Child in a Parental Role
The Child Ego State here represents a child who assumes adult responsibility by taking care of siblings (Surrogate Parent) or taking care of a parent (Reverse Parenting). The effect on emotional needs and the long term consequences are
similar for both - often, the two roles go together. If a parent needs to be taken care of, then the parent is unlikely to be capable of taking care of the children. Hence, the child who takes care of this parent usually has to take care of younger siblings as well.
Man of the house
This his example of the eldest son becoming a ‘surrogate parent’ generally occurs in situations such as the father deserting the family and is virtually never heard of again or the father dies. At the father’s funeral, the eldest son is told what ’role’ is
expected of him. Well-intentioned family members and friends will offer condolences to the mother and then, turning to the eldest son (even if he is quite young), make comments to him such as: “You are the man of the house, now”, or ”You are the man in the family, now “, or “You have to take care of your mother and sisters, now “. If the father’s death came after
a long illness, the father may have even instructed his son beforehand, sealing the expectations by eliciting a promise from the son that he would ‘take care of his mother and the younger children’.
The son’s instructions can’t be any more explicit than that. Expectations of him have been clearly spelled out -
he has to stop being a child and become an adult – the implication being that this is the only role in which he will be valued or achieve validation. This ‘role’ and his belief in expectations that have been placed on him is confirmed and reinforced when his mother expresses her gratitude for his efforts. She may call him her ‘little man’ (if he is a young child) or her ‘rock’ if he is older. Significant adult family members and friends of his father may tell him, “Your mother says she doesn’t know how she would manage without you – your father would be proud of you”. His ‘life script’ or ‘role’ is programmed deeply for life – even when his siblings become adults.
If he has younger siblings, he takes his responsibility seriously, even for half-siblings born subsequently. The younger siblings may look up to him as their ‘big brother’, but resent his authority over them. In exercising the role he has been given, he is copying the authoritative behaviour which he has observed but because he lacks maturity and understanding of actually being an adult and a parent, he is unable to exercise judgment in how to carry out his role so his siblings may regard him as
‘bossy’. In becoming a ‘parent’, he relinquishes his childhood and his child needs which are likely to be overlooked by Mum who has so much else to think about and juggle. Mum, grateful for his support, may tend to treat him like a man and forget he is still a child (or adolescent) with child emotional needs. The occasional grateful hugs she gives him feel conditional since any affection she gives is generally accompanied by an expression of gratitude for his help. He does not feel valued unconditionally, for the child that he really is, but only for the parent role he has adopted.
As an adult, the Child-as-Parent Ego State is still strongly influencing attitudes and behaviour, so that the adult’s feelings of responsibility may be a bit unrealistic and unreasonable. For example, a sister or girlfriend may be assaulted under circumstances that were completely outside his control. He was not there, had no reason to be there, he may even have been in another state. However, he feels responsible, berates himself for not being there to protect her and is wracked with guilt and remorse. He feels he has ‘failed’ to fulfil the promise he made and has failed to live up to his own expectations of fulfilling
the role in which he feels validated. This can be a severe blow to his sense of identity as a strong protector.
Another ongoing unreasonable situation commonly exists, particularly if he made the deathbed promise to his father. Even though the siblings are adults who aught to be taking responsibility for their own lives, they are so used to big brother taking care of all their problems that they expect him to ‘drop everything and come running’. The Child-as-Parent Ego State, locked in a time warp, doesn’t realize they have grown up, and still feeling this is his only source of validation, he responds to their calls for help. This generally becomes frustrating and annoying for his wife. Initially, his attitude and closeness to his family may have impressed her as a desirable quality that endeared him to her. However, she soon comes to feel that his siblings appear to be his first priority – ahead of her - and their demands are generally unreasonable and frequent. His responsibility to his family becomes ‘less endearing’. He never says ‘no’ but simply ‘puts down whatever he is doing’ and
races to help. His mother always calls on him, too. It never occurs to her to call on her other children to help. She may regard them as not being as reliable – with big brother always to rely on, they may not have had to learn to be reliable.
If the son eventually presents for therapy as a middle-aged adult (sent by his ‘fed up’ wife), his Child-as-Parent Ego State will admit that his responsibilities have been a heavy burden. This child ego state is quite happy to relinquish that burden when it is made clear to him that his siblings are now grown up and capable of taking care of themselves and that his father no longer expects him to be responsible for them. By continuously rescuing them, he is in fact hampering their development of independence and accepting responsibility for their own lives. Using an ego state model in therapy, his parents (represented by ego states) can give him permission to relinquish that role. The adult client may even comment that he feels like a burden has been lifted from his shoulders. That does not mean that the adult is absolved from all responsibility – just the ones that are not really his.
If the father has died or deserted the family, the son (as well as his siblings) may also have ‘abandonment issues’ which can make it difficult to feel emotionally secure and trust partners in adult relationships. He may also feel anger (repressed) towards his father for ‘abandoning’ the family, requiring him to relinquish his child needs and ‘become an adult’, taking on the burden of adult responsibilities. If the father died, the adult son may also experience feelings of guilt and shame for feeling this anger.
It may appear irrational to feel abandoned by a parent who has died, but children are not rational, they are reactive,
they just feel. It may appear irrational for the adult to still have this feeling of being abandoned but it is not really the adult who feels this – the feelings are coming from the Child Ego State representing the child at the time of being abandoned.
Surrogate mother
The oldest daughter may take on substantial care for siblings when both parents work long hours. Alternatively, she may take on the major responsibility for siblings because the mother is chronically ill or disabled or is incapacitated by alcohol or illicit drug use. If the parent is an alcoholic, the eldest child may have the humiliating task of dragging the drunk parent away from the pub. If the parent is a junkie, one of the responsibilities of the eldest child is clearing up used syringes from the floor, to protect the younger children and the baby who crawls on the floor. If the parent is single, this increases the burden of responsibility for the child.
As part of their normal development, children need to be given age-appropriate responsibilities and it is common for parents to occasionally appoint an older child to be responsible for siblings. This only becomes a problem if the extent of the responsibility is such that the child believes it is the role expected of her and she is therefore expected to relinquish her own childhood and child emotional needs. The parents may be constantly tired from working long hours so her child needs
are likely to be overlooked, unmet. If she feels that her efforts are appreciated by her parents and she does not feel unconditional acceptance or acknowledgement for herself in any other way, then she may believe that behaving like a responsible adult is the only way to gain parental approval. Subconsciously, she may feel that the parents do not value her as a child and do not believe she is worthy of having her child needs met. She rejects her child nature as unworthy of having its needs met. Behaving like an adult by taking on adult responsibility is the only way she feels validated. If the busy parents neglect to occasionally express their gratitude, she may feel some degree of anger (repressed) since she has been making
such an effort to be who she believes they want her to be. She learns to take pride in her sense of responsibility and being ‘strong’, particularly when her parents express their appreciation, thereby reinforcing the role she has accepted. There may still be some anger (repressed) that she was not valued unconditionally as a child but valued only conditionally (if she behaved like a responsible adult).
What she subconsciously learns is that her needs are not important - her siblings’ needs are more important. As an adult, that translates into, “Everyone else’s needs are more important, my needs don’t matter”.
She is likely to make a most devoted, selfless wife and mother, always putting others first and her needs last. Correction!
She doesn’t actually put her own needs last, because as an adult, she doesn’t even acknowledge that she even has any needs. Subconsciously, she believes she isn’t worthy of having her needs met, having relinquished the needs as a child and also relinquished the rights to expect them to be met.
As a child, her source of validation was ‘taking care of others’ and she continues that role as an adult, in the expectation
that it will still be her source of validation. The problem is that her husband and children generally do not provide the validation she needs for her role of ‘taking care of others’. Eventually, she feels like an ‘unpaid maid’, a ‘slave’, unappreciated’, ‘taken for granted’ and resentment starts to build up. In addition to her husband and children, she may still feel responsible for taking care of her younger siblings - and they continue to respond to her need to take care of others by dumping all their problems on her. They also take her for granted. With the lack of validation, the woman starts to ask herself: “What about me?” “What about what I need?” “Who cares what I need?” She may feel resentful and unhappy but her family dismiss her grumpiness as ‘that time of the month’ or ‘menopausal mood swings’. She may seek therapy to resolve her feelings and address lack of assertiveness. Or, she may try to ignore the situation in hopes that it would resolve itself, as if by magic. What that really means is that she hopes that the family will have a moment of enlightenment and realise that they need to
show her some appreciation and make her feel special occasionally - without her having to make a stand and risk upsetting someone and ‘not be liked’.
It is now time for her to listen to the Child Ego State representing the needs she relinquished. It is time to evaluate her life. It is time to acknowledge that she does have needs and she does deserve to have those needs met. It is time to start being kind to herself and let others start taking responsibility for taking care of themselves.
Actually, it isn’t the fault of the husband or the children – or her siblings. She has created the situation for herself. Her subconscious belief that she ‘doesn’t matter’ is self defeating – even maladaptive. As an adult, whenever someone has shown her some consideration, or offered her assistance or a gift, she has felt uncomfortable and generally dismissed or rejected their offer, in that erroneous subconscious belief that she is undeserving. Eventually, people stop offering.
Reverse parenting
There are an alarming number of families (generally single-parent families) in Australia where a child is the ‘carer’ for the parent. This parent may be chronically ill, disabled or non-functioning due to alcohol or drug abuse. Media acknowledgement
praising them for their roles completely misses the important issue of the negative long term impact on these children. In this
role reversal, they sacrifice their childhood and are deprived of their child emotional needs being met. These children juggle school work and caring for the parent so have very little time for activities of their own choice and enjoyment.
Any appreciation expressed by the parent will reinforce devotion to the role as their source of validation. If validation also comes from others (including media acknowledgement) heaping praise on the child for taking care of a sick or invalid parent, this will reinforce the belief that their approval is conditional on taking care of the parent and relinquishing childhood. For the child taking care of an alcoholic or drug-using parent, there is likely little praise or appreciation. The child may feel shame for the parent so the ‘care taking’ is a family secret and rather than receive appreciation from the parent, is more likely to cop abuse. If there is no appreciation, no validation, why does the child accept the role? There is always the hope of receiving validation. There is generally a subconscious hope that life will change for the better – an expectation that the
parent will recover and resume the parental role and the child can resume being a child, being taken care of by the parent. For the child, the 'attachment' to a parent, regardless of its quality, takes a lot to break. Just like a dog kicked around by its owner will remain loyal, so too, a child will remain loyal to their 'attachment' figure through ‘thick and thin’.
The child of the alcoholic or drug-addicted parent may feel anger (repressed) towards the parent. This is for violating
the conditions of the innate 'attachment' contract to care for the child and instead, has reversed the roles, forcing the child to sacrifice their needs. If the parent is sick or an invalid, the child may also feel anger (repressed) for the roles being reversed, but in addition, the child may feel guilt and shame for feeling angry. This may result in being even more devoted to their caring role. This is as retribution because they feel they deserve to be punished for such bad thoughts towards a parent who can’t help being incapacitated and not able to take care of the child.
As adults, their source of validation remains in taking care of others who can’t take care of themselves. They may be
subconsciously attracted to relationships with partners who are ‘emotionally damaged’, ‘need fixing’ or ‘need taking care of’. They may gravitate towards ‘caring professions’. That is fine if they do receive the validation they need, but not so satisfactory if appreciation is not forthcoming. Those who did not receive validation for their efforts as a child may be less likely to continue a ‘carer’ role as adults.
Double whammy
The two roles of ‘surrogate parent’ and ‘reverse parenting’ often go together. If Mum is not able to take care of herself, she is probably also unable to look after any of her children, so the older child gets to do both. The emotional deprivation, sacrifice and burdens of the ‘surrogate parent’ are added to the emotional deprivation, sacrifices and burdens of being the ‘carer’ of the parent. This individual as an adult may be completely selfless, completely lacking in a sense of self since for much of their life they have been rejecting any needs of their own in their role of service to others.
Relinquishing childhood mistaken for ‘maturity’
Children learning to take on age-appropriate responsibility (balanced with their CAARP-ALIAS needs being met) is a positive part of maturation, independence, character development and learning to take responsibility as an adult. However, a child taking on adult responsibilities such as taking on a substantial burden of parental responsibilities caring for children or a parent, does not contribute positively to healthy psychological development or maturation.
The child who takes on adult responsibilities is often regarded as ‘very mature for their age’ (likewise for a child who has lived a very hard life and considers that they ‘had to grow up quick’). This is a misconception! The child has relinquished child needs and child-like behaviour. Their child needs are not being met and the child may even believe that the parent feels they are not worthy of having these needs met. There may be some degree of emotional deprivation and feeling that parental approval is conditional on relinquishing child behaviour, sacrificing their child needs and behaving like an adult. ‘Missing
out’ or being deprived of a childhood and having child needs unmet does not equate to ‘maturity’. Because the child always behaves in a responsible way, unrealistic expectations are placed on them to actually be capable of mature adult decision making. However, there is no short cut to maturation of the human brain and parents may feel disappointed when their ‘responsible’ child makes childish mistakes. This parental disappointment may have a severe impact on the child’s sense of self worth. They have not only relinquished childhood as required and taken on adult responsibilities to achieve validation, but have failed in the adult role that they believed would bring validation.
Comment
Relinquished, unmet child needs do not simply go away and validation for taking on adult responsibilities does not compensate for unmet child needs. There is no shortcut to go from being a child to becoming an adult. Relinquishing childhood needs prematurely and taking on adult responsibilities does not make a child into an adult. The human brain does not mature
physiologically until the mid-twenties and a hard life, adult responsibilities and emotional deprivation do not speed up that process.
similar for both - often, the two roles go together. If a parent needs to be taken care of, then the parent is unlikely to be capable of taking care of the children. Hence, the child who takes care of this parent usually has to take care of younger siblings as well.
Man of the house
This his example of the eldest son becoming a ‘surrogate parent’ generally occurs in situations such as the father deserting the family and is virtually never heard of again or the father dies. At the father’s funeral, the eldest son is told what ’role’ is
expected of him. Well-intentioned family members and friends will offer condolences to the mother and then, turning to the eldest son (even if he is quite young), make comments to him such as: “You are the man of the house, now”, or ”You are the man in the family, now “, or “You have to take care of your mother and sisters, now “. If the father’s death came after
a long illness, the father may have even instructed his son beforehand, sealing the expectations by eliciting a promise from the son that he would ‘take care of his mother and the younger children’.
The son’s instructions can’t be any more explicit than that. Expectations of him have been clearly spelled out -
he has to stop being a child and become an adult – the implication being that this is the only role in which he will be valued or achieve validation. This ‘role’ and his belief in expectations that have been placed on him is confirmed and reinforced when his mother expresses her gratitude for his efforts. She may call him her ‘little man’ (if he is a young child) or her ‘rock’ if he is older. Significant adult family members and friends of his father may tell him, “Your mother says she doesn’t know how she would manage without you – your father would be proud of you”. His ‘life script’ or ‘role’ is programmed deeply for life – even when his siblings become adults.
If he has younger siblings, he takes his responsibility seriously, even for half-siblings born subsequently. The younger siblings may look up to him as their ‘big brother’, but resent his authority over them. In exercising the role he has been given, he is copying the authoritative behaviour which he has observed but because he lacks maturity and understanding of actually being an adult and a parent, he is unable to exercise judgment in how to carry out his role so his siblings may regard him as
‘bossy’. In becoming a ‘parent’, he relinquishes his childhood and his child needs which are likely to be overlooked by Mum who has so much else to think about and juggle. Mum, grateful for his support, may tend to treat him like a man and forget he is still a child (or adolescent) with child emotional needs. The occasional grateful hugs she gives him feel conditional since any affection she gives is generally accompanied by an expression of gratitude for his help. He does not feel valued unconditionally, for the child that he really is, but only for the parent role he has adopted.
As an adult, the Child-as-Parent Ego State is still strongly influencing attitudes and behaviour, so that the adult’s feelings of responsibility may be a bit unrealistic and unreasonable. For example, a sister or girlfriend may be assaulted under circumstances that were completely outside his control. He was not there, had no reason to be there, he may even have been in another state. However, he feels responsible, berates himself for not being there to protect her and is wracked with guilt and remorse. He feels he has ‘failed’ to fulfil the promise he made and has failed to live up to his own expectations of fulfilling
the role in which he feels validated. This can be a severe blow to his sense of identity as a strong protector.
Another ongoing unreasonable situation commonly exists, particularly if he made the deathbed promise to his father. Even though the siblings are adults who aught to be taking responsibility for their own lives, they are so used to big brother taking care of all their problems that they expect him to ‘drop everything and come running’. The Child-as-Parent Ego State, locked in a time warp, doesn’t realize they have grown up, and still feeling this is his only source of validation, he responds to their calls for help. This generally becomes frustrating and annoying for his wife. Initially, his attitude and closeness to his family may have impressed her as a desirable quality that endeared him to her. However, she soon comes to feel that his siblings appear to be his first priority – ahead of her - and their demands are generally unreasonable and frequent. His responsibility to his family becomes ‘less endearing’. He never says ‘no’ but simply ‘puts down whatever he is doing’ and
races to help. His mother always calls on him, too. It never occurs to her to call on her other children to help. She may regard them as not being as reliable – with big brother always to rely on, they may not have had to learn to be reliable.
If the son eventually presents for therapy as a middle-aged adult (sent by his ‘fed up’ wife), his Child-as-Parent Ego State will admit that his responsibilities have been a heavy burden. This child ego state is quite happy to relinquish that burden when it is made clear to him that his siblings are now grown up and capable of taking care of themselves and that his father no longer expects him to be responsible for them. By continuously rescuing them, he is in fact hampering their development of independence and accepting responsibility for their own lives. Using an ego state model in therapy, his parents (represented by ego states) can give him permission to relinquish that role. The adult client may even comment that he feels like a burden has been lifted from his shoulders. That does not mean that the adult is absolved from all responsibility – just the ones that are not really his.
If the father has died or deserted the family, the son (as well as his siblings) may also have ‘abandonment issues’ which can make it difficult to feel emotionally secure and trust partners in adult relationships. He may also feel anger (repressed) towards his father for ‘abandoning’ the family, requiring him to relinquish his child needs and ‘become an adult’, taking on the burden of adult responsibilities. If the father died, the adult son may also experience feelings of guilt and shame for feeling this anger.
It may appear irrational to feel abandoned by a parent who has died, but children are not rational, they are reactive,
they just feel. It may appear irrational for the adult to still have this feeling of being abandoned but it is not really the adult who feels this – the feelings are coming from the Child Ego State representing the child at the time of being abandoned.
Surrogate mother
The oldest daughter may take on substantial care for siblings when both parents work long hours. Alternatively, she may take on the major responsibility for siblings because the mother is chronically ill or disabled or is incapacitated by alcohol or illicit drug use. If the parent is an alcoholic, the eldest child may have the humiliating task of dragging the drunk parent away from the pub. If the parent is a junkie, one of the responsibilities of the eldest child is clearing up used syringes from the floor, to protect the younger children and the baby who crawls on the floor. If the parent is single, this increases the burden of responsibility for the child.
As part of their normal development, children need to be given age-appropriate responsibilities and it is common for parents to occasionally appoint an older child to be responsible for siblings. This only becomes a problem if the extent of the responsibility is such that the child believes it is the role expected of her and she is therefore expected to relinquish her own childhood and child emotional needs. The parents may be constantly tired from working long hours so her child needs
are likely to be overlooked, unmet. If she feels that her efforts are appreciated by her parents and she does not feel unconditional acceptance or acknowledgement for herself in any other way, then she may believe that behaving like a responsible adult is the only way to gain parental approval. Subconsciously, she may feel that the parents do not value her as a child and do not believe she is worthy of having her child needs met. She rejects her child nature as unworthy of having its needs met. Behaving like an adult by taking on adult responsibility is the only way she feels validated. If the busy parents neglect to occasionally express their gratitude, she may feel some degree of anger (repressed) since she has been making
such an effort to be who she believes they want her to be. She learns to take pride in her sense of responsibility and being ‘strong’, particularly when her parents express their appreciation, thereby reinforcing the role she has accepted. There may still be some anger (repressed) that she was not valued unconditionally as a child but valued only conditionally (if she behaved like a responsible adult).
What she subconsciously learns is that her needs are not important - her siblings’ needs are more important. As an adult, that translates into, “Everyone else’s needs are more important, my needs don’t matter”.
She is likely to make a most devoted, selfless wife and mother, always putting others first and her needs last. Correction!
She doesn’t actually put her own needs last, because as an adult, she doesn’t even acknowledge that she even has any needs. Subconsciously, she believes she isn’t worthy of having her needs met, having relinquished the needs as a child and also relinquished the rights to expect them to be met.
As a child, her source of validation was ‘taking care of others’ and she continues that role as an adult, in the expectation
that it will still be her source of validation. The problem is that her husband and children generally do not provide the validation she needs for her role of ‘taking care of others’. Eventually, she feels like an ‘unpaid maid’, a ‘slave’, unappreciated’, ‘taken for granted’ and resentment starts to build up. In addition to her husband and children, she may still feel responsible for taking care of her younger siblings - and they continue to respond to her need to take care of others by dumping all their problems on her. They also take her for granted. With the lack of validation, the woman starts to ask herself: “What about me?” “What about what I need?” “Who cares what I need?” She may feel resentful and unhappy but her family dismiss her grumpiness as ‘that time of the month’ or ‘menopausal mood swings’. She may seek therapy to resolve her feelings and address lack of assertiveness. Or, she may try to ignore the situation in hopes that it would resolve itself, as if by magic. What that really means is that she hopes that the family will have a moment of enlightenment and realise that they need to
show her some appreciation and make her feel special occasionally - without her having to make a stand and risk upsetting someone and ‘not be liked’.
It is now time for her to listen to the Child Ego State representing the needs she relinquished. It is time to evaluate her life. It is time to acknowledge that she does have needs and she does deserve to have those needs met. It is time to start being kind to herself and let others start taking responsibility for taking care of themselves.
Actually, it isn’t the fault of the husband or the children – or her siblings. She has created the situation for herself. Her subconscious belief that she ‘doesn’t matter’ is self defeating – even maladaptive. As an adult, whenever someone has shown her some consideration, or offered her assistance or a gift, she has felt uncomfortable and generally dismissed or rejected their offer, in that erroneous subconscious belief that she is undeserving. Eventually, people stop offering.
Reverse parenting
There are an alarming number of families (generally single-parent families) in Australia where a child is the ‘carer’ for the parent. This parent may be chronically ill, disabled or non-functioning due to alcohol or drug abuse. Media acknowledgement
praising them for their roles completely misses the important issue of the negative long term impact on these children. In this
role reversal, they sacrifice their childhood and are deprived of their child emotional needs being met. These children juggle school work and caring for the parent so have very little time for activities of their own choice and enjoyment.
Any appreciation expressed by the parent will reinforce devotion to the role as their source of validation. If validation also comes from others (including media acknowledgement) heaping praise on the child for taking care of a sick or invalid parent, this will reinforce the belief that their approval is conditional on taking care of the parent and relinquishing childhood. For the child taking care of an alcoholic or drug-using parent, there is likely little praise or appreciation. The child may feel shame for the parent so the ‘care taking’ is a family secret and rather than receive appreciation from the parent, is more likely to cop abuse. If there is no appreciation, no validation, why does the child accept the role? There is always the hope of receiving validation. There is generally a subconscious hope that life will change for the better – an expectation that the
parent will recover and resume the parental role and the child can resume being a child, being taken care of by the parent. For the child, the 'attachment' to a parent, regardless of its quality, takes a lot to break. Just like a dog kicked around by its owner will remain loyal, so too, a child will remain loyal to their 'attachment' figure through ‘thick and thin’.
The child of the alcoholic or drug-addicted parent may feel anger (repressed) towards the parent. This is for violating
the conditions of the innate 'attachment' contract to care for the child and instead, has reversed the roles, forcing the child to sacrifice their needs. If the parent is sick or an invalid, the child may also feel anger (repressed) for the roles being reversed, but in addition, the child may feel guilt and shame for feeling angry. This may result in being even more devoted to their caring role. This is as retribution because they feel they deserve to be punished for such bad thoughts towards a parent who can’t help being incapacitated and not able to take care of the child.
As adults, their source of validation remains in taking care of others who can’t take care of themselves. They may be
subconsciously attracted to relationships with partners who are ‘emotionally damaged’, ‘need fixing’ or ‘need taking care of’. They may gravitate towards ‘caring professions’. That is fine if they do receive the validation they need, but not so satisfactory if appreciation is not forthcoming. Those who did not receive validation for their efforts as a child may be less likely to continue a ‘carer’ role as adults.
Double whammy
The two roles of ‘surrogate parent’ and ‘reverse parenting’ often go together. If Mum is not able to take care of herself, she is probably also unable to look after any of her children, so the older child gets to do both. The emotional deprivation, sacrifice and burdens of the ‘surrogate parent’ are added to the emotional deprivation, sacrifices and burdens of being the ‘carer’ of the parent. This individual as an adult may be completely selfless, completely lacking in a sense of self since for much of their life they have been rejecting any needs of their own in their role of service to others.
Relinquishing childhood mistaken for ‘maturity’
Children learning to take on age-appropriate responsibility (balanced with their CAARP-ALIAS needs being met) is a positive part of maturation, independence, character development and learning to take responsibility as an adult. However, a child taking on adult responsibilities such as taking on a substantial burden of parental responsibilities caring for children or a parent, does not contribute positively to healthy psychological development or maturation.
The child who takes on adult responsibilities is often regarded as ‘very mature for their age’ (likewise for a child who has lived a very hard life and considers that they ‘had to grow up quick’). This is a misconception! The child has relinquished child needs and child-like behaviour. Their child needs are not being met and the child may even believe that the parent feels they are not worthy of having these needs met. There may be some degree of emotional deprivation and feeling that parental approval is conditional on relinquishing child behaviour, sacrificing their child needs and behaving like an adult. ‘Missing
out’ or being deprived of a childhood and having child needs unmet does not equate to ‘maturity’. Because the child always behaves in a responsible way, unrealistic expectations are placed on them to actually be capable of mature adult decision making. However, there is no short cut to maturation of the human brain and parents may feel disappointed when their ‘responsible’ child makes childish mistakes. This parental disappointment may have a severe impact on the child’s sense of self worth. They have not only relinquished childhood as required and taken on adult responsibilities to achieve validation, but have failed in the adult role that they believed would bring validation.
Comment
Relinquished, unmet child needs do not simply go away and validation for taking on adult responsibilities does not compensate for unmet child needs. There is no shortcut to go from being a child to becoming an adult. Relinquishing childhood needs prematurely and taking on adult responsibilities does not make a child into an adult. The human brain does not mature
physiologically until the mid-twenties and a hard life, adult responsibilities and emotional deprivation do not speed up that process.