Relationships
Given the high rate of divorce and relationship breakdown in Western society and given the high rate of adults with several children by different partners, then it is a safe statement to make that most couples are mismatched and most relationships
are ill-fated, doomed before they start. This statement is based on the assumption that people do not start out with long term plans to break up with partners after they have had children so they can move on to repeat the exercise with other partners, leaving devastation in their wake each time.
If this is not what they plan, then how is it that so many people get it wrong - and repeatedly, keep getting it wrong? And of the couples who remain together, how many have got it right and are happy and how many are unhappy but just tough it out beccause of the financial cost of splitting up or being afraid to be alone?
I will put in my two cents worth from what I have observed from my clients to be a common basis of relationships. In a nut shell, relationships, whether they be ideal or mismatched couples, have their origins in childhood – many years before partners meet. Following are examples of attractions guided subconsciously by Child Ego States with their own subconscious
agendas. Rational individuals who would not take advice from a child when making major life decisions are subconsciously actually allowing a child (ego state) to make their relationship decisions.
Unmet needs as a basis of attraction
When individuals say, “I love you”, what they are commonly actually saying is, “I want you to love me because I need to be
loved and accepted for who I am - I need to feel loved”. ‘Love’ is a word that is mostly used loosely, in expectation of having needs (emotional or sexual) met. The mere physical act of having sex is often referred to as ‘making love’. (A newspaper photograph of two entangled snakes 'mating' is generally accompanied by the caption referreing to them as making love). Men driven by lust will declare their ‘love’ for a woman to 'get into her pants’. Emotionally needy women will proclaim their love for a man whom they believe can provide the love and approval their ‘inner child’ needs - which is actually a parental love. Men and women who feel some degree of emotional deprivation as a child will respond to these outward appearances or expressions of love. ‘In their head’, they know not to listen, but the emotionally deprived Child Ego State is not so discerning and believes, clinging to the hope that this other person can meet the need for love and approval that was unmet by the parents. In this conflict between their ‘head’ and what they believe to be their ‘heart’, the individual ignores the good sense of their rational mind and gives in to the ‘heart’. However, what they don’t realise is that they are not being guided by their ‘heart’, but are actually responding to the needs and hopes of a Child Ego State whose need for love and approval were unmet as a child.
These relationships are immature (since the attraction comes from a Child Ego State) and conditional (since any affection given is in the subconscious expectation of receiving from the partner to meet the needs of the Child Ego State). Perhaps the most common basis of relationships is based on this need of one partner (or both) subconsciously seeking to meet emotional needs of a Child Ego State. One partner (or both) subconsciously seeks parental love and approval from the other. These relationships are doomed to be unsatisfactory since the partner is not the parent so is unable - and generally unwilling - to fill that role, as indicated by derogatory comments, “I am not your mother” or “You’re being a child”.
‘Validation role’ as basis of attraction
Another basis of subconscious immature attraction is from a Child Ego State who represents the role in which the
individual felt validated as a child. For example, a girl who was a surrogate mother for her siblings and/or was in a role of reversed parenting (taking care of a parent), or a boy who became the man of the house after his father died or deserted the family. If a parent showed appreciation for them in this role, then as an adult, they feel validated only on the basis of selflessly being responsible for taking care of others. This person will actually have two conflicting child ego states, one dominant and one is denied recognition, is repressed. The dominant one is the one which achieves validation (ie, taking care of others) and the repressed one is unmet emotional needs that had to be relinquished in the role as a surrogate parents to siblings.
Subconsciously, the ‘surrogate parent’ may be attracted to a partner in need of care. This partner may be in need of parental care and love or is helpless or dependent or in need of rescuing or is emotionally damaged and in need of fixing. This may appear to be an ideal match since each is meeting the Child Ego State needs of the other. However, while the partner in need of parental love and care etc is likely to be happy and the partner who needs to be taking care of someone is also happy, the latter may not be happy for long. This is because the reason for existence of this selfless caring role is to receive
validation through acknowledgement and appreciation. Unfortunately, the partner in need of care may be immature and self focussed so may fail to acknowledge the care and nurturing given by the partner. This lack of appreciation will eventually result in the caring partner feeling resentful. If the caring partner is feeling unappreciated and taken for granted, the need to care for others becomes less secure and loses its dominant position enabling the unmet emotional needs (which have been subjugated and repressed in the subconscious mind) to rise to prominence. In effect, it shakes free from the ‘gag’ and screams out, “What about me – what about my needs to be loved and taken care of - my needs are not unimportant – I am not less deserving of love and care than everyone else - I do deserve to be loved”.
Likewise, if the caring partner is a woman and mother, then the husband (and children as well) appear to believe that this selfless woman feels happy only when being selfless and they act like they are doing her a favour by allowing her to be selfless. They don’t realise that what this selfless wife (and mother) really needs is to feel appreciated. Eventually, without the needed validation, she feels unappreciated and taken for granted. The repressed unmet emotional needs emerge and finds its voice, "What about me"? The family will wonder why their former selfless partner (and mother) has suddenly become grumpy and snappy but dismiss it simply as ‘that time of the month’ or a sign of aging - ‘she must be menopausal’. It does not occur to them that this selfless partner (and parent) has emotional needs too.
Low self worth and ‘settling’
Individuals with low self worth may need to be in a relationship as a source of validation. Being in a relationship (regardless of its quality) may serve to make them feel worthy of love, since their partner must have considered them worthy of love. Of course, it is not really effective in boosting Self Worth or Self Esteem because the individual settles for anyone who is willing to be in a relationship with them. They subconsciously believe that the kind of partner they would really like is above them and ‘would not want them’. So, rather than feeling better about themselves, they feel grateful to the partner (they have settled for) for taking on someone unworthy of love. In addition, because they settle for less than they would really like in a relationship, they feel that the value placed on them by the partner (they settled for) is not worth much, so is not really very validating. Although the relationship may be unsatisfactory, the individual with the low self worth will remain because it does provide some emotional security and is ‘better than nothing’. This individual may be willing to put up with years of disrespectful ‘crap’ in the marriage, verbal abuse and even violence, because she is reluctant to be ‘alone’. She believes that if she leaves, no one else might want her, and being alone is confirmation of unworthiness to be wanted and loved.
Abusive relationships
Abusive relationships (whether they be manipulative, exploitative, controlling, with verbal, emotional, mental or sexual abuse and/or physical violence) are so common that they qualify as a category of relationship. Like other types of relationships, they have their roots in childhood. The female partner is a woman with low Self Worth and often a history of some form of childhood abuse or neglect, hence she has been ‘taught’ that is what
she deserves and is not worthy of anything better. The male partner also has low Self Worth, generally an abusive childhood, unresolved anger (towards his mother and/or father) and ongoing anger issues, drinks excessively, and may have had a drunken, violent or bullying father as a role model. The woman is attracted to
men who will treat her in the way she has been conditioned to accept as what she deserves and the man is
attracted to these women who will be prepared to accept his behaviour. ‘Rescuers’ may believe they can ‘save’ these men and ‘fix’ them. Women who were neglected during their childhood may feel flattered by the attentions of a man who is jealous and possessive. They may see jealousy and possessiveness as evidence of his love and her worthiness of love, instead of seeing this behaviour for what it really is - a 'red flag' warning of torment and terror that his behaviour will inevitably eventually escalate into. A pattern of ‘abuse followed by remorse and promises’ may fool a woman initially, but how many years of abuse should she need for her to open her eyes and realise her belief that he will change is just a delusion? How many displays of phony remorse and false promises does it take for her to realise she is just being manipulated? He is not going to change unless he acknowledges he has a problem and wants to change – and why would he want to when a woman is prepared to remain and accept him and his behaviour as he is? He is not going to be motivated to change while he has what he wants – a woman who is willing to remain and subject herself to his behaviour. Despite her verbal protests, by remaining, the only message he hears is that 'she is prepared to accept his behaviour'.
Women have to accept responsibility for domestic violence. Not for provocation of a man into violence, but for poor decision making - to ignore the warning signs, to ignore advice of family and friends, and to remain in a relationship that is abusive (or clearly has the potential to involve into one) and to bring babies into that environment. Too often, her decision to eventually end the relationship is actually to kill him. The defence of ‘battered wife syndrome’ is used, but how justifiable is that? The defence of being ‘subjected to years of intolerable abuse’ does not hold up. If a woman has ‘tolerated’ years of abuse, then it was not ‘intolerable’ and it has been her decision to subject herself to remaining in the abusive relationship. Admittedly, the leniency which courts show to perpetrators of domestic violence may be a deterrent to women to report abusive husbands and feel safe if they leave. On the other hand, it is understandable that domestic violence may not be taken seriously when women themselves choose to not charge their abusive partner, but repeatedly choose to return to or remain with a violent spouse or even choose to enter into
relationships with men who have a history of violence against women.
Women have to accept responsibility for their choices. Victims of domestic violence are actually victims of their own poor decisions. Women need to take notice of early warning signs and not dismiss them. Don’t have babies with these men in some mistaken belief that the man will change for the better – having babies just seals the door of the trap, making women more dependent on their partners and making it more difficult to leave. If you are in an abusive relationship, don’t just complain to friends and then ignore their advice to ‘get out – leave him NOW’. Women do not have to be victims of domestic violence – so don’t play the victim if you really don’t want to be a victim. Women may believe that verbal and emotional abuse is ‘not really abuse’ because he doesn’t hit her– yet, that is. Any form of abuse, no matter how ‘benign’ it may appear to be initially, has the potential to escalate into violence, particularly when alcohol, drug use and stress (such as financial stress due to unemployment or gambling debts) are involved.
Parental influences on adult intimate relationships
Role of same-sex parent:
The parent of the same sex will provide a role model for behaviour in adult intimate relationships. So, if Mum ‘never spoke up’ or ‘was submissive to Dad' or ‘kept the peace at any price’, the daughter may do likewise. Even if she is aware this is not ideal, and she is generally quite outspoken, when in a committed relationship of her own, she may be disconcerted to realise she behaves ‘just like Mum’. If Mum is single and has a string of marriages, de facto relationships or boyfriends because she has low Self Worth and needs to be with a man in order to feel validated (even though these relationships may often be abusive or dysfunctional), then from early teens, her daughter may do likewise. A man who has been critical of his own father’s performance as a husband, if lacking exposure to any better male role model, may ‘copy’ his father, unaware of how to do it differently.
If there was no same-sex parent to provide a role model, the individual may be a bit lost in their roles in their own relationships unless they had significant exposure to other adult relationships. If the child had a personality similar to the opposite-sex parent and that relationship was closer and more significant than with the same-sex parent, then in adult relationships, this child may take on the role of that opposite-sex parent. For example, if Mum was a 'larger than life' personality or domineering and controlling and Dad was more reserved and 'did as he was told', then a daughter who is similar and closer to Dad may be attracted to a domineering partner.
Role of opposite-sex parent:
The relationship between the child and the opposite-sex parent will set expectations of how the child deserves to be treated by partners in adult relationships. If Dad was emotionally cold and distant or just too busy to have time for his daughter, she is likely to be attracted to a man who is emotionally unavailable (even married or if he
is separated, his children are his top priority). If Dad treated her like a princess, she will expect the same treatment from her partner, although he may eventually grow to resent her for being ‘high maintenance’. If the daughter felt loved, respected and valued by her father, she is unlikely to settle for less in adult relationships. If Mum treated her son as if he were a God who could do no wrong and she was his slave - he will expect a wife/partner to continue that role. If he marries a woman with low Self Worth (such as a ‘people pleaser’ or ‘door mat’ or someone who ‘needs to take care of others’ to feel validated) his needs will be met. Otherwise, he may be in for a rude awakening. If there has been no opposite-sex parent, the adult may be attracted to a partner who is a parent-figure (who may be older or whose role as a child was reversed parenting and/or surrogate parent to siblings) to meet the needs of the parent-child relationship that have been unmet.
If there has been a conflicted relationship between child and opposite-sex parent, then there may well be a decision to choose a partner as unlike that parent as possible. However, ironically, if there is lack of awareness of the subconscious patterning that may still exist, then there may be a subconscious attempt to recreate the conflicted relationship that they sought to avoid.
Role of parents’ relationship:
For better or for worse, the parents’ relationship is a model for adult relationships. Does this mean that if the parents have what appears to be a ‘perfect’ relationship, then the children will be assured of having ideal relationships when they become adults? Not necessarily. The children may have a naive expectation as adults that any relationship they have will automatically be like that of their parents. Without an understanding of ‘how’ and ‘why’ their parents’ relationship works for both of them, then from their first teenage romances, they may be in for disappointment and heartbreak when their relationships fail to live up to expectations.
If the ‘child-parent relationships’ and the ‘parent role models’ were healthy and functional, including demonstrating healthy resolution of conflict, then what the child learns will stand them in good stead in their own adult relationships. However, if the ‘child-parent relationships’ and ‘parent role models’ were less than ideal, the individual is likely to be at a disadvantage going into adult relationships, because they ‘do not know any better’. This does not mean that individuals are doomed to make the mistakes of their parents and are doomed to be attracted to, and be stuck in, dysfunctional relationships. A child from an absolutely rotten family environment who has been able to stand back and look in as an observer rather than being totally enmeshed in the mess, may have the awareness to avoid being attracted into dysfunctional relationships as an adult. However, in general, breaking out of less than desirable learned roles requires awareness and effort to succeed in doing things differently.
Checking out the partner’s parents:
Young men considering marriage were commonly advised to check out their prospective bride’s mother, to see what the daughter might look like in twenty or thirty years’ time. The implication was that even though the daughter may be slim and
attractive now, if her mother was inclined to be somewhat obese, then perhaps, in the long term, marriage to the daughter may not be such an attractive proposition. This would be emphasised if the overweight mother showed her wedding photographs to the prospective son-in-law and proudly pointed out how petite she was on her wedding day.
However, a more pertinent observation to make would be for both to check out the relationship between their partner’s
parents. How do the parents interact and treat each other? How do they speak about each other, behind their partner’s back? Does their behaviour indicate affection and mutual respect? Does one appear to be domineering and controlling? Do they fight and argue, snap and snarl at each other? Does one partner have a history of affairs but the other partner keeps ‘forgiving’ and believing promises to ‘not to do it again’? Are there belittling comments, ‘put downs’, or deprecating jokes? All in good fun,
of course (NOT).
Role modelling goes deep and it takes awareness and effort to change that. During the pre-commitment period of a relationship, both partners are on their best behaviour, so undesirable traits may not be obvious. However, over time, with the confidence, security, comfort or complacency and ‘taking for granted’ in a long term relationship, the excitement may fade, caring for children may take priority over the relationship and the ‘best behaviour’ facade slips. Then, in times of stress, conflict, emotional insecurity, family responsibilities, work pressures, hardship or boredom, deeply buried behaviour and attitudes may emerge. This may be a reflection of modelling of their parents’ behaviour as a reaction to those situations or a means of coping with them. Emergence of undesirable behaviour may be distressing to the partner, but if they had observed the parents with their eyes open, it should come as no surprise. Likewise, we may experience alarm when we realise we are turning into our own parents, doing and saying things we swore we never would!
Comment
This is not intended as a gloomy or cynical condemnation of relationships. Rather, it serves to warn of the pitfalls when entering into and committing to relationships when there is a lack of awareness of the subconscious motivations and that the
‘heart’ may actually be a Child Ego State with its own childish agenda. Rather than being a cynic, I am perhaps a naive romantic who still believes in ‘true love’. I believe that a mature love is the intimate attachment between two emotionally self-sufficient adults. This is more likely to be a selfless unconditional giving of love rather than conditional giving affection in order to receive love and approval. These individuals simply want to be together rather than needing each other. In order to achieve this, the individuals need to have awareness of their ‘stuff’ and take responsibility for doing something about resolving
it instead of expecting ‘love to resolve all’. If ‘stuff’ is not resolved, then the same mistakes will be made over and over and over in subsequent relationships. That raises the point that repeatedly doing something the same way and expecting a different outcome has been cited as the definition of insanity?
are ill-fated, doomed before they start. This statement is based on the assumption that people do not start out with long term plans to break up with partners after they have had children so they can move on to repeat the exercise with other partners, leaving devastation in their wake each time.
If this is not what they plan, then how is it that so many people get it wrong - and repeatedly, keep getting it wrong? And of the couples who remain together, how many have got it right and are happy and how many are unhappy but just tough it out beccause of the financial cost of splitting up or being afraid to be alone?
I will put in my two cents worth from what I have observed from my clients to be a common basis of relationships. In a nut shell, relationships, whether they be ideal or mismatched couples, have their origins in childhood – many years before partners meet. Following are examples of attractions guided subconsciously by Child Ego States with their own subconscious
agendas. Rational individuals who would not take advice from a child when making major life decisions are subconsciously actually allowing a child (ego state) to make their relationship decisions.
Unmet needs as a basis of attraction
When individuals say, “I love you”, what they are commonly actually saying is, “I want you to love me because I need to be
loved and accepted for who I am - I need to feel loved”. ‘Love’ is a word that is mostly used loosely, in expectation of having needs (emotional or sexual) met. The mere physical act of having sex is often referred to as ‘making love’. (A newspaper photograph of two entangled snakes 'mating' is generally accompanied by the caption referreing to them as making love). Men driven by lust will declare their ‘love’ for a woman to 'get into her pants’. Emotionally needy women will proclaim their love for a man whom they believe can provide the love and approval their ‘inner child’ needs - which is actually a parental love. Men and women who feel some degree of emotional deprivation as a child will respond to these outward appearances or expressions of love. ‘In their head’, they know not to listen, but the emotionally deprived Child Ego State is not so discerning and believes, clinging to the hope that this other person can meet the need for love and approval that was unmet by the parents. In this conflict between their ‘head’ and what they believe to be their ‘heart’, the individual ignores the good sense of their rational mind and gives in to the ‘heart’. However, what they don’t realise is that they are not being guided by their ‘heart’, but are actually responding to the needs and hopes of a Child Ego State whose need for love and approval were unmet as a child.
These relationships are immature (since the attraction comes from a Child Ego State) and conditional (since any affection given is in the subconscious expectation of receiving from the partner to meet the needs of the Child Ego State). Perhaps the most common basis of relationships is based on this need of one partner (or both) subconsciously seeking to meet emotional needs of a Child Ego State. One partner (or both) subconsciously seeks parental love and approval from the other. These relationships are doomed to be unsatisfactory since the partner is not the parent so is unable - and generally unwilling - to fill that role, as indicated by derogatory comments, “I am not your mother” or “You’re being a child”.
‘Validation role’ as basis of attraction
Another basis of subconscious immature attraction is from a Child Ego State who represents the role in which the
individual felt validated as a child. For example, a girl who was a surrogate mother for her siblings and/or was in a role of reversed parenting (taking care of a parent), or a boy who became the man of the house after his father died or deserted the family. If a parent showed appreciation for them in this role, then as an adult, they feel validated only on the basis of selflessly being responsible for taking care of others. This person will actually have two conflicting child ego states, one dominant and one is denied recognition, is repressed. The dominant one is the one which achieves validation (ie, taking care of others) and the repressed one is unmet emotional needs that had to be relinquished in the role as a surrogate parents to siblings.
Subconsciously, the ‘surrogate parent’ may be attracted to a partner in need of care. This partner may be in need of parental care and love or is helpless or dependent or in need of rescuing or is emotionally damaged and in need of fixing. This may appear to be an ideal match since each is meeting the Child Ego State needs of the other. However, while the partner in need of parental love and care etc is likely to be happy and the partner who needs to be taking care of someone is also happy, the latter may not be happy for long. This is because the reason for existence of this selfless caring role is to receive
validation through acknowledgement and appreciation. Unfortunately, the partner in need of care may be immature and self focussed so may fail to acknowledge the care and nurturing given by the partner. This lack of appreciation will eventually result in the caring partner feeling resentful. If the caring partner is feeling unappreciated and taken for granted, the need to care for others becomes less secure and loses its dominant position enabling the unmet emotional needs (which have been subjugated and repressed in the subconscious mind) to rise to prominence. In effect, it shakes free from the ‘gag’ and screams out, “What about me – what about my needs to be loved and taken care of - my needs are not unimportant – I am not less deserving of love and care than everyone else - I do deserve to be loved”.
Likewise, if the caring partner is a woman and mother, then the husband (and children as well) appear to believe that this selfless woman feels happy only when being selfless and they act like they are doing her a favour by allowing her to be selfless. They don’t realise that what this selfless wife (and mother) really needs is to feel appreciated. Eventually, without the needed validation, she feels unappreciated and taken for granted. The repressed unmet emotional needs emerge and finds its voice, "What about me"? The family will wonder why their former selfless partner (and mother) has suddenly become grumpy and snappy but dismiss it simply as ‘that time of the month’ or a sign of aging - ‘she must be menopausal’. It does not occur to them that this selfless partner (and parent) has emotional needs too.
Low self worth and ‘settling’
Individuals with low self worth may need to be in a relationship as a source of validation. Being in a relationship (regardless of its quality) may serve to make them feel worthy of love, since their partner must have considered them worthy of love. Of course, it is not really effective in boosting Self Worth or Self Esteem because the individual settles for anyone who is willing to be in a relationship with them. They subconsciously believe that the kind of partner they would really like is above them and ‘would not want them’. So, rather than feeling better about themselves, they feel grateful to the partner (they have settled for) for taking on someone unworthy of love. In addition, because they settle for less than they would really like in a relationship, they feel that the value placed on them by the partner (they settled for) is not worth much, so is not really very validating. Although the relationship may be unsatisfactory, the individual with the low self worth will remain because it does provide some emotional security and is ‘better than nothing’. This individual may be willing to put up with years of disrespectful ‘crap’ in the marriage, verbal abuse and even violence, because she is reluctant to be ‘alone’. She believes that if she leaves, no one else might want her, and being alone is confirmation of unworthiness to be wanted and loved.
Abusive relationships
Abusive relationships (whether they be manipulative, exploitative, controlling, with verbal, emotional, mental or sexual abuse and/or physical violence) are so common that they qualify as a category of relationship. Like other types of relationships, they have their roots in childhood. The female partner is a woman with low Self Worth and often a history of some form of childhood abuse or neglect, hence she has been ‘taught’ that is what
she deserves and is not worthy of anything better. The male partner also has low Self Worth, generally an abusive childhood, unresolved anger (towards his mother and/or father) and ongoing anger issues, drinks excessively, and may have had a drunken, violent or bullying father as a role model. The woman is attracted to
men who will treat her in the way she has been conditioned to accept as what she deserves and the man is
attracted to these women who will be prepared to accept his behaviour. ‘Rescuers’ may believe they can ‘save’ these men and ‘fix’ them. Women who were neglected during their childhood may feel flattered by the attentions of a man who is jealous and possessive. They may see jealousy and possessiveness as evidence of his love and her worthiness of love, instead of seeing this behaviour for what it really is - a 'red flag' warning of torment and terror that his behaviour will inevitably eventually escalate into. A pattern of ‘abuse followed by remorse and promises’ may fool a woman initially, but how many years of abuse should she need for her to open her eyes and realise her belief that he will change is just a delusion? How many displays of phony remorse and false promises does it take for her to realise she is just being manipulated? He is not going to change unless he acknowledges he has a problem and wants to change – and why would he want to when a woman is prepared to remain and accept him and his behaviour as he is? He is not going to be motivated to change while he has what he wants – a woman who is willing to remain and subject herself to his behaviour. Despite her verbal protests, by remaining, the only message he hears is that 'she is prepared to accept his behaviour'.
Women have to accept responsibility for domestic violence. Not for provocation of a man into violence, but for poor decision making - to ignore the warning signs, to ignore advice of family and friends, and to remain in a relationship that is abusive (or clearly has the potential to involve into one) and to bring babies into that environment. Too often, her decision to eventually end the relationship is actually to kill him. The defence of ‘battered wife syndrome’ is used, but how justifiable is that? The defence of being ‘subjected to years of intolerable abuse’ does not hold up. If a woman has ‘tolerated’ years of abuse, then it was not ‘intolerable’ and it has been her decision to subject herself to remaining in the abusive relationship. Admittedly, the leniency which courts show to perpetrators of domestic violence may be a deterrent to women to report abusive husbands and feel safe if they leave. On the other hand, it is understandable that domestic violence may not be taken seriously when women themselves choose to not charge their abusive partner, but repeatedly choose to return to or remain with a violent spouse or even choose to enter into
relationships with men who have a history of violence against women.
Women have to accept responsibility for their choices. Victims of domestic violence are actually victims of their own poor decisions. Women need to take notice of early warning signs and not dismiss them. Don’t have babies with these men in some mistaken belief that the man will change for the better – having babies just seals the door of the trap, making women more dependent on their partners and making it more difficult to leave. If you are in an abusive relationship, don’t just complain to friends and then ignore their advice to ‘get out – leave him NOW’. Women do not have to be victims of domestic violence – so don’t play the victim if you really don’t want to be a victim. Women may believe that verbal and emotional abuse is ‘not really abuse’ because he doesn’t hit her– yet, that is. Any form of abuse, no matter how ‘benign’ it may appear to be initially, has the potential to escalate into violence, particularly when alcohol, drug use and stress (such as financial stress due to unemployment or gambling debts) are involved.
Parental influences on adult intimate relationships
Role of same-sex parent:
The parent of the same sex will provide a role model for behaviour in adult intimate relationships. So, if Mum ‘never spoke up’ or ‘was submissive to Dad' or ‘kept the peace at any price’, the daughter may do likewise. Even if she is aware this is not ideal, and she is generally quite outspoken, when in a committed relationship of her own, she may be disconcerted to realise she behaves ‘just like Mum’. If Mum is single and has a string of marriages, de facto relationships or boyfriends because she has low Self Worth and needs to be with a man in order to feel validated (even though these relationships may often be abusive or dysfunctional), then from early teens, her daughter may do likewise. A man who has been critical of his own father’s performance as a husband, if lacking exposure to any better male role model, may ‘copy’ his father, unaware of how to do it differently.
If there was no same-sex parent to provide a role model, the individual may be a bit lost in their roles in their own relationships unless they had significant exposure to other adult relationships. If the child had a personality similar to the opposite-sex parent and that relationship was closer and more significant than with the same-sex parent, then in adult relationships, this child may take on the role of that opposite-sex parent. For example, if Mum was a 'larger than life' personality or domineering and controlling and Dad was more reserved and 'did as he was told', then a daughter who is similar and closer to Dad may be attracted to a domineering partner.
Role of opposite-sex parent:
The relationship between the child and the opposite-sex parent will set expectations of how the child deserves to be treated by partners in adult relationships. If Dad was emotionally cold and distant or just too busy to have time for his daughter, she is likely to be attracted to a man who is emotionally unavailable (even married or if he
is separated, his children are his top priority). If Dad treated her like a princess, she will expect the same treatment from her partner, although he may eventually grow to resent her for being ‘high maintenance’. If the daughter felt loved, respected and valued by her father, she is unlikely to settle for less in adult relationships. If Mum treated her son as if he were a God who could do no wrong and she was his slave - he will expect a wife/partner to continue that role. If he marries a woman with low Self Worth (such as a ‘people pleaser’ or ‘door mat’ or someone who ‘needs to take care of others’ to feel validated) his needs will be met. Otherwise, he may be in for a rude awakening. If there has been no opposite-sex parent, the adult may be attracted to a partner who is a parent-figure (who may be older or whose role as a child was reversed parenting and/or surrogate parent to siblings) to meet the needs of the parent-child relationship that have been unmet.
If there has been a conflicted relationship between child and opposite-sex parent, then there may well be a decision to choose a partner as unlike that parent as possible. However, ironically, if there is lack of awareness of the subconscious patterning that may still exist, then there may be a subconscious attempt to recreate the conflicted relationship that they sought to avoid.
Role of parents’ relationship:
For better or for worse, the parents’ relationship is a model for adult relationships. Does this mean that if the parents have what appears to be a ‘perfect’ relationship, then the children will be assured of having ideal relationships when they become adults? Not necessarily. The children may have a naive expectation as adults that any relationship they have will automatically be like that of their parents. Without an understanding of ‘how’ and ‘why’ their parents’ relationship works for both of them, then from their first teenage romances, they may be in for disappointment and heartbreak when their relationships fail to live up to expectations.
If the ‘child-parent relationships’ and the ‘parent role models’ were healthy and functional, including demonstrating healthy resolution of conflict, then what the child learns will stand them in good stead in their own adult relationships. However, if the ‘child-parent relationships’ and ‘parent role models’ were less than ideal, the individual is likely to be at a disadvantage going into adult relationships, because they ‘do not know any better’. This does not mean that individuals are doomed to make the mistakes of their parents and are doomed to be attracted to, and be stuck in, dysfunctional relationships. A child from an absolutely rotten family environment who has been able to stand back and look in as an observer rather than being totally enmeshed in the mess, may have the awareness to avoid being attracted into dysfunctional relationships as an adult. However, in general, breaking out of less than desirable learned roles requires awareness and effort to succeed in doing things differently.
Checking out the partner’s parents:
Young men considering marriage were commonly advised to check out their prospective bride’s mother, to see what the daughter might look like in twenty or thirty years’ time. The implication was that even though the daughter may be slim and
attractive now, if her mother was inclined to be somewhat obese, then perhaps, in the long term, marriage to the daughter may not be such an attractive proposition. This would be emphasised if the overweight mother showed her wedding photographs to the prospective son-in-law and proudly pointed out how petite she was on her wedding day.
However, a more pertinent observation to make would be for both to check out the relationship between their partner’s
parents. How do the parents interact and treat each other? How do they speak about each other, behind their partner’s back? Does their behaviour indicate affection and mutual respect? Does one appear to be domineering and controlling? Do they fight and argue, snap and snarl at each other? Does one partner have a history of affairs but the other partner keeps ‘forgiving’ and believing promises to ‘not to do it again’? Are there belittling comments, ‘put downs’, or deprecating jokes? All in good fun,
of course (NOT).
Role modelling goes deep and it takes awareness and effort to change that. During the pre-commitment period of a relationship, both partners are on their best behaviour, so undesirable traits may not be obvious. However, over time, with the confidence, security, comfort or complacency and ‘taking for granted’ in a long term relationship, the excitement may fade, caring for children may take priority over the relationship and the ‘best behaviour’ facade slips. Then, in times of stress, conflict, emotional insecurity, family responsibilities, work pressures, hardship or boredom, deeply buried behaviour and attitudes may emerge. This may be a reflection of modelling of their parents’ behaviour as a reaction to those situations or a means of coping with them. Emergence of undesirable behaviour may be distressing to the partner, but if they had observed the parents with their eyes open, it should come as no surprise. Likewise, we may experience alarm when we realise we are turning into our own parents, doing and saying things we swore we never would!
Comment
This is not intended as a gloomy or cynical condemnation of relationships. Rather, it serves to warn of the pitfalls when entering into and committing to relationships when there is a lack of awareness of the subconscious motivations and that the
‘heart’ may actually be a Child Ego State with its own childish agenda. Rather than being a cynic, I am perhaps a naive romantic who still believes in ‘true love’. I believe that a mature love is the intimate attachment between two emotionally self-sufficient adults. This is more likely to be a selfless unconditional giving of love rather than conditional giving affection in order to receive love and approval. These individuals simply want to be together rather than needing each other. In order to achieve this, the individuals need to have awareness of their ‘stuff’ and take responsibility for doing something about resolving
it instead of expecting ‘love to resolve all’. If ‘stuff’ is not resolved, then the same mistakes will be made over and over and over in subsequent relationships. That raises the point that repeatedly doing something the same way and expecting a different outcome has been cited as the definition of insanity?