Not Acceptable for Who you Are
Being unconditionally accepted as they are, for who they are, is one of the CAARP-ALIAS needs of children in developing a
healthy sense of Self Worth. Often, children feel unaccepted because they subconsciously feel that ‘who they are’ is unacceptable to a parent. They subconsciously feel that their acceptance is conditional on them being someone else that the
parent would prefer them to be. Since children need to be acceptable to parents in order to be taken care of and need the parents’ approval in order to build a healthy sense of Self Worth, adaptive mode kicks in and the children will generally try
to be who the parent wants them to be - or who they think the parent wants them to be.
There are many examples around us in life. The son who studies law in order to please his father, but he would prefer to be doing something else. A common one is a son who is artistic or academically talented and not very good at sport, but his father has always been active in sport and would like his son to be the same. The father may likely feel disappointed and unless he can put aside his disappointment and be supportive of his son’s talents and choices, the son is always going to feel unacceptable, with low Self Worth. If he makes an attempt to gain acceptance by taking up sport, he is unlikely to be happy doing it or to be good at it and consequently, he may feel even worse, that he is truly unacceptable and truly unworthy
of acceptance. If he has a brother who is good at sport so that Dad appears to favour him and they spend a lot of time together in sport-related activities and can converse easily, then the non-sporty son will feel even less acceptable.
He may have Mum’s support in what he is doing and her acknowledgement of his achievements, but this doesn’t make up for not feeling valued by Dad. A gay son may fear rejection by his father so hides his sexuality in order to feel accepted. There was a time when a gay son would have been rejected by the family.
Another common one is the father who wants a son and he gets a daughter instead. Some fathers remain disappointed and fail to hide it. Generally, most adjust and love their daughter just as much as if she had been a boy. Maybe even more. However, even if he has adjusted, there is always going to be a family member to remind the daughter of how her father wanted a son. This sensitive soul will regularly recount events of her birth with great hilarity, describing how Dad ‘was so-o-o-o disappointed when the doctor came out and announced, “You have a daughter” Ha! Ha! Ha!’ If the daughter picks up on the message that Dad wanted a son, then she may feel unacceptable as a girl and she tries to be what he wants in order to feel acceptable and accepted. She may reject all things feminine such as dressing in boy’s clothes and become tomboyish in her play. This may be amusing to family members, but it is a particularly important issue as it in the father-daughter relationship that a woman learns to value herself as a woman and how she deserves to be treated by men in adult relationships. If these women later on end up in therapy to resolve emotional issues, they will generally voluntarily comment,“I was meant to be a boy”.
Peter Sellers is an example that illustrates the consequences of not having unconditional acceptance. His story is provided in "Part 4" under “Self Esteem Parenting”.
Comment
Most of us make some sort of adjustment to ourselves, our appearance or our behaviour, presenting our best image to the world, in order to feel acceptable and accepted. With family and close friends we generally feel acceptable as we are
and allow ourselves to ‘just be ourselves’. However, often, we 'wear masks' to hide our true feelings, we 'wear armour' to protect our feelings and 'play roles' of who we think we need to be in order to be accepted in particular company. For the most part, some degree of this behaviour is normal and is simply adjusting to different company – even socially appropriate, just part of creating a harmonious society. However, if we feel that who we are is so unacceptable and Self Worth is so low that the masks, armour and roles are worn to such an extent that we are constantly denying our true self in order to feel
accepted, then emotional wellbeing is going to suffer.
healthy sense of Self Worth. Often, children feel unaccepted because they subconsciously feel that ‘who they are’ is unacceptable to a parent. They subconsciously feel that their acceptance is conditional on them being someone else that the
parent would prefer them to be. Since children need to be acceptable to parents in order to be taken care of and need the parents’ approval in order to build a healthy sense of Self Worth, adaptive mode kicks in and the children will generally try
to be who the parent wants them to be - or who they think the parent wants them to be.
There are many examples around us in life. The son who studies law in order to please his father, but he would prefer to be doing something else. A common one is a son who is artistic or academically talented and not very good at sport, but his father has always been active in sport and would like his son to be the same. The father may likely feel disappointed and unless he can put aside his disappointment and be supportive of his son’s talents and choices, the son is always going to feel unacceptable, with low Self Worth. If he makes an attempt to gain acceptance by taking up sport, he is unlikely to be happy doing it or to be good at it and consequently, he may feel even worse, that he is truly unacceptable and truly unworthy
of acceptance. If he has a brother who is good at sport so that Dad appears to favour him and they spend a lot of time together in sport-related activities and can converse easily, then the non-sporty son will feel even less acceptable.
He may have Mum’s support in what he is doing and her acknowledgement of his achievements, but this doesn’t make up for not feeling valued by Dad. A gay son may fear rejection by his father so hides his sexuality in order to feel accepted. There was a time when a gay son would have been rejected by the family.
Another common one is the father who wants a son and he gets a daughter instead. Some fathers remain disappointed and fail to hide it. Generally, most adjust and love their daughter just as much as if she had been a boy. Maybe even more. However, even if he has adjusted, there is always going to be a family member to remind the daughter of how her father wanted a son. This sensitive soul will regularly recount events of her birth with great hilarity, describing how Dad ‘was so-o-o-o disappointed when the doctor came out and announced, “You have a daughter” Ha! Ha! Ha!’ If the daughter picks up on the message that Dad wanted a son, then she may feel unacceptable as a girl and she tries to be what he wants in order to feel acceptable and accepted. She may reject all things feminine such as dressing in boy’s clothes and become tomboyish in her play. This may be amusing to family members, but it is a particularly important issue as it in the father-daughter relationship that a woman learns to value herself as a woman and how she deserves to be treated by men in adult relationships. If these women later on end up in therapy to resolve emotional issues, they will generally voluntarily comment,“I was meant to be a boy”.
Peter Sellers is an example that illustrates the consequences of not having unconditional acceptance. His story is provided in "Part 4" under “Self Esteem Parenting”.
Comment
Most of us make some sort of adjustment to ourselves, our appearance or our behaviour, presenting our best image to the world, in order to feel acceptable and accepted. With family and close friends we generally feel acceptable as we are
and allow ourselves to ‘just be ourselves’. However, often, we 'wear masks' to hide our true feelings, we 'wear armour' to protect our feelings and 'play roles' of who we think we need to be in order to be accepted in particular company. For the most part, some degree of this behaviour is normal and is simply adjusting to different company – even socially appropriate, just part of creating a harmonious society. However, if we feel that who we are is so unacceptable and Self Worth is so low that the masks, armour and roles are worn to such an extent that we are constantly denying our true self in order to feel
accepted, then emotional wellbeing is going to suffer.