Not Good Enough
“That’s not good enough – you can do better than that - put some effort into it”! As a child, how often was that said to you by a parent or teacher? Perhaps it was true. Perhaps you could do better - and with application and extra effort, you
did do better! The point that really matters here is whether the extra effort and improvement in result were acknowledged with a, “That’s much better– that’s more like it – I knew you were capable of doing better”. People need to feel valued for what they do. Children need to be acknowledged for their achievements and for their efforts (whether successful or not). Sadly, this does not always happen, but instead, well-intentioned parents focus on what doesn’t measure up to their
expectations. While these parents may think they are encouraging the child to improve performance, the message that comes across to the child is more likely harsh criticism and condemnation that they – not just their performance - are
‘not good enough’.
The feeling of being ‘not good enough’ is generally the result of a child making efforts to achieve parental approval but this approval is not forth coming. The parent ignores the achievement and the effort, focusing only on criticising flaws and what is ‘not good enough’ and ‘needs improvement'. A typical example is a daughter bringing home her school report card with all ‘As’ except for one ‘C’ in some minor subject. However, there is no acknowledgement of the ‘As’. Mum focuses on the ‘C’ with obvious disapproval and criticism. “That’s not good enough”. “You can do better than that”. “You are not putting enough effort into your work”. “I expect better from you”. The daughter, wanting Mum’s approval, increases her efforts to 105% so for the next report, she receives ‘As’ (as before) and this time a ‘C+’ for the minor subject. Mum’s reaction is the same. “That’s not good enough”. “You can do better than that”. “You are not working hard enough”. Not only does Mum still fail to acknowledge the ‘As’, but she also fails to acknowledge the extra effort the daughter has made and the improvement in the minor subject. The daughter puts in 110%, so for the next report card, the ‘As’ remain the same and for the minor subject she receives a ‘B-‘. Same response from Mum. The daughter, still wanting acknowledgement from Mum, puts in 120% effort and in the next report she achieves a ‘B’ for the ‘minor’ subject. Still no acknowledgement from Mum for the achievement of the ‘As’ or the effort and continued improvement in the minor subject.
The message burned into the daughter’s subconscious mind is, “That is not good enough”, “You can do better than that”, “You are not working hard enough”. In her subconscious mind is the voice of her ‘critical mother’ repeating these
messages. In addition, is the implication, also burned into her subconscious mind, that what Mum really means is,
“You are not good enough”.This is internalized as, “I am not good enough. My efforts are unworthy of acknowledgement and I am unworthy of acknowledgement”. There will generally also be anger (repressed) towards the parent for withholding
acknowledgement that the child has worked so hard to gain. There will be anger for violating her need for acknowledgement by handing out only criticism, repeatedly, in response to repeated effort. The relevant Child Ego State will encapsulate feelings of low Self Worth and anger. (Suggest: Read "Anger" under "Self Esteem Parenting" and “Repressed Anger” under "More Info").
Such a person will be a conscientious worker, loved by employers, putting at least 120% effort into everything they do. They may be high achievers and be very successful in life but they can never acknowledge their own achievement or successes because always there is this voice from Mum in their subconscious mind saying, “That is not good enough”, “You can do better than that”. Such an individual finds it very difficult to accept acknowledgement from others. When given praise, they are likely to reject it, since they subconsciously believe that what they did was ‘not good enough’ and they are unworthy
of praise. They are also likely to criticise their own work, pointing out flaws, showing how their work actually is ‘not good enough’ and is ‘not worthy of praise’. (We cannot assume that all successful people are driven by need for parental approval that was withheld as a child).
The Perfectionist
Often, such a person is labelled as a ‘perfectionist’. However, I regard this label as a misnomer, a label applied from observation only, without any consultation as to what is going on inside the perfectionist's head. My experience is that people who fit this description are not trying to be perfect - they are being driven by a belief that what they have done is 'not good enough’. Hence, what they are doing is ‘trying to be good enough' – to gain parental acknowledgement. The so-called ‘perfectionist’ is unlikely to protest and reject the label since it is probably preferable to be perceived as being a perfectionist
rather than people know what they believe to be the ‘truth’ – that they are not good enough, not putting in enough effort and should be doing better.
There are downsides to being a ‘perfectionist’. It can be difficult to actually complete a job because it is considered ‘not good enough’ by the perfectionist who keeps trying to improve the finished product. This may even result in discouraging the person from even starting a project since they know it is ‘not going to be good enough anyway’ no matter how much effort they put into it. So why bother.
The child who felt ‘not good enough’ may not get to achieve ‘perfectionist’ status if the parent was particularly harsh in criticism so that the child may feel discouraged from making any effort at all. If the parent made crushing comments such as, “You are hopeless/useless”, “You can never do anything right”, “You’re a dimwit”, but never said, “You can do better than that”, then the individual may believe themselves to be completely incapable of ‘ever being good enough’ to gain parental approval. So, what is the point of trying.
Depression and Panic Disorder
Another downside to being a ‘perfectionist’ is increased risk of depression, since the perfectionist is always striving in pursuit of an unachievable goal, setting themselves up for failure or perceived failure and disappointment. I have also observed this characteristic of ‘perfectionism’ in clients with Panic Disorder.
My observation is that individuals with Panic Disorder identify strongly with two competing beliefs, represented by one or two separate Child Ego States: (i) They see themselves as being a ‘strong person’, (a self-validating belief) and (ii) they
believe they are ‘not good enough’ (an invalidating belief, internalised from perception of their value by a parent). Being a ‘strong person’ may originate as a child having to take on adult responsibility or deal with difficult life events or circumstances, so as an adult, this is a core self-validating part of their identity. The belief in ‘not being good enough’ may originate
from a critical parent or critics from some other significant authoritative source such as a cult-like or hell-fire-and-brimstone religion which emphasizes to child members that they are sinners, not good enough, unworthy of God’s love, unworthy of going to heaven.
Then, one day, something terrible happens that is completely outside their control and they feel they were not strong enough to prevent the event or deal with the outcome very well. They may not have even been present so couldn’t have done anything to prevent the ‘terrible event’. Regardless, this event hits at their self-validating belief as a ‘strong person’, undermining their sense of self. In addition, what this does is confirm the competing belief that they are ‘not good enough’. Thereafter, they live in anxiety, fearing future events that will further undermine their sense of being a ‘strong person’ and further confirm their belief in ‘not being good enough’. This is a scary prospect because if their self-validation as being a ‘strong person’ is destroyed completely, all they are left with is identifying with the invalidating belief of being ‘not good enough’. If they believe in the stigmatising misconception that depression is a sign of weakness, then the loss of the self-validating belief in being a strong person may leave them vulnerable to depression.
Alternatively, there is another potential Panic Disorder-Depression pathway. For someone whose identity is tied up in their belief of being a ‘strong person’ – and they believe that only weak people can become depressed - the precipitation of an episode of depression can be the ‘terrible event’ that triggers the first panic attack. For a vulnerable individual who holds the two competing beliefs, Panic Disorder can come first and may (or may not) lead to depression, or depression can come first and may (or may not) lead to Panic Disorder. Any treatment for Panic Disorder (and depression linked with Panic
Disorder) needs to address the issues associated with the two competing beliefs.
Comment
The two competing beliefs encapsulated in Child Ego States need to be identified and addressed with a reality check. Parents need to bear in mind the destructiveness of so-called‘constructive criticism’ as a means of motivating improved performance.
did do better! The point that really matters here is whether the extra effort and improvement in result were acknowledged with a, “That’s much better– that’s more like it – I knew you were capable of doing better”. People need to feel valued for what they do. Children need to be acknowledged for their achievements and for their efforts (whether successful or not). Sadly, this does not always happen, but instead, well-intentioned parents focus on what doesn’t measure up to their
expectations. While these parents may think they are encouraging the child to improve performance, the message that comes across to the child is more likely harsh criticism and condemnation that they – not just their performance - are
‘not good enough’.
The feeling of being ‘not good enough’ is generally the result of a child making efforts to achieve parental approval but this approval is not forth coming. The parent ignores the achievement and the effort, focusing only on criticising flaws and what is ‘not good enough’ and ‘needs improvement'. A typical example is a daughter bringing home her school report card with all ‘As’ except for one ‘C’ in some minor subject. However, there is no acknowledgement of the ‘As’. Mum focuses on the ‘C’ with obvious disapproval and criticism. “That’s not good enough”. “You can do better than that”. “You are not putting enough effort into your work”. “I expect better from you”. The daughter, wanting Mum’s approval, increases her efforts to 105% so for the next report, she receives ‘As’ (as before) and this time a ‘C+’ for the minor subject. Mum’s reaction is the same. “That’s not good enough”. “You can do better than that”. “You are not working hard enough”. Not only does Mum still fail to acknowledge the ‘As’, but she also fails to acknowledge the extra effort the daughter has made and the improvement in the minor subject. The daughter puts in 110%, so for the next report card, the ‘As’ remain the same and for the minor subject she receives a ‘B-‘. Same response from Mum. The daughter, still wanting acknowledgement from Mum, puts in 120% effort and in the next report she achieves a ‘B’ for the ‘minor’ subject. Still no acknowledgement from Mum for the achievement of the ‘As’ or the effort and continued improvement in the minor subject.
The message burned into the daughter’s subconscious mind is, “That is not good enough”, “You can do better than that”, “You are not working hard enough”. In her subconscious mind is the voice of her ‘critical mother’ repeating these
messages. In addition, is the implication, also burned into her subconscious mind, that what Mum really means is,
“You are not good enough”.This is internalized as, “I am not good enough. My efforts are unworthy of acknowledgement and I am unworthy of acknowledgement”. There will generally also be anger (repressed) towards the parent for withholding
acknowledgement that the child has worked so hard to gain. There will be anger for violating her need for acknowledgement by handing out only criticism, repeatedly, in response to repeated effort. The relevant Child Ego State will encapsulate feelings of low Self Worth and anger. (Suggest: Read "Anger" under "Self Esteem Parenting" and “Repressed Anger” under "More Info").
Such a person will be a conscientious worker, loved by employers, putting at least 120% effort into everything they do. They may be high achievers and be very successful in life but they can never acknowledge their own achievement or successes because always there is this voice from Mum in their subconscious mind saying, “That is not good enough”, “You can do better than that”. Such an individual finds it very difficult to accept acknowledgement from others. When given praise, they are likely to reject it, since they subconsciously believe that what they did was ‘not good enough’ and they are unworthy
of praise. They are also likely to criticise their own work, pointing out flaws, showing how their work actually is ‘not good enough’ and is ‘not worthy of praise’. (We cannot assume that all successful people are driven by need for parental approval that was withheld as a child).
The Perfectionist
Often, such a person is labelled as a ‘perfectionist’. However, I regard this label as a misnomer, a label applied from observation only, without any consultation as to what is going on inside the perfectionist's head. My experience is that people who fit this description are not trying to be perfect - they are being driven by a belief that what they have done is 'not good enough’. Hence, what they are doing is ‘trying to be good enough' – to gain parental acknowledgement. The so-called ‘perfectionist’ is unlikely to protest and reject the label since it is probably preferable to be perceived as being a perfectionist
rather than people know what they believe to be the ‘truth’ – that they are not good enough, not putting in enough effort and should be doing better.
There are downsides to being a ‘perfectionist’. It can be difficult to actually complete a job because it is considered ‘not good enough’ by the perfectionist who keeps trying to improve the finished product. This may even result in discouraging the person from even starting a project since they know it is ‘not going to be good enough anyway’ no matter how much effort they put into it. So why bother.
The child who felt ‘not good enough’ may not get to achieve ‘perfectionist’ status if the parent was particularly harsh in criticism so that the child may feel discouraged from making any effort at all. If the parent made crushing comments such as, “You are hopeless/useless”, “You can never do anything right”, “You’re a dimwit”, but never said, “You can do better than that”, then the individual may believe themselves to be completely incapable of ‘ever being good enough’ to gain parental approval. So, what is the point of trying.
Depression and Panic Disorder
Another downside to being a ‘perfectionist’ is increased risk of depression, since the perfectionist is always striving in pursuit of an unachievable goal, setting themselves up for failure or perceived failure and disappointment. I have also observed this characteristic of ‘perfectionism’ in clients with Panic Disorder.
My observation is that individuals with Panic Disorder identify strongly with two competing beliefs, represented by one or two separate Child Ego States: (i) They see themselves as being a ‘strong person’, (a self-validating belief) and (ii) they
believe they are ‘not good enough’ (an invalidating belief, internalised from perception of their value by a parent). Being a ‘strong person’ may originate as a child having to take on adult responsibility or deal with difficult life events or circumstances, so as an adult, this is a core self-validating part of their identity. The belief in ‘not being good enough’ may originate
from a critical parent or critics from some other significant authoritative source such as a cult-like or hell-fire-and-brimstone religion which emphasizes to child members that they are sinners, not good enough, unworthy of God’s love, unworthy of going to heaven.
Then, one day, something terrible happens that is completely outside their control and they feel they were not strong enough to prevent the event or deal with the outcome very well. They may not have even been present so couldn’t have done anything to prevent the ‘terrible event’. Regardless, this event hits at their self-validating belief as a ‘strong person’, undermining their sense of self. In addition, what this does is confirm the competing belief that they are ‘not good enough’. Thereafter, they live in anxiety, fearing future events that will further undermine their sense of being a ‘strong person’ and further confirm their belief in ‘not being good enough’. This is a scary prospect because if their self-validation as being a ‘strong person’ is destroyed completely, all they are left with is identifying with the invalidating belief of being ‘not good enough’. If they believe in the stigmatising misconception that depression is a sign of weakness, then the loss of the self-validating belief in being a strong person may leave them vulnerable to depression.
Alternatively, there is another potential Panic Disorder-Depression pathway. For someone whose identity is tied up in their belief of being a ‘strong person’ – and they believe that only weak people can become depressed - the precipitation of an episode of depression can be the ‘terrible event’ that triggers the first panic attack. For a vulnerable individual who holds the two competing beliefs, Panic Disorder can come first and may (or may not) lead to depression, or depression can come first and may (or may not) lead to Panic Disorder. Any treatment for Panic Disorder (and depression linked with Panic
Disorder) needs to address the issues associated with the two competing beliefs.
Comment
The two competing beliefs encapsulated in Child Ego States need to be identified and addressed with a reality check. Parents need to bear in mind the destructiveness of so-called‘constructive criticism’ as a means of motivating improved performance.