense of Self Worth will do so without compromising or having to always sacrifice their own needs. However, totally ‘selfless’ people lack a sense of self, lack an awareness of their own needs or if they do, lack acknowledgment that they are worthy of these needs being met. Individuals who are habitually self-less and ‘love’ (ie, need) to be of service to others are this way because they have learnt as children that their needs are regarded as unimportant, less important than the needs of others. Subconsciously, they believe they are worthless and undeserving and their only ource of validation is in serving others. ‘Selfless’ people are both valued and exploited for their selflessness. What the ‘selfless’ person does not realise is that other people treat us the way we treat ourselves. If we ignore our own needs as unimportant, others will ignore them as unimportant, too. (The exception is a saint who has made a conscious decision to live a life of service to God and helping others). People with low self worth are likely to be vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation, due to their need for approval and their inability to say ‘no’ out of fear of being disliked.
Individuals with low Self Worth are likely to remain in unfulfilling jobs in the belief that they do not deserve anything better or believe they lack the ability to improve their position. They are more likely to settle for second best in relationships that may be dysfunctional or unhappy, putting up with disrespect, infidelity and even violence, in the subconscious belief they do not deserve anything better and should be grateful that anyone would want them at all. In relationships, the person with low Self Worth is too much – too insecure, too needy, too eager to please, too caring, too giving, too acquiescent, too grateful, too tolerant, too forgiving. An example that is easy to recognise is Jennifer Aniston’s character in the movie, “The Break Up”. Other examples are women who repeatedly forgive partners or husbands for emotional abuse, violence or betrayal and humiliation of repeated infidelities or desperately cling to a man who wants to leave the relationship. An observer may well ask, “Why do these women put up with such treatment from these men”? “Why do they stay”? “How do they get into these relationships in the first place”? The answer to all questions is the same - the women have a low sense of Self Worth and the subconscious belief that they do not deserve any better.
Summarising characteristics of Self Worth:
Strong, healthy sense of Self Worth:
* Acknowledging worthy of having needs met
* Can be assertive in meeting needs, calmly, politely, non-aggressively
* Does not buy into belief that aggression = strength
* Considerate of needs of others
* Comfortable putting needs of others first
Poor or low Self Worth:
* Living a life of compromise, settling for second best in jobs and relationships
* Putting own needs last all or most of the time
* Needs approval, may be a 'people pleaser', can't say 'no'
* Fear of upsetting others ad being disliked
Compensating for low Self Worth:
* Covering up, masking with a persona of confidence
* May strive for career success
* Seeks self-improvement, reads self-help books
* May self-medicate with drugs/alcohol, reliant on alcohol
Over-compensating for low Self Worth - may be mistaken for high Self Worth:
* ‘Out there ’attention-seeking behaviour, loud, boorish, insensitive
* Ensuring their needs are met, aggressively, selfishly
* Ignoring, overriding or violating needs of others
* May have a sense of entitlement due to
- being spoilt by parents, given inappropriate praise (narcissistic personality)
- making up for deprivations as a child.
Secret #2.
The most important basic emotional need kids have is to feel valued by their parents. (Suggest: Read “Validation Hypothesis” in "More Info"). When we value something, we take care of it. If parents value their kids, they will be more likely to take care of them. Conversely, parents who neglect or abuse their kids clearly do not value them. The subconscious goal of kids’ behaviour is to be valued by their parents in order to be taken care of. Parents who want their kids to feel valued need to engage in the appropriate parenting behaviour which will elicit relevant feelings in the child. Simply telling a child they are valued is not going to cut it. Spending a lot of money on ‘must have’ fashion clothing and technology is not going to cut it either. Parenting that will result in kids feeling valued is discussed in pages listed under "Self Esteem Parenting".
Secret #3.
Our sense of Self Worth is based on this value that we believe our parents place on us. We adopt or internalise this perceived value as our own sense of Self Worth. I say ‘perceived value’ because what kids believe about how their parents value them may not be accurate. Kids are not mind readers. Come to think of it, most adults are not good mind readers, either and often put an incorrect interpretation on the words and actions of others. Parents' words and actions do not always convey to their kids how much they value them. For example, Dad may be motivated by love for his family when he takes a ‘fly in, fly out’ mining job in another state so he can earn enough money to buy a home. However, the kids’ subjective experience will be his absence and feeling unimportant to him. Parents’ words and actions are not always a concordant representation of how they value their kids. For example, parents may tell their kids that they are special, important, wonderful and much loved, but if their behaviour does not support their words, the kids’ emotional experience may be feeling unloved and unimportant. So, for better or worse, a kid’s perceptual system does the best it can in interpreting what information is available (ie, parent’s words and actions and the kids’ feelings that are elicited by the parent’s words and actions).
Secret #4.
This perceived value (and Self Worth) are based on what parents do and say or what they don’t say and don’t do. However, this value is not derived from the explicit message in parents’ words and behaviour, but in the subliminal message that is implicit in their words and behaviour. For example, Mum gives her infant hugs and kisses and says, “Mummy loves her sweet little Bunnikins” and the infant experiences warm fuzzy feelings (ie, feeling loved). The explicit message received by the child (via Mum’s words and actions and the infant’s feelings) is, “Mum loves me”. However, the more significant message received by the child is the subliminal one, “Mum loves me because she thinks I am worthy of love”, which is implicit in her words and actions. Feelings elicited by parents’ behaviour play a key role in what messages kids receive, both the explicit and the implicit ones.
Secret #5.
This may seem a bit odd, but the onus for receiving care is actually on the kids. Perhaps there are several reasons for this: (i) Parental instincts may not always be reliable. (ii) Often the carers are not the biological parents. (iii) In a socially progressive, enlightened society, all adults aught to feel some sense of responsibility (eg, caring, protection, guidance and as role models) towards the children in that society, as in, “It takes a village to raise a child”. Kids’ brains are innately programmed to engage in ‘care eliciting’ behaviour and the care giver is then supposed to respond with the relevant behaviour to meet the particular need. For example, when a baby is smiling, cooing and gurgling or crying, it is performing ‘care eliciting’ behaviour in order to receive parental attention.
This onus has several implications for child behaviour: (i) Kids’ behaviour is goal-directed to gain parental approval (or avoid disapproval and alienation) in order to be valued so they will be taken care of. (ii) That means that behaviour has to always be acceptable to parents, so unacceptable thoughts, feelings and behaviour need to be ‘repressed’. (Suggest: Read "Repressed Anger" under "More Info"). This concealing of true thoughts and feelings is innate the basis of adaptive behaviour. Early childhood is where we learn to wear a 'mask' to hide feelings, 'armour' to protect feelings and 'adopt roles' in which we feel accepted and validated (or avoid disapproval and alienation). Adaptive behaviour is a child concealing the true thoughts and feelings in order to be valued by parents, rather than indicating a child is emotionally ‘ok’. (iii) Kids feel responsible for how they are treated and for what happens in their lives. For example, when parents split up, young kids often feel that it is their fault – “If I had been good, Daddy wouldn’t have left us”.
Next is the "5-part Model" which discusses "Essential principles of Parenting".
When building anything, if you want it to be solid and withstand the tests of time and events, the best and logical place to start is at the beginning, laying down a sound foundation. Ditto, when building kids’ Self Esteem and Wellbeing. So, where is the beginning and what is the foundation for Self Esteem and Wellbeing? For both Self Esteem and Wellbeing, the beginning is early infancy and the foundation is Self Worth.
Secret #1
Having a strong, healthy sense of Self Worth is the secret to building high Self Esteem and emotional Wellbeing in your kids. Our Self Worth comes from adopting or internalising the value that we perceive our parents place on us. It is imperative that parenting strategies, from early infancy, are aimed at building this foundation of Self Worth. If parents fail to do this, whether due to lack of understanding of their role in this foundation building or simply due to disinterest or priorities in abrogation of their parental responsibilities, no amount of Self Esteem and Wellbeing programs at school will compensate adequately.
You may think that Self Esteem and Self Worth are one and the same, since they are terms that tend to be used interchangeably. However, being a Clinical Hypnotherapist working with the subconscious minds of clients, it has become apparent to me that, while they are both terms referring to Self Value, they differ in their origins and their temporal emergence, and refer to different aspects of Self Value.
So, how do Self Worth and Self Esteem differ?
Self Worth is covert, a subconscious belief about our worth which is a value received from our parents. It is an internalisation of the value we perceive parents place on us as kids. This Self Worth is long term and stable across time unless it is improved by a ‘life changing’ experience or a therapeutic intervention. Having a healthy sense of Self Worth is an asset in coping with life’s trials and tribulations.
Self Esteem can be regarded as a conscious value of self that is more akin to the self-image presented to the world (ie, more overt). Self Esteem is a self-construct, based on what people value about themselves. For example, the Self Esteem of someone beautiful may be based on physical appearance and dressing well. An athlete’s Self Esteem may be based on fitness, sporting prowess and sporting achievements. Self Esteem may also be based on qualities and attributes such as character, work ethic, achievement, talent or creativity. Self Esteem is not stable across time but can be boosted by positive experiences or consciously working on the specific areas that the person values. Conversely, Self Esteem can take a beating from negative life experiences. For example, a champion athlete who believes he is the world’s best in his field will probably have high Self Esteem (based on his sporting prowess) and may have confident expectations that he will ‘win gold’ at the Olympic Games. However, if he fails to win, his Self Esteem will likely come crashing down.
Self Esteem is not stable across time but can be boosted by positive experiences or consciously working on the specific areas that the person values. Conversely, Self Esteem can take a beating from negative life experiences. For example, a champion athlete who believes he is the world’s best in his field will probably have high Self Esteem (based on his sporting prowess) and may have confident expectations that he will ‘win gold’ at the Olympic Games. However, if he fails to win, his Self Esteem will likely come crashing down.
It appears that Self Esteem overlays Self Worth, so that if a healthy sense of Self Worth provides a strong foundation, Self Esteem can also be strong and healthy. Conversely, if the foundation is poor Self Worth, then boosting Self Esteem may serve to mask or compensate for this poor Self Worth, but may be fragile and crumble when confronted with negative experiences that challenge what they value about themself. So, in the example of the champion athlete with high Self Esteem who failed to ‘win gold’, if he had a healthy foundation of Self Worth, although devastated by his loss, he will soon bounce back – but then, if he had a healthy sense of Self Worth, perhaps he would not have compensated with an exaggerated Self Esteem and implausible expectations.
Hence, for parents who are genuinely concerned that their kids have the best chances of enjoying long term mental health and emotional Wellbeing and a healthy sense of self, there is no short cut to building Self Esteem and Wellbeing. There is no bypassing the essential step of parental responsibility in building the sound foundation of a strong, healthy sense of Self Worth. This is a job that cannot be outsourced to someone else, regardless of their professional qualifications. No professional qualifications in child care can fill the role of parents as a satisfactory substitute for parenting. The reason is that Self Worth is developed in the context of the Attachment relationship with the child’s primary attachment figures – the mother and father. No substitute carers (even if they are family members) can fill this role of building the emotional foundations of Self Worth. All adults playing a significant role in the child’s life can supplement parental efforts, but not substitute them.
So what do I mean by this ‘Self Worth’?
I define Self Worth as a ‘subconscious belief in what we deserve in life’. Having a strong or healthy sense of Self Worth means acknowledgement that you have needs and acknowledgement that you are worthy of these needs being met (eg, acknowledging that you are lovable and worthy of being loved - including, being loved by yourself. Note: Self Love is not about being self focussed, selfish and self indulgent, but is more about treating yourself with Self Respect). Having a healthy sense of Self Worth is also the basis of Self Empowerment which means having the ability to ensure these needs are met, being able to be assertive when required in achieving needs - in a calm, confident, polite manner, without being selfish, without use of aggression or manipulation or having a sense of entitlement and without interfering with or violating the needs of others.
Self Worth (or lack of) has a significant impact across all areas of life. It determines expectations we have of what we subconsciously believe we deserve: what we will get out of life (the best available or the ‘short end of the stick’); how we will be treated by others (with respect or disrespect, used, abused); whether we will have the confidence to be assertive (non-aggressively, non-selfishly) in ensuring our own needs are met and speak up in seeking justice and a fair go (for self and others); seek to improve our situation in life or always settling for second best (in jobs and relationships) in the subconscious belief that we don’t deserve anything better and should be grateful that we have anything at all. People with a low sense of Self Worth have poorly defined personal boundaries and may live a life of compromise – compromising their needs, compromising their self respect, allowing transgression of their personal boundaries, never ‘speaking up’ out of fear of being disliked.
Beliefs about Self Worth are self-fulfilling because subconsciously we are attracted to people and situations (or subconsciously create them) where we will be treated as we subconsciously expect. Hence, behaviour based on negative beliefs about Self Worth can be self-sabotaging, self-defeating and self-destructive.
A strong healthy sense of Self Worth developed in childhood means a greater chance of long term mental and emotional wellbeing. Conversely, some degree of poor Self Worth developed as a child means less chance of achieving long term optimal mental and emotional wellbeing - regardless of successful achievements.
A person with low Self Worth may constantly engage in ‘self-less’ behaviour. Most people will engage in self-less behaviour, but a person with a strong or healthy sense of Self Worth will do so without compromising or having to always sacrifice their own needs. However, totally ‘selfless’ people lack a sense of self, lack an awareness of their own needs or if they do, lack acknowledgment that they are worthy of these needs being met. Individuals who are habitually self-less and ‘love’ (ie, need) to be of service to others are this way because they have learnt as children that their needs are regarded as unimportant, less important than the needs of others. Subconsciously, they believe they are worthless and undeserving and their only ource of validation is in serving others. ‘Selfless’ people are both valued and exploited for their selflessness. What the ‘selfless’ person does not realise is that other people treat us the way we treat ourselves. If we ignore our own needs as unimportant, others will ignore them as unimportant, too. (The exception is a saint who has made a conscious decision to live a life of service to God and helping others). People with low self worth are likely to be vulnerable to exploitation and manipulation, due to their need for approval and their inability to say ‘no’ out of fear of being disliked.
Individuals with low Self Worth are likely to remain in unfulfilling jobs in the belief that they do not deserve anything better or believe they lack the ability to improve their position. They are more likely to settle for second best in relationships that may be dysfunctional or unhappy, putting up with disrespect, infidelity and even violence, in the subconscious belief they do not deserve anything better and should be grateful that anyone would want them at all. In relationships, the person with low Self Worth is too much – too insecure, too needy, too eager to please, too caring, too giving, too acquiescent, too grateful, too tolerant, too forgiving. An example that is easy to recognise is Jennifer Aniston’s character in the movie, “The Break Up”. Other examples are women who repeatedly forgive partners or husbands for emotional abuse, violence or betrayal and humiliation of repeated infidelities or desperately cling to a man who wants to leave the relationship. An observer may well ask, “Why do these women put up with such treatment from these men”? “Why do they stay”? “How do they get into these relationships in the first place”? The answer to all questions is the same - the women have a low sense of Self Worth and the subconscious belief that they do not deserve any better.
Summarising characteristics of Self Worth:
Strong, healthy sense of Self Worth:
* Acknowledging worthy of having needs met
* Can be assertive in meeting needs, calmly, politely, non-aggressively
* Does not buy into belief that aggression = strength
* Considerate of needs of others
* Comfortable putting needs of others first
Poor or low Self Worth:
* Living a life of compromise, settling for second best in jobs and relationships
* Putting own needs last all or most of the time
* Needs approval, may be a 'people pleaser', can't say 'no'
* Fear of upsetting others ad being disliked
Compensating for low Self Worth:
* Covering up, masking with a persona of confidence
* May strive for career success
* Seeks self-improvement, reads self-help books
* May self-medicate with drugs/alcohol, reliant on alcohol
Over-compensating for low Self Worth - may be mistaken for high Self Worth:
* ‘Out there ’attention-seeking behaviour, loud, boorish, insensitive
* Ensuring their needs are met, aggressively, selfishly
* Ignoring, overriding or violating needs of others
* May have a sense of entitlement due to
- being spoilt by parents, given inappropriate praise (narcissistic personality)
- making up for deprivations as a child.
Secret #2.
The most important basic emotional need kids have is to feel valued by their parents. (Suggest: Read “Validation Hypothesis” in "More Info"). When we value something, we take care of it. If parents value their kids, they will be more likely to take care of them. Conversely, parents who neglect or abuse their kids clearly do not value them. The subconscious goal of kids’ behaviour is to be valued by their parents in order to be taken care of. Parents who want their kids to feel valued need to engage in the appropriate parenting behaviour which will elicit relevant feelings in the child. Simply telling a child they are valued is not going to cut it. Spending a lot of money on ‘must have’ fashion clothing and technology is not going to cut it either. Parenting that will result in kids feeling valued is discussed in pages listed under "Self Esteem Parenting".
Secret #3.
Our sense of Self Worth is based on this value that we believe our parents place on us. We adopt or internalise this perceived value as our own sense of Self Worth. I say ‘perceived value’ because what kids believe about how their parents value them may not be accurate. Kids are not mind readers. Come to think of it, most adults are not good mind readers, either and often put an incorrect interpretation on the words and actions of others. Parents' words and actions do not always convey to their kids how much they value them. For example, Dad may be motivated by love for his family when he takes a ‘fly in, fly out’ mining job in another state so he can earn enough money to buy a home. However, the kids’ subjective experience will be his absence and feeling unimportant to him. Parents’ words and actions are not always a concordant representation of how they value their kids. For example, parents may tell their kids that they are special, important, wonderful and much loved, but if their behaviour does not support their words, the kids’ emotional experience may be feeling unloved and unimportant. So, for better or worse, a kid’s perceptual system does the best it can in interpreting what information is available (ie, parent’s words and actions and the kids’ feelings that are elicited by the parent’s words and actions).
Secret #4.
This perceived value (and Self Worth) are based on what parents do and say or what they don’t say and don’t do. However, this value is not derived from the explicit message in parents’ words and behaviour, but in the subliminal message that is implicit in their words and behaviour. For example, Mum gives her infant hugs and kisses and says, “Mummy loves her sweet little Bunnikins” and the infant experiences warm fuzzy feelings (ie, feeling loved). The explicit message received by the child (via Mum’s words and actions and the infant’s feelings) is, “Mum loves me”. However, the more significant message received by the child is the subliminal one, “Mum loves me because she thinks I am worthy of love”, which is implicit in her words and actions. Feelings elicited by parents’ behaviour play a key role in what messages kids receive, both the explicit and the implicit ones.
Secret #5.
This may seem a bit odd, but the onus for receiving care is actually on the kids. Perhaps there are several reasons for this: (i) Parental instincts may not always be reliable. (ii) Often the carers are not the biological parents. (iii) In a socially progressive, enlightened society, all adults aught to feel some sense of responsibility (eg, caring, protection, guidance and as role models) towards the children in that society, as in, “It takes a village to raise a child”. Kids’ brains are innately programmed to engage in ‘care eliciting’ behaviour and the care giver is then supposed to respond with the relevant behaviour to meet the particular need. For example, when a baby is smiling, cooing and gurgling or crying, it is performing ‘care eliciting’ behaviour in order to receive parental attention.
This onus has several implications for child behaviour: (i) Kids’ behaviour is goal-directed to gain parental approval (or avoid disapproval and alienation) in order to be valued so they will be taken care of. (ii) That means that behaviour has to always be acceptable to parents, so unacceptable thoughts, feelings and behaviour need to be ‘repressed’. (Suggest: Read "Repressed Anger" under "More Info"). This concealing of true thoughts and feelings is innate the basis of adaptive behaviour. Early childhood is where we learn to wear a 'mask' to hide feelings, 'armour' to protect feelings and 'adopt roles' in which we feel accepted and validated (or avoid disapproval and alienation). Adaptive behaviour is a child concealing the true thoughts and feelings in order to be valued by parents, rather than indicating a child is emotionally ‘ok’. (iii) Kids feel responsible for how they are treated and for what happens in their lives. For example, when parents split up, young kids often feel that it is their fault – “If I had been good, Daddy wouldn’t have left us”.
Next is the "5-part Model" which discusses "Essential principles of Parenting".