Large Families
Magazines promote myths about large families (in Western society), painting an idealised picture of family love. The reality is different. Whenever I read a magazine article about a very large family (of about a dozen or even up to twenty) with the mother gushing that she 'loves being pregnant', or 'loves babies', and asserts 'we have plenty of love to go round', and both parents claim they ‘want to have more’, I cringe. When I was young, my parents had a friend who was the second daughter in a family of eleven. I remember her commenting that she and her older sister were glad when their mother stopped having kids. Her mother was always pregnant or taking care of a baby while she and her sister had to take care of the other siblings and all the washing, ironing, cleaning and cooking. Her comment shaped my view of large families, and since then, from clients I have treated, that view has been supported and reinforced.
A child’s feelings of being loved, and their sense of value and worthiness to be loved has nothing to do with how the parents feel. The child’s feelings are based purely on the child’s subjective experience of how they are treated by their parents.
In a bygone era without contraceptives, women didn't have much choice – either they kept having babies until menopause (if they hadn’t already died in childbirth or from childbed fever) or they moved into a separate bed and turned a blind eye to their husbands going elsewhere to meet his sexual needs. If a woman was strictly adhering to Roman Catholic faith, she believed she had a duty to procreate. There are power-hungry religions that seek world domination by increasing their numbers through unrestricted breeding. In cultures where there is no social welfare and a high
death rate of children, parents have a large number of children to ensure there is someone to look after them in their old age. Otherwise, why would any sane woman (in Western society) choose to have 'whatever babies God gave her' in a world that is already overpopulated? With the world population reaching seven billion in 2011, there is no fear that the human species will become extinct. There is no need to ‘go forth and multiply’ and ‘populate or perish’. Continued exponential increase is disastrous for the planet being destroyed by pollution and depletion of its resources. Therefore, any sense of entitlement by parents to engage in unrestrained breeding is irresponsible - to their own children, the planet and hence society as a whole.
Most women derive some degree of pleasure from being pregnant, but they don't want to stay there and they look forward to the pregnancy coming to an end. Most delight in the period when the baby is the focus of their life, and while they may look at their cute smiling baby and wistfully comment that it would be nice if the baby could stay like that, they don't really want to be changing nappies forever. They look forward to the natural progression, delighting in each milestone in their
child's development. Then, when they have finished having the family, they look forward to some quality 'me time' to catch up on their own interests that have been sacrificed while they put their family first.
Why is it that mothers who ‘love being pregnant’ and ‘having babies’ want to remain in those phases, so much
so that to remain there, they have to keep repeating the process? It is common for young children to want a cute cuddly puppy, but puppies don't stay cute and cuddle. When the puppy grows big, often the child loses interest, ignores the animal and may even want another young puppy. So what do these mothers do when the baby is no longer cute and cuddly? Replace it with another one. And what happens to the one that is no longer cute and cuddly? It is handed over to the older daughter(s) to take care of.
If I sound harsh in my attitude to women who choose to have large families, blithely stating they have 'plenty of love to go around', it is because I see them as selfishly wrapped up in indulging their own needs, while they ignore the needs of their children (and expecting taxpayers to help pay for their choices). While they might feel they have plenty of love to go round – that is not what the children experience. Sheer logistics of a large family mean that parents spread themselves pretty thin and with only 24 hours in a day, meeting ALIAS needs of each child is simply not achievable. This pathological need to keep having babies is a reflection of some unmet need of the mother as a child. How many children does she have to have in order to satisfy her unmet need? If her need has not been met by the time she has a dozen, it is unlikely to be met by having any more. In one example of a family of about twenty, the father proudly claimed that, ‘God had given them a gift’. God has given that same gift to rabbits, cockroaches, rats, blow flies and mosquitoes!
In large families, the scenario of a baby being born while the previous one is under two may occur more than once. The older siblings in large families may experience a ‘double whammy’ of being displaced before two years old plus being a ‘surrogate mother’ to younger siblings. Initially, being 'Mummy's little helper' is rewarding as a means to gaining Mum's approval, but the novelty wears off after a few babies and so too, the feeling of approval may cease if Mum takes for
granted the help of her elder daughters.
Daughters who felt validated in the role of 'surrogate mother' taking care of younger siblings plus the home
while Mum took care of the baby, generally grow up to become wonderful nurturing mothers. They are self-sacrificing, always putting themselves last. Taking care of others is their sole source of validation. Conversely, I have met women who were apparently not validated for their role as ‘surrogate mother’. They were resentful of their mother and were so sick of spending their childhood and adolescence ‘taking care of kids and housework’ that they chose not to have children of their own. In acknowledgement that they had unmet needs that they deserved to have met, they have chosen to do what they want with their life. They were expected to sacrifice their childhood needs and they are not prepared to sacrifice their adult life.
A child’s feelings of being loved, and their sense of value and worthiness to be loved has nothing to do with how the parents feel. The child’s feelings are based purely on the child’s subjective experience of how they are treated by their parents.
In a bygone era without contraceptives, women didn't have much choice – either they kept having babies until menopause (if they hadn’t already died in childbirth or from childbed fever) or they moved into a separate bed and turned a blind eye to their husbands going elsewhere to meet his sexual needs. If a woman was strictly adhering to Roman Catholic faith, she believed she had a duty to procreate. There are power-hungry religions that seek world domination by increasing their numbers through unrestricted breeding. In cultures where there is no social welfare and a high
death rate of children, parents have a large number of children to ensure there is someone to look after them in their old age. Otherwise, why would any sane woman (in Western society) choose to have 'whatever babies God gave her' in a world that is already overpopulated? With the world population reaching seven billion in 2011, there is no fear that the human species will become extinct. There is no need to ‘go forth and multiply’ and ‘populate or perish’. Continued exponential increase is disastrous for the planet being destroyed by pollution and depletion of its resources. Therefore, any sense of entitlement by parents to engage in unrestrained breeding is irresponsible - to their own children, the planet and hence society as a whole.
Most women derive some degree of pleasure from being pregnant, but they don't want to stay there and they look forward to the pregnancy coming to an end. Most delight in the period when the baby is the focus of their life, and while they may look at their cute smiling baby and wistfully comment that it would be nice if the baby could stay like that, they don't really want to be changing nappies forever. They look forward to the natural progression, delighting in each milestone in their
child's development. Then, when they have finished having the family, they look forward to some quality 'me time' to catch up on their own interests that have been sacrificed while they put their family first.
Why is it that mothers who ‘love being pregnant’ and ‘having babies’ want to remain in those phases, so much
so that to remain there, they have to keep repeating the process? It is common for young children to want a cute cuddly puppy, but puppies don't stay cute and cuddle. When the puppy grows big, often the child loses interest, ignores the animal and may even want another young puppy. So what do these mothers do when the baby is no longer cute and cuddly? Replace it with another one. And what happens to the one that is no longer cute and cuddly? It is handed over to the older daughter(s) to take care of.
If I sound harsh in my attitude to women who choose to have large families, blithely stating they have 'plenty of love to go around', it is because I see them as selfishly wrapped up in indulging their own needs, while they ignore the needs of their children (and expecting taxpayers to help pay for their choices). While they might feel they have plenty of love to go round – that is not what the children experience. Sheer logistics of a large family mean that parents spread themselves pretty thin and with only 24 hours in a day, meeting ALIAS needs of each child is simply not achievable. This pathological need to keep having babies is a reflection of some unmet need of the mother as a child. How many children does she have to have in order to satisfy her unmet need? If her need has not been met by the time she has a dozen, it is unlikely to be met by having any more. In one example of a family of about twenty, the father proudly claimed that, ‘God had given them a gift’. God has given that same gift to rabbits, cockroaches, rats, blow flies and mosquitoes!
In large families, the scenario of a baby being born while the previous one is under two may occur more than once. The older siblings in large families may experience a ‘double whammy’ of being displaced before two years old plus being a ‘surrogate mother’ to younger siblings. Initially, being 'Mummy's little helper' is rewarding as a means to gaining Mum's approval, but the novelty wears off after a few babies and so too, the feeling of approval may cease if Mum takes for
granted the help of her elder daughters.
Daughters who felt validated in the role of 'surrogate mother' taking care of younger siblings plus the home
while Mum took care of the baby, generally grow up to become wonderful nurturing mothers. They are self-sacrificing, always putting themselves last. Taking care of others is their sole source of validation. Conversely, I have met women who were apparently not validated for their role as ‘surrogate mother’. They were resentful of their mother and were so sick of spending their childhood and adolescence ‘taking care of kids and housework’ that they chose not to have children of their own. In acknowledgement that they had unmet needs that they deserved to have met, they have chosen to do what they want with their life. They were expected to sacrifice their childhood needs and they are not prepared to sacrifice their adult life.