Essential Principles of Parenting:
Part 3
3. Attention – Important:
I would say that ‘Time is the currency of love’. Just think about it for a moment and you can see the truth in that statement. The words we use to describe time reflect this sense of time being a valued commodity that we allocate to what is
important to us. For example, we refer to time being ‘precious’ and use terms such as ‘saving time’ or ‘spending
time’ or ‘wasting time’ or ‘giving your time’ or being ‘generous with their time’ or ‘not worth your time’. We prefer to ‘spend our time’ in the company of people who are important to us or engaged in activities which are enjoyable or rewarding. We resent having to ‘spend’ our ‘precious’ time on activities that are boring or not pleasurable or ‘wasting’ our time on activities that we can’t see bring any ‘reward’. Now, apply these principles to how you feel about allocating time to different people.
If you like someone, then you enjoy being in their company and you want to ‘spend time’ with them. If you like them a lot, then you want to ‘spend a lot’ of time with them. If you get satisfaction out of working with a particular charity or organisation, then you freely ‘give of your time’. There might be someone whom you may not actually like a lot, but they may be important to you in some way so you willingly spend your time with them because you are receiving ‘value’ for your time, in some way. On the other hand, if there is someone you do not like, then you spend as little time with them as possible and even make up excuses to avoid doing so. Looking from the other side, if someone wants to spend a lot of time with you, then you get the message that they like you. But – if someone important to you seems to always be avoiding you and always seems to have something more important to do than spend their time with you, then you get the message that ‘you are not important to them’. This is not a very pleasant realisation and you might see this as a negative reflection on you. You might
think there is something wrong with you or that this person whom you like thinks ‘you are not worth spending their precious time’. If they do this to you often, then you might get a bit pissed off - or really angry for treating you as if you are ‘unimportant’.
This sense of time being the currency of how we value what is important to us is ‘hard wired’ into our brains. ‘Feeling important’ to parents is one of the developmental emotional needs of kids so, even a young infant has this sense of time, value and importance. So, when you think about how you feel when someone important to you always has something ‘more important’ to do than spend their time with you - just think for a moment, how a baby or toddler feels when the most important person to them (ie, Mum) leaves them with someone else for much of the day while they go to work. What the infant or toddler feels is, “I am not important to Mum. Her job is more important to her than I am”. The subliminal message received is, “Mum does not think I am worth spending her time with me”. This ‘subliminal’ message is internalised as the infant’s own self-belief, “I am unimportant - I am undeserving of Mum’s time – I am unworthy of anyone’s time”. It does not make any difference if the infant or toddler is left in ‘quality’ childcare or substandard childcare or with a nanny or a
grandmother. What counts with the child is that Mum is not the one taking care of them.
Parenting Do’s:
If you want your kids to feel important, then make the time to pay attention to them, listen to what they say with both ears, when looking at their creative efforts, give your full attention. Be involved in their lives, read bed time stories, supervise homework, participate in their favourite activities with them, attend their sporting matches (at least the important ones), take them to training. Don’t let them be the ones who are ‘always transported by someone else’s parent’. When parent volunteers are required for your child’s school or club activities, do your share. If you want your kids to feel important, then spend time with them – the act of simply spending time with them is probably more important that what you actually do in the time. Nevertheless, whenever possible, make it fun, play games, laugh, joke – show them that you are not simply carrying out parental duties, but you actually enjoy being with them. Of course, life is not all about games and 'together time' can also be used to engage in constructive activities, giving your chid the opportunity to learn qualities such as responsibility, duty, work ethic, self discipline, being organised, effort, perseverance, dealing with mistakes, satisfaction in achievement, satisfaction in a job well done. It is important that they learn that achievement and a job well done have their own inherent reward in satisfaction – help immunise your kids against the allure of drugs. (Check out the “Validation Hypothesis” in “MORE INFO”). If Dad is building a tree house – make it a joint effort.
In addition, boys need the involvement of their fathers engaging in adventurous and challenging activities to learn how to express their masculine energy in positive, healthy ways. Without this guidance, they may be more likely to engage in idiotic, risky behaviour.
Parenting Don’ts:
Not doing the 'do's' mentioned will result in your child feeling some degree of low Self Worth. The implicit message received is, “I am unimportant to my parents - they regard me as unworthy of their time, attention and effort” which is internalised as, “I am unworthy of anyone’s time”. Just telling them that they are important is not enough – ‘actions speak louder than words’ so if the actions do not support or back up what you say, then the words will be meaningless. Pre-schoolers placed fully or substantially in someone else’s care (eg, grandmother, aunt, nanny, child care) feel that Mum’s job is more important to her and the child feels unimportant –> low Self Worth.
Without involvement and guidance from Dad (or some other significant father figure) so boys learn to express their adventurous spirit and masculine energy positively, they may copy undesirable role models and be vulnerable to peer pressure. He will be more likely to engage in idiotic, risky behaviour that may qualify him for a ‘Darwin Award for his contribution to humanity by removing himself from the gene pool’.
The need to feel important is violated by refusal or broken promises to do things that are important to the child, broken promises to attend significant events associated with the child’s activities, broken promises to take the family on an outing (eg beach) or holiday trip. Particularly if accompanied by dismissive statements such as,“I have more important things to do
with my time than play kids’ games”. Infants/toddlers needs are violated when placed fully or substantially in someone else’s care (eg, grandmother, aunt, nanny, child care) feel that Mum’s job is more important to her and the child feels unimportant and angry (repressed).
Excessive Attention:
Over-involvement may hamper a child’s development in ability to plan, carry out and complete activities, function independently and undermine confidence and sense of competence, eg,“Mum/Dad think I can’t do anything myself”. The child may become helpless and dependent (on parents, family, friends, partners, or anyone else handy) or resent the over-involved parent (as being interfering and controlling) and eventually rebel. Excessive attention may result in the child feeling a lack of privacy in the home and intrusion into privacy with friends.
I would say that ‘Time is the currency of love’. Just think about it for a moment and you can see the truth in that statement. The words we use to describe time reflect this sense of time being a valued commodity that we allocate to what is
important to us. For example, we refer to time being ‘precious’ and use terms such as ‘saving time’ or ‘spending
time’ or ‘wasting time’ or ‘giving your time’ or being ‘generous with their time’ or ‘not worth your time’. We prefer to ‘spend our time’ in the company of people who are important to us or engaged in activities which are enjoyable or rewarding. We resent having to ‘spend’ our ‘precious’ time on activities that are boring or not pleasurable or ‘wasting’ our time on activities that we can’t see bring any ‘reward’. Now, apply these principles to how you feel about allocating time to different people.
If you like someone, then you enjoy being in their company and you want to ‘spend time’ with them. If you like them a lot, then you want to ‘spend a lot’ of time with them. If you get satisfaction out of working with a particular charity or organisation, then you freely ‘give of your time’. There might be someone whom you may not actually like a lot, but they may be important to you in some way so you willingly spend your time with them because you are receiving ‘value’ for your time, in some way. On the other hand, if there is someone you do not like, then you spend as little time with them as possible and even make up excuses to avoid doing so. Looking from the other side, if someone wants to spend a lot of time with you, then you get the message that they like you. But – if someone important to you seems to always be avoiding you and always seems to have something more important to do than spend their time with you, then you get the message that ‘you are not important to them’. This is not a very pleasant realisation and you might see this as a negative reflection on you. You might
think there is something wrong with you or that this person whom you like thinks ‘you are not worth spending their precious time’. If they do this to you often, then you might get a bit pissed off - or really angry for treating you as if you are ‘unimportant’.
This sense of time being the currency of how we value what is important to us is ‘hard wired’ into our brains. ‘Feeling important’ to parents is one of the developmental emotional needs of kids so, even a young infant has this sense of time, value and importance. So, when you think about how you feel when someone important to you always has something ‘more important’ to do than spend their time with you - just think for a moment, how a baby or toddler feels when the most important person to them (ie, Mum) leaves them with someone else for much of the day while they go to work. What the infant or toddler feels is, “I am not important to Mum. Her job is more important to her than I am”. The subliminal message received is, “Mum does not think I am worth spending her time with me”. This ‘subliminal’ message is internalised as the infant’s own self-belief, “I am unimportant - I am undeserving of Mum’s time – I am unworthy of anyone’s time”. It does not make any difference if the infant or toddler is left in ‘quality’ childcare or substandard childcare or with a nanny or a
grandmother. What counts with the child is that Mum is not the one taking care of them.
Parenting Do’s:
If you want your kids to feel important, then make the time to pay attention to them, listen to what they say with both ears, when looking at their creative efforts, give your full attention. Be involved in their lives, read bed time stories, supervise homework, participate in their favourite activities with them, attend their sporting matches (at least the important ones), take them to training. Don’t let them be the ones who are ‘always transported by someone else’s parent’. When parent volunteers are required for your child’s school or club activities, do your share. If you want your kids to feel important, then spend time with them – the act of simply spending time with them is probably more important that what you actually do in the time. Nevertheless, whenever possible, make it fun, play games, laugh, joke – show them that you are not simply carrying out parental duties, but you actually enjoy being with them. Of course, life is not all about games and 'together time' can also be used to engage in constructive activities, giving your chid the opportunity to learn qualities such as responsibility, duty, work ethic, self discipline, being organised, effort, perseverance, dealing with mistakes, satisfaction in achievement, satisfaction in a job well done. It is important that they learn that achievement and a job well done have their own inherent reward in satisfaction – help immunise your kids against the allure of drugs. (Check out the “Validation Hypothesis” in “MORE INFO”). If Dad is building a tree house – make it a joint effort.
In addition, boys need the involvement of their fathers engaging in adventurous and challenging activities to learn how to express their masculine energy in positive, healthy ways. Without this guidance, they may be more likely to engage in idiotic, risky behaviour.
Parenting Don’ts:
Not doing the 'do's' mentioned will result in your child feeling some degree of low Self Worth. The implicit message received is, “I am unimportant to my parents - they regard me as unworthy of their time, attention and effort” which is internalised as, “I am unworthy of anyone’s time”. Just telling them that they are important is not enough – ‘actions speak louder than words’ so if the actions do not support or back up what you say, then the words will be meaningless. Pre-schoolers placed fully or substantially in someone else’s care (eg, grandmother, aunt, nanny, child care) feel that Mum’s job is more important to her and the child feels unimportant –> low Self Worth.
Without involvement and guidance from Dad (or some other significant father figure) so boys learn to express their adventurous spirit and masculine energy positively, they may copy undesirable role models and be vulnerable to peer pressure. He will be more likely to engage in idiotic, risky behaviour that may qualify him for a ‘Darwin Award for his contribution to humanity by removing himself from the gene pool’.
The need to feel important is violated by refusal or broken promises to do things that are important to the child, broken promises to attend significant events associated with the child’s activities, broken promises to take the family on an outing (eg beach) or holiday trip. Particularly if accompanied by dismissive statements such as,“I have more important things to do
with my time than play kids’ games”. Infants/toddlers needs are violated when placed fully or substantially in someone else’s care (eg, grandmother, aunt, nanny, child care) feel that Mum’s job is more important to her and the child feels unimportant and angry (repressed).
Excessive Attention:
Over-involvement may hamper a child’s development in ability to plan, carry out and complete activities, function independently and undermine confidence and sense of competence, eg,“Mum/Dad think I can’t do anything myself”. The child may become helpless and dependent (on parents, family, friends, partners, or anyone else handy) or resent the over-involved parent (as being interfering and controlling) and eventually rebel. Excessive attention may result in the child feeling a lack of privacy in the home and intrusion into privacy with friends.