Essential Principles of Parenting:
Part 5
5. Protection – Safe:
Children and adolescents may not want limits set for them but innately, subconsciously they need boundaries so they can feel safe and valued. Toddlers may throw tantrums in frustration when thwarted, teenagers may scream or grumble, “I hate you”, when denied permission to do something inappropriate, but they are merely testing the boundaries. They are not testing
to see if they can break through them, but testing for reassurance that the boundaries are intact. They need to feel secure and confident that they still have that safe zone in which to explore and develop, becoming competent in their judgement and gaining confidence in their competency. They may also need a parent to say ‘no’ to provide them with a legitimate excuse to resist peer pressure to do what they don’t really want to do anyway, such as taking drugs. Perhaps they only feel the need to test the boundaries if they have doubts where the boundaries are or if they even exist. Maintaining boundaries and application of ‘tough love’ or saying ‘no’ when required (rather than being afraid your kids won’t like you), is a reassuring reminder to the child/adolescent that their parents regard them as ‘worthy of love and protection’.
While it is the primary responsibility of parents to teach their children moral values and a code of conduct, they are not always in a position to supervise the behaviour of their children and ensure they are protected or behave according to a moral code of decency. Therefore, all adults in an enlightened society aught to be community-spirited and accept responsibility to
provide consistent guidance as role models and protection against harm (moral danger as well as physical danger), as in: “It takes a village to raise a child”. It should not be the responsibility of teachers to teach manners and values but the development of these qualities should be supported by being incorporated into everyday activities and interactions, in and out of school. There should be no need to teach these as specific subjects taking up school teaching time.
Parenting Do’s:
Parents need to provide protection from physical, emotional and moral danger. While parents can provide this protection for a young child, they also need to provide protection in the form of rules and guidance in life skills and a code of moral conduct which is internalised as a ‘moral compass’. Essential is the creation of the ‘safe zone’ enclosed by a clearly defined boundary, rules or limits. In infancy, the safe zone is physical, defined by the care giver’s proximity, with the child being able to see or hear this care giver. As the child becomes more mobile, the safe zone is still physical, maintained by ensuring the house is ‘baby/toddler proof’, swimming pool secure, swimming lessons, how to cross the road safely, not to touch hot or sharp objects and Mum setting clear boundaries. Within this safe zone, the child feels (subconsciously of course) safe to explore and experiment, develop skills, gain confidence, and learn from mistakes which, made in the safe zone will not be too disastrous and painful.
Protection also includes guidance in preparation for life in the adult world. Protection and boundaries are not just physical but also conceptual and moral. Moral guidelines teaching the rules of a code of behaviour are internalised as the individual’s conscience or ‘moral compass’, which, ideally when exercised by all, provides protection not only for self but also for society. Moral guidelines include learning right/wrong, empathy, integrity, responsibility for behaviour, community obligations, respect for people and property, self respect, respect for nature, being kind to animals, ‘pulling their weight’ by doing their share of household chores without having to be bribed. (I have not mentioned ‘honesty’ since in today’s values its meaning has been diminished by using ‘honest’ speech as an excuse to be horrible, insensitive, blunt, hurtful and rude. I prefer the use of ‘integrity’ which embodies honesty with honour). Limits will include setting curfews, insisting on knowing where a child is or plans to go, insisting on the child being contactable and banning attendance at unsuitable functions. Moral protection includes education on ‘stranger danger’, supervising internet use to shield against accessing unsuitable websites (eg, pornography) and social networks being targeted by paedophiles and cyber bullying. ‘Stranger danger’ needs to be taught as applying to social media since kids are embracing strangers as ‘friends’ in a competition of ‘who has the most friends’. Protection of your daughters also means monitoring the clothing they wear. There is a certain irony in being concerned about paedophiles, yet sending daughters out dressed in sexually provocative clothing.
Moral education is the responsibility of parents - not the responsibility of teachers or society – the role of teachers and society is to support these values and incorporate a moral code of conduct in everyday living. Moral education begins in infancy with fundamentals such as: basic manners and courtesy of simple phrases such as ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘excuse me’ and to apologise for any behaviour that has harmed or transgressed on the rights of someone else, learning ‘right from wrong’, don’t tell lies, always strive to do the best you can, clear up any mess you make, put your rubbish in the bin, take care of your environment and respect the property of others, accept responsibility towards the welfare of your community, be kind to animals, be respectful, kind and helpful to others, don’t be nasty to others (don’t bully, hit, punch, kick or bite, don’t humiliate, spit at or call others by hurtful names or tell lies about them or spread malicious gossip). Throughout childhood and as the adolescent develops individuation or autonomy from its parents, the boundaries based on moral guidelines become
internalised and the individual develops its own safe zone that it carries around with an understanding of self respect and what constitutes transgression of their personal boundary.
Children need to be taught self discipline and self control (internalised rules and moral values), beginning with teaching 'impulse control' and 'emotional regulation' (in the mother-infant ATTACHMENT relationship). Parents need to resist responding slavishly and instantly to every whim and demand by the child, so allowing the child to learn about ‘delayed gratification’, thereby learning to appreciate what they get and learn patience and how to deal with frustration. Teaching the child to expect ‘instant gratification’ results in the child being ill-equipped to deal with frustration in the real world, as a child and later as an adult.
Protection is also about financial security, so guidance needs to include teaching responsible handling of finances, living within means and not just how to go shopping and spending, awareness of the trap of gambling and the manipulative nature of product advertising. Protection also includes education and guidance in other life skills such as interpersonal interaction, community spirit, negotiating way through adult life that fosters peace and harmony in society. Life skills also includes healthy lifestyle, healthy eating and exercise, avoidance of drugs and consumption alcohol in moderation - teaching to
‘get high on life’. Be a positive role model for coping constructively with the trials and tribulations of life, without having to depend on crutches such as alcohol, cigarettes or drugs. Do not give alcohol to your kids in the misguided belief that you are teaching them to drink ‘responsibly’. Evidence now shows that any consumption of alcohol by kids or adolescents increases the risk of becoming an alcoholic.
Parent need to be positive role models for what they are teaching. Remember that old saying, “Do as I say – don’t do as I do”. Well, learning behaviour, attitudes and values does not work like that. Parents need to be aware that kids will learn more from what their parents actually ‘do’ than from what they tell their kids to
believe and do.
Parenting Don’ts:
The child has placed trust in the parent to provide protection and moral guidance, so when parents fail to fulfil this responsibility, the child may feel let down or even betrayed. If the safe zone has not been clearly delineated and the rules and boundaries are non-existent, the parent can’t say, “No”, but caves in at the slightest pressure, the child/adolescent will be venturing out into a world ill-equipped. Without moral guidelines and as protection, the child/adolescent will be vulnerable
to exploitation. Lacking higher cognitive development, the child/adolescent will be easily led astray and make bad decisions, may engage in unwise experimentation, and be at risk of physical and moral danger. At a conscious level, the child/adolescent may enjoy the freedom and appear confident (bravado) but subconsciously, feel unsafe, lack confidence, and feel unvalued by parents. They feel that the parents regard them as unworthy of bothering to make the effort to protect them and provide moral guidelines and limits. If the parent repeatedly bails the child/adolescent out of trouble, then the child does not learn about responsibility for ‘consequences’. If the parent repeatedly bails an adolescent out of debt and continues to bail out this child as an ‘adult’, then this child will not ‘grow up’ and learn to take responsibility for their own life.
Being afraid to set rules and boundaries, being afraid to implement ‘tough love’, being afraid your kids will not like you if you ‘put your foot down’ and say ’no’ will produce a spoilt brat with low Self Worth. Don’t try to be a friend – you will only make a fool of yourself – your kids will never respect you. What your kids need is for you to be a parent and fulfill your parental responsibilities. Adult clients have said things to me like, “My Dad was my best mate - we always went fishing together” or “Mum was my best friend – I could talk to her about anything”. However, their parents were not trying to be their best friends – they were just being good parents.
If the child has not learnt the difference between right and wrong, not learnt about responsibility and consequences, has no concept of respect, lacks empathy, lacks a conscience and moral compass, then the child may become very
selfish, develop a sense of entitlement, believe they have a right to take (steal) whatever they desire, engage in antisocial behaviour, have a disregard for impact on others, lack a capacity for remorse and have a disregard for the law. They will be hugely unpopular and lack friends. If charming or attractive, they may attract friends initially, but will soon lose them. The only ‘friends’ they will be able to keep are ‘people pleasers’ with low sense of Self Worth who are prepared to put up with disrespectful treatment in order to feel accepted.
When a parent engages in physical abuse (whether excessive discipline, violent rage or drunken thrashings) or sexual abuse, the parent has clearly violated the child’s need to feel safe and has betrayed the child’s trust. Subsequently, there will be low Self Worth plus anger – lots of anger. This anger will be repressed. If one parent fails to protect a child from abuse by the other parent, this may qualify as violation of trust if the non-abusing parent ‘turns a blind eye’ to abuse. Even if the non-abusing parent is unaware of the abuse, if the child believes this parent is ‘turning a blind eye’, the child will feel betrayed – and angry.
'Reverse parenting' also violates the child’s needs to be taken care of and protected. If a parent is incapacitated in some way (eg, chronic illness, physical disability or use of drugs or alcohol) then that parent may be unable to take care of the children. In addition, the eldest child may have to take care of the incapacitated parent (ie, reverse parenting) and if there are
younger children, also be responsible for taking care of them (ie, be a surrogate parent).
Excessive Protection:
Excessive parenting behaviour generally takes the form of overprotection, tight control or domination. The safe zone needs to be allowed to expand and the boundaries loosened in an age-appropriate way as the child develops competency in the
existing zone. If not allowed these opportunities, then those higher cognitive functions will be poorly developed. There is likely to be low Self Worth as the child perceives the parent to believe the child is incapable of taking care of itself.
If the parent has been overprotective, the child may grow up being dependent (on the parent or others) and avoidant (as a coping strategy), since the overprotective parent has always been there to take care everything (minor details and major disasters) for the child. If children are protected from crises and deaths in the family, they may be ill-equipped to deal
with crises outside the protected family environment. If there is a death, children cannot be protected but need to be allowed to grieve and comforted in their grief. An example I have come across among clients is adults with unresolved grief and abandonment issues linked with the death of their mother when they were young. Whether Dad is trying to protect the children or he is having trouble handling his own grief and doesn’t realise the children need to grieve, commonly, his way of dealing with it is to ‘put Mum’s pictures away’ and ‘Mum is never mentioned again’.
If the parent has been over controlling and domineering, the child’s spirit may have been squashed or the child may rebel. There may also be justifiable anger because the parent has failed to allow the child/adolescent to develop independence and the ability to function effectively as an autonomous individual. The child may feel that the parent has violated its
responsibility to prepare the adolescent for self protection. The need of the parent to be over protective or over controlling
may say more about their personality or their childhood stuff than about the child’s safety.
Supporting Evidence on Boundary Setting:
Bronson and Merryman (2009), examining research studies being conducted on adolescent leisure activities (eg, sex, alcohol and drugs), boundary setting and lying to parents, revealed that ‘kids who go wild and get into trouble mostly have parents who don’t set rules or standards’. Permissive parents are afraid that rules will push their teenagers into revolt, but consciously, kids interpret this lack of rules to indicate that their parent don’t actually care and don’t really want the job of being a parent. When parents set rules, but didn’t bother making the effort to enforce them, the teenagers avoided direct rebellious conflict by sneaking around behind their parents’ backs. The parents who set a few rules in key spheres, explained them, expected them to be obeyed and enforced them, were the parents who were most warm and have the most conversations with their kids. In other spheres, these parents supported their child’s autonomy, allowing freedom to make their own decisions. Conflict isn’t all bad. Parents regard arguments with their teens to be stressful and destructive to their relationship but the teens regard them as constructive, strengthening the relationship – if they feel they have been ‘heard’.
The consensus among authors of books on child and adolescent behaviour is that problematic anti-social behaviour is more likely in families where the parents have not set boundaries and there is less emotional closeness.
Patsy Rowe (2009) has written a book “Manners Magic for Children”, in response to the abysmal manners of children due simply to parents not setting any limits and not teaching manners. The results of UK surveys she draws on reveal that a lack of discipline by parents resulted in bad behaviour by their children. Some shied away from reprimanding their children because they wanted an ‘easy life’. Many even admitted that they wished they were more strict because their child was a ‘tearaway’. Parents surveyed didn’t discipline their children for ‘fear of upsetting them’, even though many feared a lack of
boundaries could lead their children to get into trouble. Parents tended to see themselves as a ‘friend’ to their children.
Some publicity has been given to a book "Bringing up Bebe" in which the unruly, rude behaviour of Australian children embarrassing their parents in public is compared unfavourably with the well-mannered respectful behaviour of French children. The author appeared to be puzzled as to why her own children’s behaviour caused her embarrassment and even wondering if French children were born polite. (Is that really a serious question)? Of course, children are not born polite, considerate and respectful or knowing how to behave or born wise and capable of making decisions about exercising unlimited freedom. These psychological and social skills have to be taught and the primary responsibility for this teaching belongs to the parents.
There are two popular television shows which illustrate children’s need for boundaries. “World’s strictest parents” follows the progress of Australian out-of-control adolescents sent to spend time with parents who live by traditional, conservative values. Another show, “Supernanny”, features Nanny Jo Frost focusing on educating parents. What is clear in these programmes is that the out-of-control behaviour by children who were spoilt, undisciplined brats and obnoxious adolescents was a direct result of parents (otherwise caring and well intentioned) not setting boundaries or not being consistent and enforcing boundaries that had been set. Parents had come to the ‘end of their tether’ but their powerlessness was due to them having handed over their authority to their children. Positive changes in behaviour, attitude and emotional wellbeing were achieved with imposition of boundaries, consequences for misdemeanours and setting challenges that provided opportunity for achievement and improved sense of self worth.
Keep your sense of humour:
Parents need to be strong, flexible, resilient, wise, fair, patient, consistent, understanding, forgiving, tolerant, compassionate, mind readers – you can probably think of more qualities to being a reasonably good parent. Wisdom? I am still waiting for that to come. Then again, I tell myself that is the criteria of true wisdom.
An essential quality to add is having a sense of humour –and being able to keep it. Although, there is that old joke that goes something like, “If you can keep your sense of humour – you don’t really understand the situation”. My mother used to say, “You might as well laugh as cry”. Later, when times were tough, I used to say, “As long as I still have my sense of humour, all is not lost”. My childhood having been what I refer to as a ‘hard row to hoe’, I do tend to have a serious disposition so my sense of humour is not always obvious. My daughter used to tell me that I didn’t have a sense of humour at all. Later, as she matured, she informed me that I had developed a sense of humour, but what did really make me laugh was when she added that I had gotten my sense of humour ‘from her”!! Then, when I thought about it, perhaps there was some truth in that, because as she matured, I had become more relaxed around her. I recall an occasion when we were at a local
hospital ER after I had a silly incident with a motorbike. I was hobbling along the corridor to a bathroom, with my dangling jeans half cut off me, leaning on my daughter for support. There we were in the hospital corridor, like a pair of giggling schoolgirls – and it dawned on me that my daughter had never before heard me really laugh. Parenting is a serious, responsible role, but we should never forget that we need to share a laugh with our kids. We need to be responsible role models, but we also need to be role models that teach them to see that life can also be fun and if we can see the humour even in tough situations, ‘all is not lost’.
I have been referring to anger and repressed anger when the ALIAS needs are violated, so for an explanation, continue to the next article, "Anger" and also "Repressed Anger" under "More Info".
References:
Bronson, P. O.,& Merryman, A., “Nurtureshock”, Random House (2009).
Carr-Gregg, M.,“The Princess Bitchface Syndrome”, Penguin Books Australia (2006).
Hamilton, M.,“What’s happening to our boys”? Penguin Books (Australia) (2010).
Hamilton, M.,“What’s happening to our girls”? Penguin Books (Australia) (2008).
Rowe, Patsy,“Magic Manners for Children”, New Holland Publishers Australia (2010).
Wiseman, R.“Queen Bees & Wannabes”, Random House (2002).
Your Self-Understanding as an adult:
If anything on these pages reminds you of your childhood with regard to needs being unmet or violated by your parents (either deliberately or unintentionally) and you feel that this has had a negative impact on your life in some way - the good news is that hypnotherapy can help you to change that.
Children and adolescents may not want limits set for them but innately, subconsciously they need boundaries so they can feel safe and valued. Toddlers may throw tantrums in frustration when thwarted, teenagers may scream or grumble, “I hate you”, when denied permission to do something inappropriate, but they are merely testing the boundaries. They are not testing
to see if they can break through them, but testing for reassurance that the boundaries are intact. They need to feel secure and confident that they still have that safe zone in which to explore and develop, becoming competent in their judgement and gaining confidence in their competency. They may also need a parent to say ‘no’ to provide them with a legitimate excuse to resist peer pressure to do what they don’t really want to do anyway, such as taking drugs. Perhaps they only feel the need to test the boundaries if they have doubts where the boundaries are or if they even exist. Maintaining boundaries and application of ‘tough love’ or saying ‘no’ when required (rather than being afraid your kids won’t like you), is a reassuring reminder to the child/adolescent that their parents regard them as ‘worthy of love and protection’.
While it is the primary responsibility of parents to teach their children moral values and a code of conduct, they are not always in a position to supervise the behaviour of their children and ensure they are protected or behave according to a moral code of decency. Therefore, all adults in an enlightened society aught to be community-spirited and accept responsibility to
provide consistent guidance as role models and protection against harm (moral danger as well as physical danger), as in: “It takes a village to raise a child”. It should not be the responsibility of teachers to teach manners and values but the development of these qualities should be supported by being incorporated into everyday activities and interactions, in and out of school. There should be no need to teach these as specific subjects taking up school teaching time.
Parenting Do’s:
Parents need to provide protection from physical, emotional and moral danger. While parents can provide this protection for a young child, they also need to provide protection in the form of rules and guidance in life skills and a code of moral conduct which is internalised as a ‘moral compass’. Essential is the creation of the ‘safe zone’ enclosed by a clearly defined boundary, rules or limits. In infancy, the safe zone is physical, defined by the care giver’s proximity, with the child being able to see or hear this care giver. As the child becomes more mobile, the safe zone is still physical, maintained by ensuring the house is ‘baby/toddler proof’, swimming pool secure, swimming lessons, how to cross the road safely, not to touch hot or sharp objects and Mum setting clear boundaries. Within this safe zone, the child feels (subconsciously of course) safe to explore and experiment, develop skills, gain confidence, and learn from mistakes which, made in the safe zone will not be too disastrous and painful.
Protection also includes guidance in preparation for life in the adult world. Protection and boundaries are not just physical but also conceptual and moral. Moral guidelines teaching the rules of a code of behaviour are internalised as the individual’s conscience or ‘moral compass’, which, ideally when exercised by all, provides protection not only for self but also for society. Moral guidelines include learning right/wrong, empathy, integrity, responsibility for behaviour, community obligations, respect for people and property, self respect, respect for nature, being kind to animals, ‘pulling their weight’ by doing their share of household chores without having to be bribed. (I have not mentioned ‘honesty’ since in today’s values its meaning has been diminished by using ‘honest’ speech as an excuse to be horrible, insensitive, blunt, hurtful and rude. I prefer the use of ‘integrity’ which embodies honesty with honour). Limits will include setting curfews, insisting on knowing where a child is or plans to go, insisting on the child being contactable and banning attendance at unsuitable functions. Moral protection includes education on ‘stranger danger’, supervising internet use to shield against accessing unsuitable websites (eg, pornography) and social networks being targeted by paedophiles and cyber bullying. ‘Stranger danger’ needs to be taught as applying to social media since kids are embracing strangers as ‘friends’ in a competition of ‘who has the most friends’. Protection of your daughters also means monitoring the clothing they wear. There is a certain irony in being concerned about paedophiles, yet sending daughters out dressed in sexually provocative clothing.
Moral education is the responsibility of parents - not the responsibility of teachers or society – the role of teachers and society is to support these values and incorporate a moral code of conduct in everyday living. Moral education begins in infancy with fundamentals such as: basic manners and courtesy of simple phrases such as ‘please’, ‘thank you’, ‘excuse me’ and to apologise for any behaviour that has harmed or transgressed on the rights of someone else, learning ‘right from wrong’, don’t tell lies, always strive to do the best you can, clear up any mess you make, put your rubbish in the bin, take care of your environment and respect the property of others, accept responsibility towards the welfare of your community, be kind to animals, be respectful, kind and helpful to others, don’t be nasty to others (don’t bully, hit, punch, kick or bite, don’t humiliate, spit at or call others by hurtful names or tell lies about them or spread malicious gossip). Throughout childhood and as the adolescent develops individuation or autonomy from its parents, the boundaries based on moral guidelines become
internalised and the individual develops its own safe zone that it carries around with an understanding of self respect and what constitutes transgression of their personal boundary.
Children need to be taught self discipline and self control (internalised rules and moral values), beginning with teaching 'impulse control' and 'emotional regulation' (in the mother-infant ATTACHMENT relationship). Parents need to resist responding slavishly and instantly to every whim and demand by the child, so allowing the child to learn about ‘delayed gratification’, thereby learning to appreciate what they get and learn patience and how to deal with frustration. Teaching the child to expect ‘instant gratification’ results in the child being ill-equipped to deal with frustration in the real world, as a child and later as an adult.
Protection is also about financial security, so guidance needs to include teaching responsible handling of finances, living within means and not just how to go shopping and spending, awareness of the trap of gambling and the manipulative nature of product advertising. Protection also includes education and guidance in other life skills such as interpersonal interaction, community spirit, negotiating way through adult life that fosters peace and harmony in society. Life skills also includes healthy lifestyle, healthy eating and exercise, avoidance of drugs and consumption alcohol in moderation - teaching to
‘get high on life’. Be a positive role model for coping constructively with the trials and tribulations of life, without having to depend on crutches such as alcohol, cigarettes or drugs. Do not give alcohol to your kids in the misguided belief that you are teaching them to drink ‘responsibly’. Evidence now shows that any consumption of alcohol by kids or adolescents increases the risk of becoming an alcoholic.
Parent need to be positive role models for what they are teaching. Remember that old saying, “Do as I say – don’t do as I do”. Well, learning behaviour, attitudes and values does not work like that. Parents need to be aware that kids will learn more from what their parents actually ‘do’ than from what they tell their kids to
believe and do.
Parenting Don’ts:
The child has placed trust in the parent to provide protection and moral guidance, so when parents fail to fulfil this responsibility, the child may feel let down or even betrayed. If the safe zone has not been clearly delineated and the rules and boundaries are non-existent, the parent can’t say, “No”, but caves in at the slightest pressure, the child/adolescent will be venturing out into a world ill-equipped. Without moral guidelines and as protection, the child/adolescent will be vulnerable
to exploitation. Lacking higher cognitive development, the child/adolescent will be easily led astray and make bad decisions, may engage in unwise experimentation, and be at risk of physical and moral danger. At a conscious level, the child/adolescent may enjoy the freedom and appear confident (bravado) but subconsciously, feel unsafe, lack confidence, and feel unvalued by parents. They feel that the parents regard them as unworthy of bothering to make the effort to protect them and provide moral guidelines and limits. If the parent repeatedly bails the child/adolescent out of trouble, then the child does not learn about responsibility for ‘consequences’. If the parent repeatedly bails an adolescent out of debt and continues to bail out this child as an ‘adult’, then this child will not ‘grow up’ and learn to take responsibility for their own life.
Being afraid to set rules and boundaries, being afraid to implement ‘tough love’, being afraid your kids will not like you if you ‘put your foot down’ and say ’no’ will produce a spoilt brat with low Self Worth. Don’t try to be a friend – you will only make a fool of yourself – your kids will never respect you. What your kids need is for you to be a parent and fulfill your parental responsibilities. Adult clients have said things to me like, “My Dad was my best mate - we always went fishing together” or “Mum was my best friend – I could talk to her about anything”. However, their parents were not trying to be their best friends – they were just being good parents.
If the child has not learnt the difference between right and wrong, not learnt about responsibility and consequences, has no concept of respect, lacks empathy, lacks a conscience and moral compass, then the child may become very
selfish, develop a sense of entitlement, believe they have a right to take (steal) whatever they desire, engage in antisocial behaviour, have a disregard for impact on others, lack a capacity for remorse and have a disregard for the law. They will be hugely unpopular and lack friends. If charming or attractive, they may attract friends initially, but will soon lose them. The only ‘friends’ they will be able to keep are ‘people pleasers’ with low sense of Self Worth who are prepared to put up with disrespectful treatment in order to feel accepted.
When a parent engages in physical abuse (whether excessive discipline, violent rage or drunken thrashings) or sexual abuse, the parent has clearly violated the child’s need to feel safe and has betrayed the child’s trust. Subsequently, there will be low Self Worth plus anger – lots of anger. This anger will be repressed. If one parent fails to protect a child from abuse by the other parent, this may qualify as violation of trust if the non-abusing parent ‘turns a blind eye’ to abuse. Even if the non-abusing parent is unaware of the abuse, if the child believes this parent is ‘turning a blind eye’, the child will feel betrayed – and angry.
'Reverse parenting' also violates the child’s needs to be taken care of and protected. If a parent is incapacitated in some way (eg, chronic illness, physical disability or use of drugs or alcohol) then that parent may be unable to take care of the children. In addition, the eldest child may have to take care of the incapacitated parent (ie, reverse parenting) and if there are
younger children, also be responsible for taking care of them (ie, be a surrogate parent).
Excessive Protection:
Excessive parenting behaviour generally takes the form of overprotection, tight control or domination. The safe zone needs to be allowed to expand and the boundaries loosened in an age-appropriate way as the child develops competency in the
existing zone. If not allowed these opportunities, then those higher cognitive functions will be poorly developed. There is likely to be low Self Worth as the child perceives the parent to believe the child is incapable of taking care of itself.
If the parent has been overprotective, the child may grow up being dependent (on the parent or others) and avoidant (as a coping strategy), since the overprotective parent has always been there to take care everything (minor details and major disasters) for the child. If children are protected from crises and deaths in the family, they may be ill-equipped to deal
with crises outside the protected family environment. If there is a death, children cannot be protected but need to be allowed to grieve and comforted in their grief. An example I have come across among clients is adults with unresolved grief and abandonment issues linked with the death of their mother when they were young. Whether Dad is trying to protect the children or he is having trouble handling his own grief and doesn’t realise the children need to grieve, commonly, his way of dealing with it is to ‘put Mum’s pictures away’ and ‘Mum is never mentioned again’.
If the parent has been over controlling and domineering, the child’s spirit may have been squashed or the child may rebel. There may also be justifiable anger because the parent has failed to allow the child/adolescent to develop independence and the ability to function effectively as an autonomous individual. The child may feel that the parent has violated its
responsibility to prepare the adolescent for self protection. The need of the parent to be over protective or over controlling
may say more about their personality or their childhood stuff than about the child’s safety.
Supporting Evidence on Boundary Setting:
Bronson and Merryman (2009), examining research studies being conducted on adolescent leisure activities (eg, sex, alcohol and drugs), boundary setting and lying to parents, revealed that ‘kids who go wild and get into trouble mostly have parents who don’t set rules or standards’. Permissive parents are afraid that rules will push their teenagers into revolt, but consciously, kids interpret this lack of rules to indicate that their parent don’t actually care and don’t really want the job of being a parent. When parents set rules, but didn’t bother making the effort to enforce them, the teenagers avoided direct rebellious conflict by sneaking around behind their parents’ backs. The parents who set a few rules in key spheres, explained them, expected them to be obeyed and enforced them, were the parents who were most warm and have the most conversations with their kids. In other spheres, these parents supported their child’s autonomy, allowing freedom to make their own decisions. Conflict isn’t all bad. Parents regard arguments with their teens to be stressful and destructive to their relationship but the teens regard them as constructive, strengthening the relationship – if they feel they have been ‘heard’.
The consensus among authors of books on child and adolescent behaviour is that problematic anti-social behaviour is more likely in families where the parents have not set boundaries and there is less emotional closeness.
Patsy Rowe (2009) has written a book “Manners Magic for Children”, in response to the abysmal manners of children due simply to parents not setting any limits and not teaching manners. The results of UK surveys she draws on reveal that a lack of discipline by parents resulted in bad behaviour by their children. Some shied away from reprimanding their children because they wanted an ‘easy life’. Many even admitted that they wished they were more strict because their child was a ‘tearaway’. Parents surveyed didn’t discipline their children for ‘fear of upsetting them’, even though many feared a lack of
boundaries could lead their children to get into trouble. Parents tended to see themselves as a ‘friend’ to their children.
Some publicity has been given to a book "Bringing up Bebe" in which the unruly, rude behaviour of Australian children embarrassing their parents in public is compared unfavourably with the well-mannered respectful behaviour of French children. The author appeared to be puzzled as to why her own children’s behaviour caused her embarrassment and even wondering if French children were born polite. (Is that really a serious question)? Of course, children are not born polite, considerate and respectful or knowing how to behave or born wise and capable of making decisions about exercising unlimited freedom. These psychological and social skills have to be taught and the primary responsibility for this teaching belongs to the parents.
There are two popular television shows which illustrate children’s need for boundaries. “World’s strictest parents” follows the progress of Australian out-of-control adolescents sent to spend time with parents who live by traditional, conservative values. Another show, “Supernanny”, features Nanny Jo Frost focusing on educating parents. What is clear in these programmes is that the out-of-control behaviour by children who were spoilt, undisciplined brats and obnoxious adolescents was a direct result of parents (otherwise caring and well intentioned) not setting boundaries or not being consistent and enforcing boundaries that had been set. Parents had come to the ‘end of their tether’ but their powerlessness was due to them having handed over their authority to their children. Positive changes in behaviour, attitude and emotional wellbeing were achieved with imposition of boundaries, consequences for misdemeanours and setting challenges that provided opportunity for achievement and improved sense of self worth.
Keep your sense of humour:
Parents need to be strong, flexible, resilient, wise, fair, patient, consistent, understanding, forgiving, tolerant, compassionate, mind readers – you can probably think of more qualities to being a reasonably good parent. Wisdom? I am still waiting for that to come. Then again, I tell myself that is the criteria of true wisdom.
An essential quality to add is having a sense of humour –and being able to keep it. Although, there is that old joke that goes something like, “If you can keep your sense of humour – you don’t really understand the situation”. My mother used to say, “You might as well laugh as cry”. Later, when times were tough, I used to say, “As long as I still have my sense of humour, all is not lost”. My childhood having been what I refer to as a ‘hard row to hoe’, I do tend to have a serious disposition so my sense of humour is not always obvious. My daughter used to tell me that I didn’t have a sense of humour at all. Later, as she matured, she informed me that I had developed a sense of humour, but what did really make me laugh was when she added that I had gotten my sense of humour ‘from her”!! Then, when I thought about it, perhaps there was some truth in that, because as she matured, I had become more relaxed around her. I recall an occasion when we were at a local
hospital ER after I had a silly incident with a motorbike. I was hobbling along the corridor to a bathroom, with my dangling jeans half cut off me, leaning on my daughter for support. There we were in the hospital corridor, like a pair of giggling schoolgirls – and it dawned on me that my daughter had never before heard me really laugh. Parenting is a serious, responsible role, but we should never forget that we need to share a laugh with our kids. We need to be responsible role models, but we also need to be role models that teach them to see that life can also be fun and if we can see the humour even in tough situations, ‘all is not lost’.
I have been referring to anger and repressed anger when the ALIAS needs are violated, so for an explanation, continue to the next article, "Anger" and also "Repressed Anger" under "More Info".
References:
Bronson, P. O.,& Merryman, A., “Nurtureshock”, Random House (2009).
Carr-Gregg, M.,“The Princess Bitchface Syndrome”, Penguin Books Australia (2006).
Hamilton, M.,“What’s happening to our boys”? Penguin Books (Australia) (2010).
Hamilton, M.,“What’s happening to our girls”? Penguin Books (Australia) (2008).
Rowe, Patsy,“Magic Manners for Children”, New Holland Publishers Australia (2010).
Wiseman, R.“Queen Bees & Wannabes”, Random House (2002).
Your Self-Understanding as an adult:
If anything on these pages reminds you of your childhood with regard to needs being unmet or violated by your parents (either deliberately or unintentionally) and you feel that this has had a negative impact on your life in some way - the good news is that hypnotherapy can help you to change that.