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Wouldn't you like to know the secret to building your child’s
Self Esteem and Wellbeing?
Isabella Parker now shares this secret with you!!!
The contents of this website are applicable as a Parenting guide and also to aid adults to achieve Self-Understanding of how their childhood has shaped how they have become the person they are now - and where their dysfunctional stuff came from so they have a clearer understanding of what needs to be addressed to achieve more optimal functioning.
Read on -------
Like most parents, you are probably busy juggling your responsibilities, trying to achieve that ‘work-life’ balance that we are told we should aim for. You probably don’t manage to get much ‘me time’ and as a parent, you are ‘doing the best you can’, but sometimes you may ask yourself if you are ‘getting it right’. We see and read so much negative stuff about the behaviour of kids and adolescents, discipline problems in schools, promiscuity, anti-social behaviour, bullying, aggression, juvenile crime, arson, home invasions and drunken violence. We read statistics on the incidence of drug and alcohol use, young age of sexually active kids, sexually transmitted infections, teen pregnancies and mental illness. Now, you know that as much as you would like to, you cannot wrap your kids in cotton wool to protect them. But as a responsible minded, caring parent, you may ask yourself if you are doing enough to protect them from becoming one of those statistics and to help prepare them for coping with any negative influences they may encounter in life. But, it isn’t about doing enough – it’s about doing what matters.
What does really matter?
The focus in child raising has been mainly on academic development, preparing young kids for school, getting good grades to get into university and getting a good job or career. Balance has been sought through extracurricular activities such as sport, dancing and music. The importance of emotional development has been overlooked. There has been a sort of assumption that emotional development is something that happens automatically and takes care of itself – but it isn’t relevant to anything important, anyway. However, there is a growing awareness now that emotional development plays a key role in every aspect of our lives – not just in relationships and our personal lives – but even academic achievement and career success. Professionals working in mental health and juvenile justice have long been aware of the outcome for kids when emotional development has been overlooked or neglected. Psychologists and educators are now aware of the negative impact that overlooking the emotional development has, resulting in poor Self Esteem and Wellbeing which affect school performance and behaviour. So, what does really matter then, is emotional development that builds a healthy Self Esteem and Emotional Wellbeing.
Surely how to build your child’s Self Esteem is no ‘secret’?
Most parents do what they think is in the best interests of their children, doing ‘the best they know how’. Yet, many kids have poor Self Esteem and Emotional Wellbeing. So, if well-intentioned parents are not getting it right, then it must be because they ‘do not know how’ - after all, “Babies don’t come with a manual”. It would seem that parents do not know what really matters. If they did know, then they would surerly do what is required to teach kids self esteem. Hence, effective parenting strategies that will develop Self Esteem and Wellbeing must be a secret!!!!
I wish I had known about this and how to go about achieving it when I was raising my kids. They assure me that I didn’t do a bad job and after all, they are all good people, are gainfully employed and have never been into drugs, crime or anti-social behaviour. To quote that New Age pop psychology mantra, “I did the best I knew how”, but, I know now that I could have done better, if I had known how.
How would you know if you are ‘getting it right’ or not?
Unless your kids are obviously depressed, shutting themselves away in their room or their school work is suffering or you are called into the school principal’s office or your child runs away from home or is engaged in ‘cutting behaviour’ or the police catch them committing crimes, how do you know if they are emotionally ‘ok’? It isn’t like they are going to tell you. Kids are not good at being in touch with their feelings or communicating how they feel. Ok, they have no problem communicating, “I’m bored’ or “I hate you” if you say ‘no’ to an unreasonable demand. Otherwise, how do you really know what goes on inside their heads? Even if they could verbalise how they really feel and what they believe about you and themselves - they are not going to tell you. Childhood is where we learn to ‘put on a mask’ to hide our feelings, put on ‘armour’ to protect our feelings and ‘adopt roles’ of who we think we need to be in order to gain parental approval and avoid disapproval. This behaviour is aimed to conceal true feelings and thoughts, that if expressed, might meet with parental disapproval. It is called ‘adaptive behaviour’. If you were to actually ask your kids, you would probably just get a noncommittal, ambiguous, uninformative “I’m ok” sort of non-response. Another reason they can’t tell you is that the relevant stuff is in their subconscious mind, so they can’t actually access it, anyway.
What is this ‘secret’ information that I am offering?
The secret I have uncovered is how kids develop healthy emotional foundations of Self Worth and subconscious self beliefs that will stand them in good stead throughout their lifetime. The secret I have uncovered is the emotional developmental needs of kids that are required to build a healthy sense of Self Esteem and Wellbeing. The secret I am revealing is positive parenting styles that will achieve this - what I refer to as the ‘"ssential Principles of Parenting".
How did I uncover this parenting secret?
As a Clinical Hypnotherapist & Psychologist, I have found that for most of my clients, regardless of their ‘presenting problem’, we need to address childhood stuff. This ‘stuff’ may be directly related to the current problem or it may be responsible for ‘vulnerability’ that underlies the current problem. Now, this in itself is no surprise as it is common knowledge that there is often a link between childhood stuff and later emotional problems or dysfunctional patterns of thinking and behaviour. Being stuck in repetitive patterns such as dysfunctional relationships can make your life seem like ‘Ground Hog Day’ and you might ask yourself, “Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep making the same mistakes”? Well, what is not commonly known is the ‘why’ and ‘how’ of the link between childhood stuff locked in your subconscious mind and the later emotional and behavioural problems as an adolescent or adult. Yet, this is useful information to know if you are into self improvement and want to address this ‘stuff’ - such as unresolved emotions that cause you to have irrational reactions or dysfunctional beliefs that underlie subconscious motivations (that influence decisions which do not always turn out to be in your best interests). However, just having awareness about this stuff in your conscious mind may not be sufficient to change it. But --- the good news is that because of the plasticity of the brain, this stuff in your subconscious mind can be cleared and new neural pathways developed. Negative subconscious beliefs and dysfunctional patterns of behaviour have been learned in childhood – and what has been learned, is amenable to change and being replaced with more positive beliefs and functional patterns.
Back to the subject of childhood stuff.
This is not necessarily about having a horrible, abusive or violent childhood. It is mostly about having an ordinary sort of childhood, with parents who care about their kids and did what they thought was best. To quote the New Age pop psychology mantra, “They did the best they knew how”. Unfortunately, they didn’t really know how. They learnt from their parents (who had learnt from their parents, and they learnt from their parents) so any inadequate or dysfunctional parenting was perpetuated, from one generation to the next. (In addition, during the past forty years-or-so, parenting has been influenced by social engineers pursuing libertarian agendas rather than what is actually in the best interests of kids. This is discussed in “Parents Misled” under "More Info"). Even if you vowed to do things differently when you became a parent, chances are you will just make a different mistake. Ironically, you can end up making the same mistake as your parents, but it happens in a different guise so you don’t realise that you are making it. This does not mean that you are doomed to repeat your own parents’ mistakes. What it does mean is that you need to be aware of how both the explicit and implicit messages of your parents’ behaviour affected you and understand how to do it differently. Information that can help you to 'do it differently' and build the foundations for healthy Self Esteem and Wellbeing for your child is in the "Self Esteem Parenting” page. This parenting information is applicable for you as a parent raising your own kids and is also useful in understanding how you came to be the way you are -what your subconscious motivations are and any self-defeating patterns of thinking. Since ideal parenting is very, very rare, most of us have some 'stuff'.
This is not a witch hunt looking to blame parents and absolve their adult offspring from responsibility for their current life situation. The ultimate goal of any therapy is self empowerment. The first step in achieving that is to accept responsibility for a problem and then accept responsibility to find solutions and make positive changes. People who want to remain stuck in ‘playing the victim’ and blaming others will not achieve self empowerment. Blaming others is giving away your power. The reality is that people do bad things to each other - and history cannot be changed. What we are stuck with is the subjective experience (feelings, beliefs and attitudes) that cause distress and impact on our lives – and it is this stuff that is problematic NOW, not the past events themselves - which is good news, because due to the plasticity of the brain, the stuff in the subjective experience can be changed. Resolution can be achieved. Some stuff can be resolved merely by achieving conscious awareness of its existence and understanding how it is causing current problems. Reading self help books and meditation practices can also assist in resolution but some issues require professional help. There are various forms of psychological therapy that can be used and any of these will be successful to the degree that it can access the subconscious mind, either directly or indirectly, and make changes there. Utilising the services of a therapist is accepting responsibility for making changes. This is still an act of self help and achieving self empowerment, since a successful outcome will depend on the client accepting responsibility by being a psychologically active participant in the therapy.
Back to the question of how I uncovered this information.
There is a lot of ‘how to’ parenting advice on specific child behaviours and problem situations, but apart from John Bowlby’s ‘Attachment Theory’, there is no complete model on emotional needs of infants and children. The information I am providing is a comprehensive, cohesive model of child emotional developmental needs for building a sound foundation for Self Esteem and Wellbeing - and how parents can meet these needs.
You are probably familiar with the concept of the ‘inner child’, usually referring to a ‘free child’ who needs to play or a ‘wounded child’ who needs to heal. However, we actually have more than one of these ‘child ego states’. They may be positive or negative and represent different developmental life experiences, feelings (such as ‘feeling loved’ or ‘alone and unloved’ or ‘repressed anger’), beliefs about self (such as ‘I am not good enough’) and behaviour patterns that may have been adaptive as a child but are dysfunctional as an adult (eg, ‘attention seeking’, being a ‘rescuer’ or a ‘people pleaser’). These child ego states exist together as a reasonably cohesive unit like a family and just like a family, there can be conflict between various members. It is this inner conflict that can underlie dissatisfaction, discontent, distress and even depression in our lives.
These ‘child ego states’ exist in a time warp so that they believe ‘past events are still current’. So, even though the adult thinks that ‘it was all in the past so it is no longer relevant and I have moved on’, the reality is that these ego states exist in the present (bringing the past with them) and hence are able to influence our lives in the present. All this happens in the subconscious mind. Child ego states may encapsulate and be responsible for negative self-beliefs, emotions, motivations and behaviour patterns that are dysfunctional or self defeating – which can be changed with a plausible alternative reframe. Negative feelings can be resolved, released and replaced with more positive feelings.
An example of someone seeking therapy as an adult: There might be an ego state representing a ‘three-year-old who feels alone, unloved and unimportant because much of her mother’s time is taken up caring for a chronically ill sister who is only eighteen-months younger’. There may be a ‘five-year-old who is angry because her parents split, turning her life upside down, tearing away her family security, destroying her emotional security’ and there might be an ‘eleven-year-old who believes that she is not good enough because Mum never acknowledges her achievements at school or her efforts helping Mum’.
After the ego states have been ‘healed’, clients generally feel a whole lot better about themselves and have a greater sense of control in their life. When we communicate with ‘angry child ego states’ and help them to achieve resolution and heal, clients generally feel much more calm and, to their surprise, report that they no longer react angrily to minor irritations and provocations.
So, it was talking to my clients about their current problem and their childhood and then communicating with the relevant child ego states while the client was in hypnosis that I obtained information on the emotional needs of children that were required to develop a healthy sense of self. I also obtained information on the long term consequences for emotional Wellbeing when these needs were unmet or violated by parents. In addition to the impact on Self Worth, Self Esteem and Emotional Wellbeing, what has surprised me is the extent of repressed anger revealed that was the result of emotional needs being violated. Generally, these needs had been unmet or violated unintentionally, by caring parents who acted with the best of intentions.
Parenting topics discussed
How to build a sound foundation for your child’s Self Esteem and Wellbeing is explained in the "Self Esteem Parenting" page. A range of other issues relevant to parenting are discussed under "More Info" and common examples of child emotional needs not being met are included under "Child Needs Unmet'. "Model for Psychologists" ( under "Home") is the original version of Self Esteem Parenting that contains the rationale and explanation of development of the model.
About the author
My name is Isabella McKenzie Parker and I am a Clinical Hypnotherapist & former Registered Psychologist, currently with a Clinical Hypnotherapy practice in the Sunshine Coast hinterland (S-E Qld).
The contents of this website are applicable as a Parenting guide and also to aid adults to achieve Self-Understanding of how their childhood has shaped how they have become the person they are now - and where their dysfunctional stuff came from so they have a clearer understanding of what needs to be addressed to achieve more optimal functioning.
Read on -------
Like most parents, you are probably busy juggling your responsibilities, trying to achieve that ‘work-life’ balance that we are told we should aim for. You probably don’t manage to get much ‘me time’ and as a parent, you are ‘doing the best you can’, but sometimes you may ask yourself if you are ‘getting it right’. We see and read so much negative stuff about the behaviour of kids and adolescents, discipline problems in schools, promiscuity, anti-social behaviour, bullying, aggression, juvenile crime, arson, home invasions and drunken violence. We read statistics on the incidence of drug and alcohol use, young age of sexually active kids, sexually transmitted infections, teen pregnancies and mental illness. Now, you know that as much as you would like to, you cannot wrap your kids in cotton wool to protect them. But as a responsible minded, caring parent, you may ask yourself if you are doing enough to protect them from becoming one of those statistics and to help prepare them for coping with any negative influences they may encounter in life. But, it isn’t about doing enough – it’s about doing what matters.
What does really matter?
The focus in child raising has been mainly on academic development, preparing young kids for school, getting good grades to get into university and getting a good job or career. Balance has been sought through extracurricular activities such as sport, dancing and music. The importance of emotional development has been overlooked. There has been a sort of assumption that emotional development is something that happens automatically and takes care of itself – but it isn’t relevant to anything important, anyway. However, there is a growing awareness now that emotional development plays a key role in every aspect of our lives – not just in relationships and our personal lives – but even academic achievement and career success. Professionals working in mental health and juvenile justice have long been aware of the outcome for kids when emotional development has been overlooked or neglected. Psychologists and educators are now aware of the negative impact that overlooking the emotional development has, resulting in poor Self Esteem and Wellbeing which affect school performance and behaviour. So, what does really matter then, is emotional development that builds a healthy Self Esteem and Emotional Wellbeing.
Surely how to build your child’s Self Esteem is no ‘secret’?
Most parents do what they think is in the best interests of their children, doing ‘the best they know how’. Yet, many kids have poor Self Esteem and Emotional Wellbeing. So, if well-intentioned parents are not getting it right, then it must be because they ‘do not know how’ - after all, “Babies don’t come with a manual”. It would seem that parents do not know what really matters. If they did know, then they would surerly do what is required to teach kids self esteem. Hence, effective parenting strategies that will develop Self Esteem and Wellbeing must be a secret!!!!
I wish I had known about this and how to go about achieving it when I was raising my kids. They assure me that I didn’t do a bad job and after all, they are all good people, are gainfully employed and have never been into drugs, crime or anti-social behaviour. To quote that New Age pop psychology mantra, “I did the best I knew how”, but, I know now that I could have done better, if I had known how.
How would you know if you are ‘getting it right’ or not?
Unless your kids are obviously depressed, shutting themselves away in their room or their school work is suffering or you are called into the school principal’s office or your child runs away from home or is engaged in ‘cutting behaviour’ or the police catch them committing crimes, how do you know if they are emotionally ‘ok’? It isn’t like they are going to tell you. Kids are not good at being in touch with their feelings or communicating how they feel. Ok, they have no problem communicating, “I’m bored’ or “I hate you” if you say ‘no’ to an unreasonable demand. Otherwise, how do you really know what goes on inside their heads? Even if they could verbalise how they really feel and what they believe about you and themselves - they are not going to tell you. Childhood is where we learn to ‘put on a mask’ to hide our feelings, put on ‘armour’ to protect our feelings and ‘adopt roles’ of who we think we need to be in order to gain parental approval and avoid disapproval. This behaviour is aimed to conceal true feelings and thoughts, that if expressed, might meet with parental disapproval. It is called ‘adaptive behaviour’. If you were to actually ask your kids, you would probably just get a noncommittal, ambiguous, uninformative “I’m ok” sort of non-response. Another reason they can’t tell you is that the relevant stuff is in their subconscious mind, so they can’t actually access it, anyway.
What is this ‘secret’ information that I am offering?
The secret I have uncovered is how kids develop healthy emotional foundations of Self Worth and subconscious self beliefs that will stand them in good stead throughout their lifetime. The secret I have uncovered is the emotional developmental needs of kids that are required to build a healthy sense of Self Esteem and Wellbeing. The secret I am revealing is positive parenting styles that will achieve this - what I refer to as the ‘"ssential Principles of Parenting".
How did I uncover this parenting secret?
As a Clinical Hypnotherapist & Psychologist, I have found that for most of my clients, regardless of their ‘presenting problem’, we need to address childhood stuff. This ‘stuff’ may be directly related to the current problem or it may be responsible for ‘vulnerability’ that underlies the current problem. Now, this in itself is no surprise as it is common knowledge that there is often a link between childhood stuff and later emotional problems or dysfunctional patterns of thinking and behaviour. Being stuck in repetitive patterns such as dysfunctional relationships can make your life seem like ‘Ground Hog Day’ and you might ask yourself, “Why do I keep doing this? Why do I keep making the same mistakes”? Well, what is not commonly known is the ‘why’ and ‘how’ of the link between childhood stuff locked in your subconscious mind and the later emotional and behavioural problems as an adolescent or adult. Yet, this is useful information to know if you are into self improvement and want to address this ‘stuff’ - such as unresolved emotions that cause you to have irrational reactions or dysfunctional beliefs that underlie subconscious motivations (that influence decisions which do not always turn out to be in your best interests). However, just having awareness about this stuff in your conscious mind may not be sufficient to change it. But --- the good news is that because of the plasticity of the brain, this stuff in your subconscious mind can be cleared and new neural pathways developed. Negative subconscious beliefs and dysfunctional patterns of behaviour have been learned in childhood – and what has been learned, is amenable to change and being replaced with more positive beliefs and functional patterns.
Back to the subject of childhood stuff.
This is not necessarily about having a horrible, abusive or violent childhood. It is mostly about having an ordinary sort of childhood, with parents who care about their kids and did what they thought was best. To quote the New Age pop psychology mantra, “They did the best they knew how”. Unfortunately, they didn’t really know how. They learnt from their parents (who had learnt from their parents, and they learnt from their parents) so any inadequate or dysfunctional parenting was perpetuated, from one generation to the next. (In addition, during the past forty years-or-so, parenting has been influenced by social engineers pursuing libertarian agendas rather than what is actually in the best interests of kids. This is discussed in “Parents Misled” under "More Info"). Even if you vowed to do things differently when you became a parent, chances are you will just make a different mistake. Ironically, you can end up making the same mistake as your parents, but it happens in a different guise so you don’t realise that you are making it. This does not mean that you are doomed to repeat your own parents’ mistakes. What it does mean is that you need to be aware of how both the explicit and implicit messages of your parents’ behaviour affected you and understand how to do it differently. Information that can help you to 'do it differently' and build the foundations for healthy Self Esteem and Wellbeing for your child is in the "Self Esteem Parenting” page. This parenting information is applicable for you as a parent raising your own kids and is also useful in understanding how you came to be the way you are -what your subconscious motivations are and any self-defeating patterns of thinking. Since ideal parenting is very, very rare, most of us have some 'stuff'.
This is not a witch hunt looking to blame parents and absolve their adult offspring from responsibility for their current life situation. The ultimate goal of any therapy is self empowerment. The first step in achieving that is to accept responsibility for a problem and then accept responsibility to find solutions and make positive changes. People who want to remain stuck in ‘playing the victim’ and blaming others will not achieve self empowerment. Blaming others is giving away your power. The reality is that people do bad things to each other - and history cannot be changed. What we are stuck with is the subjective experience (feelings, beliefs and attitudes) that cause distress and impact on our lives – and it is this stuff that is problematic NOW, not the past events themselves - which is good news, because due to the plasticity of the brain, the stuff in the subjective experience can be changed. Resolution can be achieved. Some stuff can be resolved merely by achieving conscious awareness of its existence and understanding how it is causing current problems. Reading self help books and meditation practices can also assist in resolution but some issues require professional help. There are various forms of psychological therapy that can be used and any of these will be successful to the degree that it can access the subconscious mind, either directly or indirectly, and make changes there. Utilising the services of a therapist is accepting responsibility for making changes. This is still an act of self help and achieving self empowerment, since a successful outcome will depend on the client accepting responsibility by being a psychologically active participant in the therapy.
Back to the question of how I uncovered this information.
There is a lot of ‘how to’ parenting advice on specific child behaviours and problem situations, but apart from John Bowlby’s ‘Attachment Theory’, there is no complete model on emotional needs of infants and children. The information I am providing is a comprehensive, cohesive model of child emotional developmental needs for building a sound foundation for Self Esteem and Wellbeing - and how parents can meet these needs.
You are probably familiar with the concept of the ‘inner child’, usually referring to a ‘free child’ who needs to play or a ‘wounded child’ who needs to heal. However, we actually have more than one of these ‘child ego states’. They may be positive or negative and represent different developmental life experiences, feelings (such as ‘feeling loved’ or ‘alone and unloved’ or ‘repressed anger’), beliefs about self (such as ‘I am not good enough’) and behaviour patterns that may have been adaptive as a child but are dysfunctional as an adult (eg, ‘attention seeking’, being a ‘rescuer’ or a ‘people pleaser’). These child ego states exist together as a reasonably cohesive unit like a family and just like a family, there can be conflict between various members. It is this inner conflict that can underlie dissatisfaction, discontent, distress and even depression in our lives.
These ‘child ego states’ exist in a time warp so that they believe ‘past events are still current’. So, even though the adult thinks that ‘it was all in the past so it is no longer relevant and I have moved on’, the reality is that these ego states exist in the present (bringing the past with them) and hence are able to influence our lives in the present. All this happens in the subconscious mind. Child ego states may encapsulate and be responsible for negative self-beliefs, emotions, motivations and behaviour patterns that are dysfunctional or self defeating – which can be changed with a plausible alternative reframe. Negative feelings can be resolved, released and replaced with more positive feelings.
An example of someone seeking therapy as an adult: There might be an ego state representing a ‘three-year-old who feels alone, unloved and unimportant because much of her mother’s time is taken up caring for a chronically ill sister who is only eighteen-months younger’. There may be a ‘five-year-old who is angry because her parents split, turning her life upside down, tearing away her family security, destroying her emotional security’ and there might be an ‘eleven-year-old who believes that she is not good enough because Mum never acknowledges her achievements at school or her efforts helping Mum’.
After the ego states have been ‘healed’, clients generally feel a whole lot better about themselves and have a greater sense of control in their life. When we communicate with ‘angry child ego states’ and help them to achieve resolution and heal, clients generally feel much more calm and, to their surprise, report that they no longer react angrily to minor irritations and provocations.
So, it was talking to my clients about their current problem and their childhood and then communicating with the relevant child ego states while the client was in hypnosis that I obtained information on the emotional needs of children that were required to develop a healthy sense of self. I also obtained information on the long term consequences for emotional Wellbeing when these needs were unmet or violated by parents. In addition to the impact on Self Worth, Self Esteem and Emotional Wellbeing, what has surprised me is the extent of repressed anger revealed that was the result of emotional needs being violated. Generally, these needs had been unmet or violated unintentionally, by caring parents who acted with the best of intentions.
Parenting topics discussed
How to build a sound foundation for your child’s Self Esteem and Wellbeing is explained in the "Self Esteem Parenting" page. A range of other issues relevant to parenting are discussed under "More Info" and common examples of child emotional needs not being met are included under "Child Needs Unmet'. "Model for Psychologists" ( under "Home") is the original version of Self Esteem Parenting that contains the rationale and explanation of development of the model.
About the author
My name is Isabella McKenzie Parker and I am a Clinical Hypnotherapist & former Registered Psychologist, currently with a Clinical Hypnotherapy practice in the Sunshine Coast hinterland (S-E Qld).
Qualifications: BA (Hons in Psych),
Master Science in Society,
Cert IV Clinical Hypnotherapy,
Diploma in Clinical Hypnotherapy.
I began in private practice as a Clinical Hypnotherapist & Psychologist in 2000 and have a working background in depression research at the Black Dog Institute (Sydney).
Currently, I have a private practice as a Clinical Hypnotherapist at Ninderry-Yandina, in the Sunshine Coast hinterland (S-E Queensland, Australia). https://www.isabellaparkerhypnotherapy.com.au
Applications of the information on this website
* Parenting * Child Developmental Psychology * Human Behaviour * Adult Self Understanding * Therapist Resource
I trust that you will find the information on this website to be informative, interesting and helpful, not just
as a parent, but also understanding the influences of your parents on your own childhood. Useful information if you are into 'self help'. If you know something about your parents' childhood, you can gain a better understanding of 'where they were coming from'. You can also use this information to be more understanding and tolerant of human behaviour around you. However, I do caution against psycho-analysing others on the basis of a snippet of information and authoritatively telling them, "I know what is wrong with you". That is a good way guaranteed to annoy people. Even an experienced therapist needs to know all the relevant information before drawing diagnostic conclusions.
If you feel or suspect that 'stuff' from your childhood has impacted negatively on your life in some way and you want to change that by addressing that 'stuff', then hypnotherapy is a powerful tool for change.
Regards
Isabella
Book on building foundations for Self Esteem now available
Finally, after ten years of developing and fine tuning a model of child emotional development, I have just published a book: “Self Worth BEFORE Self Esteem”, ‘What every parent must know about building the foundations of Self Esteem’. The book is available on http://www.amazon.com as an ebook and in paperback.
In addition, embedded within the book there is a guide for readers interested in ‘self-help’. To help parents understand how the subliminal messages in what they say and do or don’t say and don’t do actually affect their children, readers are invited to apply the model to their own childhood and reflect on their own experiences and how the subliminal messages they received from their parents have influenced ‘who they are’.
This model is a non-conventional approach and may be regarded as a bit controversial since it does not support current social ideology or feminist dogma.
The CARRP-ALIAS model in this website and book is a guide for parents wanting to build healthy emotional foundations in their children and also a useful guide to adults into 'self help'.
So, what is the relevance for adults?
If children have ‘faulty’ emotional foundations laid down in childhood, or they are ‘emotionally damaged’, when they grow into adults, these turn into ‘unresolved emotional issues’, commonly known as ‘stuff’. But, the good news is that because of the plasticity of the brain, emotional foundations in the subconscious mind can be ‘rebuilt’ and damage ‘repaired’, using hypnotherapeutic techniques and the ‘stuff’ gets resolved.
How can ‘unresolved stuff’ affect your life as an adult?
Example #1: Do you keep making the same mistakes in relationships? Do you keep getting into crappy relationships and believe or hope that ‘this time’ it will ‘be different’? But it never is! Why?
An analogy: You can watch a DVD of ‘The Titanic’ a hundred times, and no matter how much you might wish that it could have a happy ending, Jack is going to drown EVERY time, because it is a recording and the ending is ‘fixed’ and cannot ever change. Likewise, when we ‘replay’ the ‘personal drama/horror’ relationship movie programmed in our subconscious mind, we expect or hope that ‘this time, things will be better’ or ‘this time, we will get it right’. Don’t we wish! But, like ‘The Titanic’, when we press the ‘replay’ button for that personal relationship movie we play in our subconscious mind, the outcome is ‘fixed’ and as much as we wish, it is always going to turn out the same way – crappy, dysfunctional, stressful unhappy and eventually you can just end up getting depressed. We may replace the ‘romantic lead’ and expect this will give us a different outcome, but the ‘casting criteria’ for that role remains the same, so although for each ‘replay’, the person filling this role has a different face, it is still the same character, merely in a different guise - and the role we play is still the same character.
The solution is to delete that old dysfunctional movie in your subconscious mind and program in a new one you know will have a better outcome – one that has a changed criteria for your character and consequently a changed criteria for the role of ‘romantic lead’ playing opposite you,.
PS: You will need tech support to delete that old movie and program in a new one! That is what I do! Tech support for your subconscious mind!
Additional recommended reading:
“In Being there: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First three Years Matters”, by Erica Komistar, emphasises the importance of mothers and how essential they are to a whole range of developmental aspects, for the mother to be physically and emotionally available to her child during the first 1,000 days of the child's life.
Review: This is a very honest book with a much-needed message about the real needs of children that goes counter to the feminist agenda which devalues motherhood because having to take care of children gets in the way of more rewarding and enjoyable activities such as careers. Erica bravely argues that mothers need to prioritise their children over their work. I say 'bravely', because in this era of women's 'social rights' being the highest priority, children's 'innate rights' to have their emotional needs met by mothers has been deliberately ignored by 'gender equality' feminists who want to be more like men, and any child development professional who has dared to question the wisdom of subjecting children under three years of age to substantial periods of 'maternal deprivation' in non-maternal care (particularly long day care) is quickly shouted down by feminists and the child care industry who argue they provide 'quality' care and have 'caring' carers. The mere fact that child care operators offer this argument illustrates their lack of understanding of the emotional needs of young children, particularly infants, and the indisputable fact that there is no satisfactory substitute for maternal care.
PS: Fathers are essential from the beginning, too, but during infancy, it is the maternal input during this time that is essential for emotional development - Dad is more important to the child later!
Topics in the Media
13/11/2017
How to change gross male attitudes and behaviour
A study of 200,000 15-year-olds from mixed sex schools around the world has found that boys do better when there are more girls in the class than boys, suggesting that girl’s higher levels of concentration and motivation provide a positive influence on boys (CM, 11/11/2017). This is hardly newsworthy or surprising, but it does go against feminist ideology and illustrates the power women have to improve male attitudes and behaviour when they ‘set standards’ rather than try to be the ‘same as’ men by adopting gross male standards of behaviour.
This has been further highlighted by several authors of relationship books who have stated that men can only get away with treating women badly in relationships because women allow them to. One male author even gives the advice to women, “Men respect standards – get some”! This is no surprise to anyone living prior to the erosion of moral values by imposition of libertarian values (ie, rights, freedom, ‘me first’, non-responsibility, instant gratification in pursuit of the ‘next dopamine hit’, while ‘freedom of speech’ and ‘honesty’ have degenerated to be just an excuse to be offensive) during the 1960s followed by second wave feminism, where gender equality was translated into women trying to be the ‘same as’ men. Prior to this, in the era of moral values (ie, responsibility, delayed gratification, obligations to society, consideration for others, respect for self, others and property), women were the ‘moral guardians’ of society. Mothers raised their daughters to have self respect and their sons to ‘not hit girls’ and to respect women. These boys, in turn, raised their sons to respect women.
However, second wave feminism was hijacked by man-haters with no interest in marriage or kids, but a desire to cast off any traditional and innate roles of women, to be ‘like men’. While libertarians abandoned values of respect and consideration for others (after all, treating others with respect and consideration would violate personal freedoms and rights), it was second wave feminists who abolished respect for women because they regarded men treating women with courtesy as ‘degrading’ to women.
Libertarians introduced the value of non-responsibility and abrogating personal responsibilities to the nanny state. Feminists extended that to abrogating maternal responsibility by devaluing motherhood and promoting outsourcing of child care for infants and toddlers.
Instead of being taught about respect (for self and for others), girls are taught to behave the same as boys and boys are taught to treat girls the same as they treat other boys. Girls are taught that being selfish, loud and aggressive is being a ‘strong woman’ and being sexually promiscuous is being ‘liberated’. When women seek validation to boost their poor sense of Self Worth by getting inebriated with the intention of ‘hooking up’ with a stranger for casual sex, then cry ‘victim’ when it turns out badly, we have complaints that men don’t respect women. Well, women don’t respect themselves, and don’t take responsibility for their safety, so how can they expect to be treated with respect by men exploiting their stupidity?
If women want to be treated with respect by men, then girls need to be taught to have self respect and women take back the responsibility for moral guardianship in society, instead of copying men and then blaming them for the demise of respect.
Since libertarian values were embraced and women abandoned the role as moral guardians, society has descended into what has been commonly referred to as a ‘moral abyss’ and youth without parental guidance as ‘lacking a moral compass’. While women think it is ‘liberating’ and ‘gender equality’ to behave like men, they are validating gross male conduct and negative male attitudes and behaviour towards women. While women continue to do this, men will never be motivated to improve their social behaviour or attitudes and behaviour towards women. Solution: Advice by the author to women, “Men respect standards – get some”!
12/11/2017
First 1,000 days of a child’s life
Erica Komisar’s new book regarding the premise of the importance of mothers and how essential it is to a whole range of developmental aspects for the mother to be physically and emotionally available to her child during the first 1,000 days of a child’s life, is causing quite a stir. This is probably because, “In Being there: Why Prioritizing Motherhood in the First three Years Matters”, does not support the feminist agenda but instead, argues that mothers need to prioritise their children over their work, thereby challenging the feminist mission to devalue motherhood.
The fact is that second wave feminism was hijacked by the loudest voices who were man-hating women with no interest in marriage and kids (eg Germaine Greer), but purely in elevating the status of women. In order to achieve this, children’s INNATE rights to have their emotional needs met had to be subjugated and to justify this, feminists devalued motherhood with mantras such as: ‘there is nothing special about mothering’, ‘anyone can raise a child’, and even as recent as a couple of years ago, 'attachment theory is out of date’. Such a comment on ‘attachment’ is pure ignorance or deliberate intent to mislead women. Bowlby’s ‘Attachment’ is not merely a theory, (or an ideology as is feminism) but is based on empirical data. Feminist views on child raising ignore child developmental psychology and mantras are sprouted to support feminist ideology. Child emotional developmental needs are a non-issue in feminism and promotion of ‘quality’ child care is simply intended to serve the goal of ‘liberating’ women from the unrewarding chore of childcare, urging them to spend their time in more rewarding and enjoyable activities – as if motherhood is some patriarchal conspiracy to keep women subjugated.
The fact is that second wave feminists deliberately misled women and modern feminism has inherited this ideology without question. Perhaps Erica’s book is causing some mothers to question the dictates of feminism and is validating their own mixed feelings as working mothers.
Life choices have a cost that is born by someone and in the case of feminism and women trying to live up to the false promise that ‘women can have it all’, women probably feel that they are ‘doing it all’, getting stressed in the juggling act, but the collateral damage and long term emotional cost are born by children.
When high profile career women claim they are being a role model for their young daughters, they are either being delusional or simply trying to justify their choices. As a Clinical Hypnotherapist whose main work has become addressing adult clients’ childhood stuff, I can assure you that what goes through the mind of a young child is not admiration for their mother being a career woman, but emotional deprivation, subconscious feelings of being unimportant to Mum (which contribute to poor Self Worth which is the foundation for Self Esteem) and even anger which has to be repressed and is either internalised or externalised (which results in some degree of long term emotional/mental health issues, resentment and/or aggressive behaviour problems). Treating adult clients has given me an understanding of what the emotional developmental needs are and the long term consequences of these needs being unmet or violated by parents (even unintentionally), plus the awareness that any feelings of not being valued by their parents are concealed behind what I refer to as the mask that says “I’m ok”, because subconsciously, they feel that to express them could result in alienation of the parent.
My prediction is that the social time bomb for this century is ‘outsourcing early childcare to non-maternal care’ whether that is the ‘nanny state’ institutionalised child care, paid nannies or family members, because for healthy emotional development, there is no substitute for a mother.
For advice on what the developmental emotional needs for kids are, and how this has a long term impact on adults, check out the mickey mouse version on this website or for the adult version in paperback, “Self Worth BEFORE Self Esteem: What Every Parent MUST Know about Building the Foundations of Self-Esteem”, Isabella McKenzie Parker, available on Amazon.
22/9/2017
Prescription drugs not the best for depression!
Based on the ‘medical model’ of depression, medication is the ‘fist line’ treatment. However, medication is not the most effective treatment for non-endogenous depression which accounts for 90% of depression cases, since antidepressants merely provide symptom relief as an ‘emotional analgesic’. This means that the real cause is not treated and leaves the patient vulnerable to a recurrence of depression at later stressful times in life.
Another reason to not rely on medication is the recent findings of studies that revealed antidepressants increase risk of death due to their blood thinning property which leaves patients more vulnerable to haemorrhaging and internal bleeding (Courier Mail, 15/9/2019).
As a proposed alternative, perhaps acknowledging the limited efficacy and problems of antidepressants, but of equally dubious benefit, is a report that within three years, the psychedelic drug in magic mushrooms may be available on prescription to treat depression (Courier Mail, 16/9/2017). Never mind that patients are reported to ‘likely experience hallucinations and other temporary shifts in consciousness.’ What are these ‘shifts’? Tripping? Delusions? What then? A prescription for adjunctive antipsychotic medication to treat the hallucinations and ‘shifts’?
The pharmaceutical approach to treatment reflects the lack of real understanding of non-endogenous depression by medical science. This is further highlighted by the experimental trials with a psychedelic drug, which sounds like a desperate attempt by pharmaceutical companies to cling to relevance in the market as more people become disillusioned with conventional medicine and seek natural alternatives.
The true causal factors of non-endogenous depression are psychological-situational in nature so these cases respond more effectively to psychological strategies to help the patient deal with current life circumstances and create necessary changes. To be even more effective and reduce risk of recurrence, the underlying vulnerabilities or ‘risk factors’ which originate in ‘childhood stuff’ can be resolved and the patient ‘take back their power’ with hypnotherapy. All with no side effects!
8/9/2017
SSM debate and parenting
In the arguments over same-sex marriage, countering claims have been made regarding the merits of same-sex and opposite-sex parents, and the impact on children. There has been reference to peer-reviewed studies in the US National Health Interview Survey database of over 2000,000 children. The findings were that children of same-sex parents were more than twice as likely as those of opposite-sex parents to experience significant emotional problems.
However, the issue of emotional problems due to gender of parents is a much broader one for society and has nothing to do with religion or legal status of marriage. From my clinical experience where most of my work is addressing adults’ childhood issues, and from much of the research studies, what is essential for healthy emotional development (including sense of Self Worth) is the parenting input from both a female and a male parent.
I would therefore suggest that it not so much a same-sex vs opposite-sex parenting issue, but is really about the absence of input from a parent of the ‘missing gender’. Hence, a greater likelihood of long term emotional problems is experienced among children of single parents. These are mostly single mothers, whether unplanned (through divorce), serial monogamy (acquiring children from each relationship), accidental pregnancies from casual sex or single women making a choice to have a baby without a father. These children are deprived of the parenting input of a father and likewise, same-sex parents, whether male or female, are depriving the child of the developmental input of a parent of the ‘other’ sex.
7/2/2017
Too young for school
The high cost of child care has been reported as forcing low income parents to send their children to school before they are emotionally and mentally old enough to cope with the demands of formal education. The ‘powers that be’ have dismissed any concerns that this might be damaging in any way.
While these younger children can catch up academically as their brains mature neurologically, psychological scars do remain. As a Clinical Hypnotherapist, most of the treatment for my adult clients is resolving childhood ‘stuff’ which underlies current emotional issues and ‘mental health’ problems. Among these is the occasional adult who was sent to school prior to their fifth birthday. During that first year, they struggled academically, were put into remedial classes and formed a negative self-belief that they were a ‘dummy’, resulting in long term lack of wellbeing and a poor sense of Self Worth. Some were hindered by their negative self-image from attempting higher studies or challenging careers. Others went on to achieve academically at university and were successful in their careers, but the poor Self Worth and self-image as a ‘dummy’ stuck with them. This prevented them from being able to acknowledge or enjoy their achievements, believing they were a ‘fraud’ who did not deserve their success, consequently living in some degree of anxiety that they would be ‘found out’ .
It is odd that in a society that places such emphasis on the importance of mental health, wellbeing and self esteem, and government is concerned at the high cost to services when these are lacking, that the implementation of action that can compromise this in the long term can be regarded so dismissively by the ‘powers that be’ as of no import. Perhaps the real reason for this response is that our government, in its wisdom is aiming to improve poor OECD academic ratings for Australia by commencing formal education at an earlier age. It could not justify doing this if acknowledging the long term psychological harm – and the long term potential financial cost of ‘mental health’.
3/9/2016
Biased sex education for 4-year olds
I recently read a sample family scenario such as is being used in LGTGB-biased sex education for young children which takes ‘gender equality’ and Freud’s ‘penis envy’ by man-hating feminists to the extreme. The family consisted of a biologically-male father, a female mother transitioning to male, and a young daughter. The mother was explaining to the girl how ‘God got it wrong’ so she was now correcting this mistake. If this is the kind of message young children are receiving at home from LGTGB parents and in pre-school, no wonder they feel their gender is a ‘mistake’ and experience ‘gender dysphoria’.
This leads to an important point which is the attitude of a parent can influence how a child feels about their gender, so as a Clinical Hypnotherapist and former psychologist treating adult clients for childhood ‘stuff’ , I would urge not pushing kids to question and choose their gender at this time.
A common scenario throughout history is fathers wanting a son to carry on the family name or business or to share their sporting interests, and being disappointed when a baby girl arrives. Most fathers adjust and adore their daughters. However, there will generally be a family member who thinks it is hilarious to remind the daughter, generally at family gatherings, how disappointed her father was that ‘she was not a boy’. Daughters need their fathers’ approval and the relationship between father and daughter teaches her how to value her gender, so if she receives messages (explicit or implicit) that he wanted a boy instead of the girl he got, she will feel rejected by him. Perhaps he spends more time with his sons. The daughter will try to gain his approval by becoming the son she believes he wants, by rejecting all things feminine and adopt a masculine persona by dressing like a boy and engaging in masculine activities. She will generally ‘grow out’ of this behaviour when puberty kicks in and embrace her femininity but the belief that her father does not value her because she is a girl will remain and have a life-long impact on her sense of Self Worth.
Whilst not denying that there are some young children who have genuine reason to ‘feel different’, pushing a message that they are in the ‘wrong body’ to young children at a vulnerable age can only result in a lot more confused heterosexual kids experiencing ‘gender dysphoria’. If they are channelled into a program of ‘gender transitioning’ they will become really screwed up as adolescents and adults.
30/8/2016
‘Fussy eaters’ and psychopathology
Here we go again! Behaviour problems being pathologised by professionals instead of parents using common sense. Parents, worried about young kids who are fussy eaters, are seeking professional help.
The ‘condition’ is being pathologised and parents are being warned to take the condition seriously, with the warning that fussy eaters are prone to anxiety and other mental health problems. Bunkum! What next? Anxiolytic or antidepressant medication for fussy eaters to treat the underlying psychopathology or as a preventative of future psychopathology? The American Psychiatric Association continues to pathologise normal conditions (eg, grief) and ‘learned’ behaviour that is the result of ineffective parenting, as psychiatric disorders, to justify the relevance of psychiatry. ‘Fussy eater’ will probably be listed in the next version of DSM.
Mothers become anxious and worry needlessly that fussy eaters will suffer ill-effects if they do not eat so pander to them by tempting them with tasty snacks. Hence, there begins a life of inconvenience for the mother, cooking special meals for one member of the family who will not eat what everyone else is eating, thereby also reinforcing poor eating habits. Kids will not starve if they miss a couple of meals, and in time, they will learn to eat ‘what is put in front of them’ when they are hungry enough. When parents pander to kids, they are relinquishing their parental authority and that is a lesson in ‘power’ that kids learn young and learn quickly – unduly influencing family decisions, getting whatever they want and emotional manipulation of parents.
Memo to worried mothers of a ‘fussy eater’: If your child is happy, content, active, progressing developmentally and not obviously unhealthy, but the doctor tells you that your child is in the ‘lowest percentiles’ or their weight has ‘dropped a percentile’, just ignore their concern. ‘Dropping a percentile’ does not mean your child is losing weight or is unhealthy, but simply means that your child is not gaining weight as fast as other kids. ‘Percentiles’ are meaningless when ‘normative data’ are skewed by the prevalence of kids with obesity beginning in infancy, so by comparison, a fussy eater or a child of small build will ‘appear to go backwards’ in their growth.
Some ‘sciences’ are prone to confuse ‘cause and consequence’ to justify their relevance, but as a therapist, I know that quite often, so called ‘psychiatric disorders’ in children and adults are merely dysfunctional ‘learning’ from situations in the early childhood environment. Kids learn (subconsciously) from parents’ behaviour and emotional reactions, so rather than ‘fussy eating’ being an indicator of future psychopathology, what is more likely happening is kids are ‘learning’ psychopathology from ‘anxious’ parents making a ‘big deal’ out of not eating and making mealtimes stressful for themselves and the child.
11/6/2016
Societal dangers of ‘repressed anger’ are ignored or unrecognised.
A student of Palm Beach-Currumbin High School has been hospitalised with brain injuries when he fell and hit his head on concrete after blacking out in a ‘choke hold’ placed on him by another student (Courier Mail, 11/6/2016). What concerns me even more than the ‘choke hold’ applied by a student and the consequences for the victim, is the reaction by authorities and professionals as reported in the media. This ‘choke hold’ is labelled as ‘tap out’, ‘knock out’ or ‘black out’ and is being dismissed as a ‘game’, a ‘craze’, a ‘fad’, a ‘stupid prank gone wrong’ or ‘risk taking’ behaviour that adolescents engage in.
First point: ‘Risk taking’ behaviour is stupid thoughtless actions taken by an individual that puts their own life at risk, such as jumping off a second-storey roof or driving into flood water or holding on to a hand grenade after pulling the pin. Hence, the joke about idiots responsible for their own death being eligible for the “Darwin Award for Service to Humanity”, by removing themselves from the gene pool. Dangerous or aggressive behaviour that puts the life of someone else at risk does not qualify as ‘risk taking’ behaviour.
Point two: Ask any woman who has been a victim of domestic violence if being put in a ‘choke hold’ until ‘blacking out’ is a game! When a man engaging in domestic violence puts a ‘choke hold’ on his wife, does this qualify as ‘risk taking’ behaviour? Risky for whom? Not for him, the perpetrator, that’s for sure! It is risky only for the victim of the ‘choke hold’ whom he intends to harm. This element of ‘intention to cause harm’ seems to be overlooked in dismissing this ‘choke hold’ as a ‘game’ and its PC reinterpretation as legitimate ‘risk taking’.
And that brings me to point three: It is not merely naïve to dismiss the seriousness of these so-called games but inexcusable ‘head in the sand’ stupidity. There are constantly expressed concerns about the increasing violence in society, particularly where alcohol is involved, and violence inflicted on women by their partners in relationships. Yet, here we have ‘intentional violence’ being ‘excused’ as a ‘game’.
As a Clinical Hypnotherapist, I have been surprised by the frequency of ‘repressed anger’ I have treated in clients. Considering the extent of violence in society, I should not be surprised. Unfortunately, this ‘repressed anger’ responsible for societal violence goes unrecognised so is not addressed, but simply blamed on alcohol. However, alcohol does not cause violence, but simply ‘short circuits’ the control switch for ‘social inhibition’, revealing the true character that lies hidden behind the public mask that people wear. Hence, when drinkers become mean, nasty, loud, foul-mouthed, abusive, belligerent, aggressive or violent, they are expressing their true character. They are ‘externalising’ their existing ‘repressed anger’ and an existing desire for aggression.
Rather than dismiss ‘games’ of violence against others that are intended to harm, as some sort of harmless ‘risk taking’ fun (that is also legitimised by violence in media entertainment), there needs to be the recognition that the perpetrators or initiators are adolescents ‘externalising’ their ‘repressed anger’ under the legitimising guise of a ‘game’, and their psychological issues need to be addressed sooner, rather than later in prison.
5/6/2016
Education policy is being shaped by misguided social engineers aiming for ideological victories but lacking any understanding of cognitive development, hence the poor academic standards in Queensland schools. The latest hare-brained scheme in an attempt to redress this embarrassing situation is to start kids in formal education younger, at four years of age. However, social engineers have no understanding of child emotional development and the lifelong cost to them of this policy. Wise parents with legitimate concerns about their children’s welfare are holding them back for another year. This is not an example of ‘helicopter parenting’ but simply a matter of parents making a realistic assessment of their child’s level of maturity. Their concerns are valid, yet these parents are being criticised as basing them on their own negative experiences and just the ‘perception’ that their own children ‘might’ struggle. They are being assured by so called ‘education experts’ that even though there may be a ‘small advantage’ in the child being older at start of school, (implying an admission that the younger children do struggle), by Year 3, ‘all are on an even keel‘(CM, 3/6/2016).
While it is true that the younger children catch up academically as their brains mature, and they can go on to successfully complete university degrees and engage in reasonably successful careers, the emotional damage has a long term negative impact that hinders optimal wellbeing and achievement. The brains of some four-year-old ‘early developers’ may be neurologically mature enough to meet the academic demands of the early school years, but most will not.
As a Clinical Hypnotherapist and former registered psychologist treating adult clients, I can claim to be an ‘expert’ on the long term consequences of childhood experiences. I have treated adults who were sent to school ‘too young’ as four-year-olds. Their school experiences were similar, with recollections of ‘struggling’ or ‘floundering’, the stigma of being in the ‘remedial class’, seeing themselves as the ‘dummy’ of the class, feeling ‘not as smart’ as everyone else and on the odd occasion when they did well in a school test after some coaching by their mother, instead of being praised by the teacher, were subjected to an accusation of not being able to achieve on their own so ‘must have cheated’. Psychologically, what they had in common as adults was a poor sense of Self Worth and Self Esteem, self-doubts and poor self-confidence, unable to acknowledge or appreciate their successes but instead, feeling like a ‘fraud’, unable to believe they had actually ‘earned’ their success through their own ability. Generally, they were discouraged by their negative self-beliefs from pursuing their dreams and ambitions, hindered from achieving their full potential, defeated by their self-belief as a ‘dummy’ who lacked the brains to achieve. Those who were driven to achieve by a need to prove that they were ‘not dummies’, were not able to shake off their negative self-beliefs in spite of their successes.
On second thought, given the admission by social engineers that school programmes are being based on leftie-neo-Marxism, perhaps they are not ignorant of child psychological development after all. Their true motive in starting children in school so young is to exploit this vulnerable developmental period of the brain being receptive to any influential input, hence are ideal for ideological brainwashing.
15/5/2016
In the Sunday Mail section on Parenting (15/5/2016), there is an article on disciplining kids with ‘kindness’, drawing a distinction between disciplining by teaching, instructing and guiding versus punishment, which is hurting someone because you do not like what they are doing.
All the advice given is fine, except that nowhere was there mention of the need to set rules of ‘expected behaviour’ and importantly, the essential role of parents in upholding those rules and teaching kids accountability for behaviour.
The main problem in kids’ behaviour posing social problems in today’s society is parents who do not set any rules for behaviour and if they do, they fail to uphold them because it is ‘too hard’ and they are afraid that if they say ‘no’, their kids will hate them, so relinquish parental authority to kids to do as they please.
The fact is that kids do not hate parents who say ‘no’, but instead, they despise parents who are a weak pushover and resent these parents for not regarding them as worth the effort of stepping up to the plate and taking on the authoritative role of parenting, making the tough decisions and providing them with the protection of leadership and guidance they need in order to feel safe and loved.
8/10/2015
Recent research has demonstrated that fathers reading stories to young children provide a greater contribution to their development of language skills than mothers reading to them, especially for daughters (CM 26/9/2015). In balance, is the apparent innate biological priority for maternal input in ‘right brain’ development during the ‘attachment’ years. What these two points highlight is the innate biological nature of gender specific roles of parenting input which are complementary in emotional and cognitive development of infants and young children. The implications are: (i) the questionable wisdom of fathers being the primary carers for infants and (ii) infants of single and same-sex parents being deprived of the developmental benefits of parental input from the parent of the ‘missing’ gender.
2/10/2015.
More evidence of how women are being misled by promotion of the benefits of early childhood learning and government policies coercing mothers to ‘outsource parenting’ of infants and toddlers to ‘quality child care’ and get back to work ASAP. Here finally are some honest admissions from the Institute of Health and Welfare of the real impact of non-maternal care.
‘For kids from middle class homes, frequent long days in childcare centres, particularly in the first two years, can heighten the risk of developing anti-social behaviour’, and quality childcare ‘had no strong effect on cognitive and language development’ (Courier Mail, 1/10/2015).
The only kids who benefit from ‘quality childcare’ are those from ‘disadvantaged backgrounds’. The social and economic benefits of this ‘early intervention’ was regarded as outweighing the cost of childcare and the cost of later interventions such as reduced pupil-teacher ratios, tuition subsidies, prisoner rehabilitation and expenditure on police.
To summarise: Kids from disadvantaged homes can be kept off the path to ‘losersville’ and saved from a life of crime by ‘early intervention’ in ‘quality childcare’, whereas for kids from middle class homes, there is an increase in the risk of developing anti-social behaviour and no benefit for cognitive and language development (ie, no academic advantage).
What is always ignored in any of these reports on child care is the importance of the essential role of mothers in emotional and cognitive development that takes place in their ‘attachment relationship’, particularly during the first two-three years. What is not reported is that the cause of the ‘anti-social behaviour’ is maternal deprivation of the mother’s absence. Perhaps what disadvantaged kids really need is better mothering (and of course fathering). This latest report ‘gives the lie’ to the feminist stance that there is nothing special about mothering and trained carers in ‘quality childcare’ can do as good as or even a better job than mothers.
27/9/2015.
In the Courier Mail (26/9/2015) there were three items that demonstrate how society is being misled in what is best for the emotional and psychological development of children.
#1: The claim that early childhood learning in institutionalised childcare provides an academic benefit for children entering school prep.
#2: Single women are giving up waiting for Mr Right to state a family and are choosing to have babies on their own by accessing IVF services.
#3: Research has demonstrated that fathers reading stories to young children provide a greater contribution to their development of language skills than mothers reading to them. This is especially for daughters.
With regard to #1, what is not being told is that any academic benefit does not last beyond one year. In the long term, the academic advantage is for kids who were taken care of by their mother for at least the first three years of their life, where they benefited from emotional and cognitive development in the ‘attachment environment’.
As for #2 and #3, in spite of acknowledgement of the social costs of children being raised without a father and in spite of the evidence demonstrating the essential complementary role of fathers in emotional and cognitive development, single women are still being encouraged and supported in their ‘right’ to have a baby on their own. The care of this baby is generally ‘outsourced’ to child care while the mother pursues her career, so in addition to the mother choosing to deprive her child of a father, she is also providing only minimal mothering during the critical ‘attachment’ years. This is an example of children’s innate rights and emotional needs being subjugated to women’s social rights.
10/10/14 Babies too close.
Germaine Greer has come in for some flak for criticising the Duchess of Cambridge or having another baby ‘too soon’. However, there is sound basis for this criticism. When Princess Mary’ second pregnancy was announced, she came in for public criticism by child development professionals because having babies closer together than two years is violating the first infants ‘attachment’ needs.
This argument that it is a woman’s right to determine her own life is one of the problems with feminism because when women’s rights are considered to be paramount, it means subjugating the innate rights of young children. For information of what the emotional developmental needs of children are, check out: www.selfesteemparenting.com.au
9/9/14 Ectogenesis – alternative to surrogate births:
Fifty years ago, the term ‘ectogenesis’ was coined to describe the ability to raise a foetus outside the human body in an
artificial womb - an ‘aquarium filled with amniotic fluid’. The foetus would be bathed in a saline solution infused with nutrients,
and specific hormones added at appropriate stages of development, all computer-controlled – much like hydroponically grown marihuana.
More recently, bioethicists have supported this as a solution for homosexual couples and single men to not have to deal
with the legal hassles and emotional dramas associated with surrogate mothers. The technology already exists and human trials are being held up only by legal and ethical issues. A prediction has been made that the technology will be readily available within twenty years and that by 2074, only thirty percent of births would be ‘human births’.
Hydroponically grown babies does have implications for ‘attachment’ which would normally begin while the infant is still in the
mother’s womb. (Refer discussion on surrogacy 5/9/2014).
Science and technology have developed artificial body parts and organs that function efficiently as mechanical and
electronic devices which have saved lives. Hence, male scientists may regard a woman’s womb as just another body part with a mechanical function, merely a biological receptacle providing a biochemical environment of liquid nutrients and hormones. ‘Science’ may believe that it can replicate these functions and regulate them more efficiently than can a human womb. However, the essential component that makes the foetus human cannot be replicated by science – the essential emotional environment of a woman’s womb cannot be replicated, no matter how sophisticated technology becomes. Hence, I suspect that a foetus that develops in the soulless and emotionless environment of an aquarium would be so emotionally deprived that it would lack the capacity to develop attachment with anyone after it is born - ever.
As for the attachment implication if a woman chooses surrogacy or ‘ectogenesis’ for convenience (so as not to interfere with her career or lose her figure) - it seems to me that she lacks commitment to motherhood so attachment is already doomed. As is the long term emotional wellbeing of her child.
Implications for attachment to a surrogate mother certainly would not be an issue for what I refer to as hydroponically grown babies – attachment would be a lifelong non-issue for them. As would be emotional wellbeing – or rather, the lack of.
5/9/14 Surrogacy, ‘attachment’ and emotional security:
The topic of surrogate births has been in the news lately, including a discussion on “Insight”, SBS ONE. Much is being made of the issue of commercialisation and exploitation of surrogates versus altruistic surrogacy. A significant aspect is the emotional cost to those involved. Surrogacy is a blessing for women having reproduction difficulties, but the ‘mother’ can feel excluded and may even feel some jealousy and resentment towards the surrogate, particularly if it is a family member. The surrogate may feel an emotional wrench giving up a baby with whom she has bonded during pregnancy and what is overlooked is the emotional impact on the infant who has begun to develop ‘attachment’ in the womb. Adoptees commonly feel the need to track down and reconnect with their birth mothers. Will this be a future issue for children of surrogate births? And of course, ‘attachment’ does begin in the womb. If it didn’t, then why do fathers talk to the mother’s abdomen and why would mothers send loving thoughts to their developing baby? On the “Insight” discussion, an altruistic surrogate stated that she deliberately tried to not bond with the baby during the pregnancy. This is an understandable attempt to protect herself from the emotional wrench of giving up the baby. But, what are the implications here if that becomes recommended standard practice for surrogates? What impact does this
have on the infant, being denied this emotional bonding? ‘Attachment’ has a lifelong impact on emotional security and wellbeing. So, is emotional deprivation in the womb going to have an adverse impact on the child’s capacity for ‘attachment’ and future emotional security? 'Attachment' is discussed on this website.